Category: Musings/Poetry

part one [disconnect]

we have almost been here a year.

i have met so many wonderful people.
who have shared in

1) movies
2) hundreds of trips to cafes
3) gallbladder removals
4) birthday/superbowl/new years/christmas/art showing/parties
4) and now, rooibos

(don’t worry mom, it’s not a drug)

yet in this odd state of sleepiness i am in,
combined with a weekend of prayer,
cold weather,
readings from a prophet

in the deepest parts
although i am connected in so many ways
there is the disconnect

i see others
and their connections
and feel left out
(not in the third wheel way)(don’t pity me)

part two [demolition]

nobody to blame
but this stupid wall
that i can’t seem to tear down…

these bricks of fear
aren’t held together
by a justifiable mortar…

but perfectionism,
[am i pretty enough?]
[skinny enough?]
[funny enough?]
[normal enough?]

the things that don’t matter
and yet…
they are the hardest…
to demolish.

me, to two ladies i work with, leaving the building:

boy, don’t you two look spiffy in your black!

one of two ladies:

yeah, we’re going to a funeral.

why do eyes betray and why does the heart escape…destiny is obvious but this problem i cant shake…youre more than everything i want…i let you slip right through my hands…i beg nothings to become of me and by your side ill always land…your arms still hold me close to you…your eyes look into mine…you try to see the piece of me…the one i lost…the one i hide.

i’ve made myself sick to my stomach again. a more mentally-induced nausea than anything organic (although, i’m sure the huge antibiotics i’ve been on for a week don’t help much). the only virus in me is the one i choose to think of, dwell on, and allow to trample across the garden of my daydreaminess.

borderline obsessive since my prepubescent days, occasionally one of the million thoughts which fly through my mind on any given day will stick like an unsuspecting bug in the web of a hungry spider. there it remains until it is set free by a samaritan-minded passerby (with a propensity for insect life) or until it’s eaten alive by its eight-legged captor.

throughout history, mankind has attempted to train the mind, capture thoughts, to which success and progress follow. maybe i’m a bit unconventional, but in some way i enjoy twisting and turning in the threads until the last possible moment of escape. not in a gluttonous way, but to appreciate the struggle. to feel suffocated that much longer.

I can’t save the world –

(and that’s okay.)

This could be the very minute
I’m aware I’m alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I’d never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

You’re the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness I saw it coming
Or at least I’ll claim I did
But in truth I’m lost for words…

(excerpted from Chocolate by Snow Patrol)

silenced by this skin that covers
screaming out into this shell
lost track of feeling empty
overtaking i know well
back again
reappeared
laying dormant
all this time
thought you vanished
hibernation
is your sole disguise

~aj

i need you to come
and rescue
what’s left of me
i need you to come
and empty
all that you see
i need you to come
and break
what i believe
is making me not be
anything

-aj

silhouettes of black pass by and
flowers fragrant overwhelm
the heavy air of sadness for
you’re gone and in this madness
i close my eyes, remember
when we met upon that december
day and now you’re gone
(not far away)
for on another day we’ll see
each other and embrace just
like there was no other time that
had come between now and the minute
when we said our last goodbye

and now i start to cry

standing for one last time
i gaze upon your face and say farewell
until we meet again, my friend
close your eyes so peacefully rest
your hands folded upon your chest
as silhouettes of black pass by and
flowers fragrant overwhelm

~to matthew (2000). ~to sharon (2004).
i still miss you. i still love you. so much.

-aj