Tim and I were about to leave our apartment and walk to a nearby coffee shop to meet with a friend. As I fastened my jacket and debated wearing a scarf, he surfs on his phone on the other side of the room.
“What’s going on with Playboy?” he asks, innocently enough.
When the words “Playboy” exit your pastor-husband’s mouth, it’s enough to cause some minor heart palpitations, especially when you’re in the final editing stages of your book, 5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know About their Kids and Sex (May 17, 2016). In the book, I briefly report on the creation and escalation of the pornography industry, including Playboy making a notable debut.
The thoughts that run through my mind: Why is my husband looking at something having to do with Playboy? Wait, did something about Playboy change and now I’m going to have to update my book again? And of course, with the increasing amount of hardcore of pornography on the internet, I wonder if Playboy made some big announcement to take XXX to XXXXXXXXXXXXXX?
I cautiously responded, “What do you mean, ‘What’s going on with Playboy?‘”
“They’re taking away nude images?”
I blink. I rattle my head to make sure my first two cups of coffee have made it up to the blood in my brain.
“I’m sorry, they’re what?“
“Next March, they’re doing away with nude images in their magazines.”
We are late for our meeting, so we briskly walk in the autumn wind discussing why? Because sex sells, right? And Playboy is iconic. And even if they start covering up, their pictures are still sensual and provocative–some would argue they objectify the female form (myself included).
“It makes sense,” I said, with a year of researching the history of pornographic magazines and websites under my belt (sorry, mom and dad. I have a weird yet awesome job.) It’s a counter-cultural, interrupt the status-quo type move. They’ve always wanted to project the “girl-next-door” look from the beginning, but they fell into the trap of biology and human nature: the mind wants more…well less, so to speak. The brain desensitizes to “soft core” porn and craves greater amounts of skin and greater amounts of the forbidden.”
Tim, with his film-making background responds with a great analogy: “What are most horror movies rated?”
“PG-13”
“Exactly. They make it as close to an ‘R’ rating as they can get, but tone it back so that 13 year olds can watch it. It generates more revenue.”
Now, while Playboy claims its new style will be PG-13, the 18-year-old purchase restriction still applies (but let’s be honest; how many people actually waited until they were 18 to see Playboy? I was 11. Another girl friend of mine was 10. For kicks, I asked three gentlemen in the coffee shop how old they were when they saw their first Playboy. One, a 31-year old, said he was probably “in sixth grade” but didn’t quite remember. The other, a 48-year old, said he was in elementary school, “maybe fifth grade? Eleven?” A third, who is 37, found his under the bridge in their town when he was only nine.)
Even the man behind the idea, a top editor at Playboy, comments:
Don’t get me wrong,” Mr. Jones said of the decision to dispense with nudity, “12-year-old me is very disappointed in current me. But it’s the right thing to do.”
Cory Jones, chief content officer at Playboy. Credit Nicole Bengiveno/The New York Times
Responding to the News:
At first, I’ll admit, I was happy with the news. Do I like the idea of any woman, of any person, being objectified for sexual gratification (or any other purpose for that matter?) Absolutely not. But in a click-away-from-hard-core-porn society, I appreciate the disruption and their choice to move in a way that totally diverts from what every other porn industry company is doing–while the others continue pushing the “raunchier the better” envelope–Playboy takes a risk and tries something new in “an industry that’s running out of ideas,” as one porn producer said.
At the same time, there’s still the core issue of our sexuality as people created in the image of God. Sex is awesome. The way God formed a woman and a man is beautiful, inside and out, soul and body. We are reflections of Him, and to consume a person as a product is, at the minimum, so far away from His plan for us.
For a generation of American men, reading Playboy was a cultural rite, an illicit thrill consumed by flashlight. Now every teenage boy has an Internet-connected phone instead. Pornographic magazines, even those as storied as Playboy, have lost their shock value, their commercial value and their cultural relevance.
Pornography Fuels Sex Trafficking:
One final thought: Porn fuels sex trafficking. Not every porn star hangs out in Heff’s mansion wearing a bunny tail on her tush. Some people are legally hired to create pornography, but there’s a heck of a lot of them–mostly women and children–who aren’t. Consider my trip to Moldova and how I saw with my own eyes girls get bought and sold on a patio at a nice cafe. 30,000 women go missing in this small country every year. I doubt they’re signing up to be held captive and make pornography that profits someone else.
I’ll give you a sneak peek from my next book in regard to this issue:
Remember, the more a person uses porn, the greater the amount and explicitness required to achieve the same level of satisfaction. This means more women and children are becoming commodities in this industry—and being forced to do these things we deem now as “disgusting.” Studies prove that for some regular porn users, pornographic acts they found disgusting in the past now turn them on.[i] And as you can imagine, it’s harder for the so-called “legit” porn producers to hire people to do those extreme things. It’s much easier—and less expensive—for people to be kidnapped, devalued, dehumanized, and turned into nothing more than sex slaves.
One Final Thought:
While the decision Playboy announced to cut out nudity is one to applaud (maybe with a slow clap? I’m still very torn.), we still have a long way to go as we learn about what God’s purpose is for our sexuality.
Myths-be-Gone!
God does not want us to “cover up” our sexuality.
Sex is nothing to be ashamed of.
We do not need proverbial fig leaves to separate us from embracing our sexuality.
But, as technology and the economy of sex continues to change, we need to remain educated and unafraid to have conversations about sex, about trafficking, and about pornography with our friends and our families. Will Playboy removing overt nuditybring a greater acceptance to pornography in general? As the 31-year-old in the cafe said (we got into a lengthier discussion), “Why wouldn’t I pick up a new version of Playboy? It’s essentially a Victoria’s Secret catalog. Nobody’s going to think I’m a freak for looking at that. It seems tamer than Maxim in some ways.”
[i]Journal of Adolescent Health 27, “Influence of Unrestrained Access to Erotica on Adolescents’ and Young Adults’ Dispositions Toward Sexuality”, Zillmann, D., 2000, pp. 41–44.
To be notified about news for my book 5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know About Their Kids and Sex, click here.
This is reposted from April 2010 while I was in Moldova.
Thursday morning, our first meeting was with a young woman about my age who, for safety reasons, I’ll identify as L. We met her outside in the middle of the city, where she hopped in our van. I immediately liked her. She was intelligent and witty, and when we asked her where we should go for our meeting, she directed us toward a cafe in a nice part of town and said she had a surprise for us.
We took seats at a table under the patio as the sun was beginning to warm the new spring air. We ordered a round of espresso (tea for me) and began to make introductions. Tom went first. Then Brad. Then me. Then Simon, as he set up his camera so we could film L’s story and hear about what her organization does.
Our waitress, a young, pretty girl who surprisingly spoke enough English that I could actually communicate I wanted green tea instead of black, brought us our drinks. L. took a sip of her cappuccino and asked us if we were ready for our surprise.
After a day like we had Wednesday, we were ready for anything.
“The reason I brought you to this cafe is because there is a story here. When I first moved back to Moldova, I came here with a friend. It seems like a totally normal restaurant.”
I looked around. It had nice tables and chairs and the shops across the street were for designer clothes. I didn’t feel like I was in a developing country. I could have been on a street in Paris for all I knew.
“As I spent time here, I learned that this cafe is the main hub for girls that are trafficked out of Moldova.”
Our team sat back stunned. Even S., who is our driver and has worked in the social sector of Moldova for years, was shocked.
L. continued to tell us a similar story to what we have heard regarding young girls and the need for jobs. A majority of Moldovans immigrates out of the country for work because the unemployment rate here is so high. Girls out of the ninth grade (the required level of completion) when coming from abusive, alcoholic, or unattended homes, as well as orphans, will look for jobs. Foreigners actually own this cafe (amongst others) and will hire the girls as waitresses or cooks or to clean. They learn just enough of several languages over the course of a few months to a year and are promised promotions or transfers in restaurants in other European countries.
And they get trafficked.
I immediately wanted to take our waitress and throw her into our van, knowing what almost certain fate awaited her.
It’s not like this industry is completely a secret, either. Men, especially foreign men, visit these cafes for a reason. If L. and I wouldn’t have been there with the men from our team, more than likely they would have been offered a girl.
I lifted the mug of tea to my lips and wondered how many girls had filled that mug before. How many had served tea in it. How many had bussed it off the table and washed it.
I wondered where they were now.
L. proceeded to go through a newspaper and read to us ads that are ads that are intended to lure girls in. Ads for renting rooms or apartments often get young Moldovan girls and foreign university students kidnapped when they go to see if the apartment is what they’re looking for. Jobs for nannies who can travel. Jobs for waitresses.
She even told us her own story – how, when she moved to Chisinau, she was looking for an apartment. Out of the hundreds of listings on the pages, only a handful or so were legit. She almost went to look at one but had a strange feeling about it after speaking with the owner, so she had a male friend call to check on it.
It was one used for trafficking.
She could have been a victim herself.
As we sat around finishing our drinks, we took note of an ever-increasing stream of foreign men beginning to sit at surrounding tables. They came from inside the cafe and sat and stared at us.
We acted like we didn’t notice, boldly keeping our very large camera out, and kept filming L. and her story.
Before we left, I saw two young, very pretty girls walking outside the cafe. They were almost too young to be that pretty. One was maybe fourteen – the other one sixteen or seventeen. I was surprised when they walked into the cafe, and later took a seat behind us in the corner of the patio.
They didn’t receive a menu, but a husky middle aged man with salt-and-pepper hair sat down with them. He discreetly handed the older girl a large sum of money. She looked up to him laughing with flirtatious but noticeably empty eyes.
We paid our check and left, as the presence of the traffickers got to be a little too intense. L. and I stood on the sidewalk while Brad went in for a moment and we witnessed another young, pretty woman approaching the cafe. The husky man got up suddenly and began yelling at her. She managed to keep her distance on the other side of the patio railing but they were screaming loudly at each other in Romanian. I asked L. what they were fighting about.
“Something didn’t happen right…something didn’t happen right at all,” is what she said. She nodded over my shoulder.“Those men behind you. They’re not Moldovan. They’re here for something.” I slowly turned around and pretended to look at the cafe door. Two very well dressed middle-eastern men were behind me and seemed to be negotiating with one of the cafe traffickers.
It was surreal. We were standing in the middle of trafficking deals going down all around us and at the same time, families sat at the patio eating brunch. Maybe some of them knew, maybe not.
But the darkness that was now exposed to us was almost blinding.
Here we were.
In broad daylight.
In a nice part of the city.
…buying coffee at the same time girls and sex were being sold.
We walked to our van talking about how we couldn’t believe what just happened. The five of us said goodbye to L. and she went to wherever it was she was going. What an incredibly brave woman to know exactly what would happen where we would be and to show us exactly what we needed to see.
We waited a few moments and drove around the block, passing the cafe again. The eight or ten men that had been keeping an eye on us were all gone in the five minutes it took us to circle back. The patio, except for a few maternal-esque women and the family, was empty.
I always assumed that sex trafficking went on in the brothels and the strip clubs. In Moldova, there are none. When we’d ask around where this trafficking took place, it seemed like nobody knew.
But when we did find it, it would be like watching a girl get sold outside at a Panera in your nicest suburb.
As I continued thinking throughout the day, I realized that it doesn’t matter what my perception is on how or where or what sex trafficking looks like. I can pretend to be shocked (and honestly still am) that it happened in such an open location.
But the bottom line is this:
We all know it happens.
It happens.
It.
Happens.
It may have been dangerous for us to be there. It probably would be if we went back. But this is a subject we must continue to stare in the face and say – dangerous or not – this can not happen.
This cannot happen on our watch.
Because if we know about it, if it’s happening on our watch, we’re responsible to do something about it.
Today, we’ll meet a girl who was trafficked from this exact cafe two years ago and is now in the care of L. and her organization.
I can’t help but wonder if, when she worked in this cafe, she served somebody tea from the same cup I drank from yesterday.
There has been a lot of press lately surrounding the illegal activities on Craiglist. This morning, the Today Show even had a feature clearly showing the prostitution that is readily available in their “adult” section.
(*Note: It’s PG-13 with some mildly graphic imagery)
Many people in the faith community have responded by suggesting we boycott Craigstlist.
If we boycott Craigslist, we’re just making noise. Noise doesn’t do much. Noise is passive. Unless you are actually using their adult service section, they aren’t making any money on you. I go on Craigslist to sell my car or buy an ottoman. It’s a third-party trading site for most of us.
It’s the Christian Status Quo to boycott.“They don’t say Christmas at Target! Let’s show them who’s boss!” We throw our faith around like a proud badge and try to prove our points. I’ve never seen this as a humble, loving response.
People who don’t subscribe to the Christian faith see this as us attempting to push our beliefs on people. Should we share our beliefs with people? Sure. Share them. Nothing wrong with that. How do we do that? Read John 13:35.
Unless something is done to help solve the problem (illegal activity), the people who are breaking the law will find another place to do it. Shutting down the adult service section of Craigslist will just make people use other sites.
Going off the basis of “how will people know we’re Christians” (as referenced in our own Bibles) it’s by love. I don’t think the action of boycotting shows love.
So what should we do?
We should first thank Craigslist for donating some of their money to anti-trafficking organizations. Thank you.
We should get involved in our local government and make sure they know the issues of illegal activity occurs on Craigslist. Then we should ask them to take appropriate government action (which, by the way, Craigslist is protected from liability – however, the law doesn’t cover the people breaking it).
Find a way to support the women who feel like they need to prostitute themselves. How can we care for them?
Ask “Is there a way faith-based organizations can partner with Craigslist to help solve this problem?” If someone came up with a brilliant solution, I bet Craigslist would be more than willing to listen.
Over and over again, I find that Christians (myself included) can be reactive and not proactive. Maybe this is an opportunity for us to actually come alongside of Craigslist and see how we can help them instead of just yelling at them.
Idealistic? Naive? Maybe.
But I have to believe it’s better than the status quo.
Without a doubt, last week was a bit emotional for me — and for some of you who read about our experience seeing the sex trafficking industry face-to-face while I was in Moldova.
“The Sex Cafe” was (by over five times!) the most read post on my blog in its entire existence and from what we can tell, has reached well over 50,000 people. I’ve never had a post shared over 1000 times before, and that’s what we can just count. Thank you so much for using your voice to share this story.
If you read through the comments, one of the biggest questions that was asked was “How can we help?”
One way is through donating financially to our Stop the Secret Moldova fund. Currently, we’ve raised $1000 for these projects and still have quite a ways to go — $24,000 left — so by donating to the Stop the Secret Moldova fund, know you are donating to prevention and restoration organizations in Moldova that desperately need it.
We personally spent time with these organizations, meeting both the women and girls who have been rescued as well as the staff and volunteers who support them and I can not express how much confidence I have in the organizations we’ve partnered with.
Any amount, $1, $5, $50…will help provide much needed care for these girls.
You can donate by clicking here, and please put “Moldova” in the notes section.
Other than donating and spreading the word, I was wondering…
Sex trafficking happens both here in the States and abroad (the US is actually one of the largest importers of trafficked women).
When I was reading about all thing things you should and shouldn’t do in Russia, I took note. My dad went to Russia a few years ago and remember him getting in a little bit of trouble.
I never expected I’d be leaving Russia earlier than I was supposed to.
We left from our week in Moldova and arrived in Moscow last Saturday. It was more of a “down” day to decompress from what we had experienced in Moldova. We did a little sight-seeing, visited a huge mall (where I politely ate my weight in Baskin Robbins – American food, yay!) and went to the theatre. Aside from being a little chilly, I instantly fell in love with Moscow.
Throughout our entire trip, I had been fighting what I thought was a cold. I actually had it on Monday, before we left, but figured with some Zicam and Advil it would be gone in a few days. Unfortunately, each day my symptoms got worse…my body ached more, my sinuses pounded more, and the big nuisance for me – my throat became more swollen and more, well, what burning in the fiery pits of Hades feels like, I’d imagine.
I knew I needed to rest, but I also knew I needed to experience everything. One afternoon earlier in the week, I returned to our dorm early to rest up and I did feel better the next day, but my symptoms continued worsening. After waking up in Moscow, there was a decision to be made.
That night, I kept waking up cold and sweaty. It didn’t matter how many of the 1980’s-style blankets I wrapped up in, I was too hot and too cold at the same time. My t-shirt was drenched in sweat. After the sun came up, I grabbed a mirror and went to the window where the sun was rising and took a good look in the back of my burning throat.
I’m no doctor, but what was back there was not from this world.
My tonsils were swollen and they, along with the rest of my throat, were red, white, and just nasty all over.
I took my temperature. Yep, definitely had a little fever going on.
One of my friends is a doctor, so I texted her, hoping she’d be awake. I gave her my symptoms and told her I had some antibiotics on hand for “just in case you get traveler’s diarrhea” but they were a versatile type that could also help with strep throat – if that is what I had.
She texted me back some suggestions and directions for taking the medicine, but noted if I wasn’t better in a day or so, to call her.
Not just text her — call her.
I began thinking…
If we would have planned to be in Moscow for the rest of the week, I would have decided to stay. There are a few Western-style clinics and hospitals available that would have sufficed. However, our plans had us traveling six to eight hours outside the city in more rural Russia. If whatever I had wasn’t getting better, the trip home would have been a lot longer and a lot more difficult than, well…if I came home.
I started to cry.
Finally, after two months of being emotionally stunted, I started to cry.
I pulled up Skype on my computer and a friend was on. I told him what our friend said and what my throat looked like and where we’d be going for the rest of the week. Without hesitation, he told me I needed to come home.
I didn’t want to hear those words, but I knew it was the best decision.
Fortunately, I was able to get on a flight from Moscow to DC, and then DC to Nashville, so I was home 17 hours after waking up. I went to the doctor yesterday and found out I have some kind of virus – a type of mono – although they aren’t sure what specific type yet as they are having to test my blood twice for some reason…but what I thought was an innocent cold turned out not to be so innocent.
So here I sit in my living room…spring birds chirping, the trees in our backyard budding hourly it seems…eating popsicles and sleeping most of the time. Whenever I wake up from one of my naps I check my phone – I still have it set on Moscow time – and wonder what’s happening on the other side of the world.
Last year, I got sick right before a speaking engagement so I had to cancel and I really wrestled God with “WHY?” Did I fail him in some way being a pansy and not pushing through my pain?
This time, I’m not so upset with myself or wondering if I should have stayed or if I should have come home – I know I made the right decision…but I do feel like I was ripped out of Russia, and part of me is still there.
And that hurts.
Even now, tears are spilling out and down my cheeks because I miss being there. I miss the women I didn’t get a chance to meet, the culture and the food I didn’t get to embrace, the stories of tragedy and redemption that I didn’t get a chance to tell.
But I know…I know that things happen. People get sick. It’s part of life.
I also know that by some “random” mistake at the consulate’s office, I was given a double entry visa instead of a single entry. We talked about how weird that was when we found out, but now that I’m home, I guess it just means there’s a time for me already set aside to return.
The organization that I came with to Moldova & Russia is called Children’s Hope Chest (CHC). After seeing all what we saw, Tom, the president, knew for certain that immediate action is required. So, after exploring and meeting with several NGOs, CHC has decided on helping fund two partners we found that are doing faith-based, holistic, sustainable, and aggressive work directly helping victims who have been rescued out of sex trafficking.
HopeChest is launching ministry in Moldova with a $25,000 Stop the Secret fund to support two “safe homes” for survivors of sex trafficking. These homes are not clinics.
Like HopeChest’s ministry in Russia and Africa, these partnering organizations provide for the holistic and long-term needs of girls terrorized by systematic sexual abuse and slavery.
The two organizations, Home of Hope and Beginning of Lifeare in it for the long haul and we are standing behind them to support them. Please click the links and learn about these organizations.
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HopeChest is raising funds to support two “safe homes” and provide the critical aftercare (physical & mental health) services needed to support these courageous young women.
Your gift will provide four young women with a safe place to live and round-the-clock care in their homes.
Click here to get a full picture of Stop the Secret. Or just click here to donate to the Stop the Secret launch fund, and support ministry in Moldova that brings restoration and healing to young woman who have survived the terrors of sex trafficking.
I just came back from being out all day and saw how many times “The Sex Cafe” story was shared through Facebook and Twitter and was just so grateful I almost cried.
Anyway, so many of you are asking “how can we help?”
Because this is so new to Children’s Hope Chest, the organization I’m traveling with, and there aren’t many people doing many things in Moldova, we have been exploring potential partnerships and are working on a way that will provide you opportunities where you can help specific programs and projects.
We hope to have this up in the next few days or by early next week.
Until then, this is the best way you can help:
Continue doing what you’re doing.
Share these stories.
Here are a few ideas:
Email them to your pastor, your small group, your church staff and leaders
Share them with your local newspaper, other news outlets like local news stations and even national/international news stations like CNN.
Ask your favorite bloggers to write about them, link to them, or Tweet them.
A few of you have tweeted links to celebrities. That’s such a creative idea. I know the chances are slim but hey, you just never know where the story may hit home for someone with an even larger platform for sharing and motivating people.
Share the stories with your family, friends, and co-workers.
Basically, spread these stories as far as they will go. This is a darkness so dark it needs as much light on it as possible.
Again, thank you for all your help telling these stories.
We will have a very strategic action plan for those wanting to get involved posted Sunday night or Monday morning US time. We are heading to Moscow early tomorrow morning and are ironing out details of intentional partnerships with long-term help and care programs.
So…more to come soon. We want to make sure we’re approaching this need in the most dignified and respectful as well as sustainable way possible.
LOVE YOU GUYS. And I mean that. Thank you for sharing all this.
Breaking News: American Orphans Get Kicked Out of Public Schools, Nowhere to Go: Predators Wait
At the end of their freshman year of high school, American orphans are left fending for themselves. No longer integrated into the public school system, the federal government provides each orphan with $120 and a wish of “Good luck!” as they drop them in their respective inner cities.
These children stop to purchase a cell phone or some clothes, and then go one of two ways: Some move back to their neighborhoods, although they lack any family or connections, and others attempt to find jobs.
However, predators are numerous and falsely advertise vague jobs in the newspaper, offering a doorway into trafficking under the guise of legit employment opportunities. Others wait in the neighborhoods for those who do return, pretending to be employers looking for workers.
Most of these orphans end up kidnapped and working in Mexico and Canada, making pennies a day for sexual services.
That would be shocking, wouldn’t it? We’d be enraged. Rally.
Thankfully, that is not the scenario in the states. However…
—
While we’re here in Moldova, we’re trying to learn everything we can. Yesterday, we started at the beginning — how do so many children (20-25% of Moldova’s population, most orphaned and most female between 16-24) end up being sex trafficked? Where does this cycle begin?
A lot of the problem begins through the orphanage system.
Take, for instance, the eleven year old girl we met yesterday at an orphanage. At fifteen, she’ll be released out into the world on her own, with no family or connection to anybody out in the city. The government will provide her with a small sum of money, not even enough to rent a room for a month.
This girl is completely vulnerable…and the predators know it.
They’ll advertise “real” jobs in papers, promising good work in other bordering countries. Naive and unsuspecting, these girls will go for an interview, and typically get drugged, kidnapped, and moved into another country. Their papers will be stripped away and changed and they’ll gain a new identity.
Sex slave.
Not knowing how to escape, being violated and told they’re worthless, and that nobody cares, they see no hope — no reason to escape. Some commit suicide.
The reality is nobody really will miss them. Moldova is a small country, and 30,000 women and children disappear every year without a trace. Without identities.
Nobody knows they’re gone, and nobody misses them.
—
As we sat in a rather large orphanage yesterday, I couldn’t help but stare at each girl. They varied in age from maybe five or six to teenagers, and I knew the teenagers would be soon sent out on their own to fend for themselves. Some may find a transitional home which will help educate them, put them through tenth-twelfth grade (or beyond) and keep them safe. But there would be some who would simply disappear.
And nobody would know.
A year from now, I wonder if I’ll even remember their faces – glowing brightly with youth and what I could only imagine is hope.
Or will I also forget as they disappear into a system of the worst kind of crime and suffering?
—
Today, we are meeting with some organizations that are on the solution side of this issue. I hope tomorrow’s update will have a better ending than the stories I heard today.
(**Note: Just in case it wasnt clear the story about American orphans is not true. It is a parallel to what is happening here in EU and Russia for context.)
