Anne Marie Miller

Category: Mental Health

  • Practicing Trauma Recovery and Replanting My Feet

    In 2017, I never thought I’d be back in the writing world. I “retired” and went into nursing school and closed down this blog and my public social media. I began that goodbye saying, “This is my final post.” It wasn’t, and so I won’t say that this is my final post. I only have two feet to put in my mouth and I’ve used both of them up.

    The Revival

    In 2018, I decided to report my childhood sexual abuse. Mark Aderholt, the man who sexually abused me in 1996, was arrested and indicted on four felonies: Indecency with a Child: Sexual Contact and Sexual Assault of a Child under 17 years old. While the Tarrant County DA accepted a plea bargain presented by the defense (Aderholt pleaded guilty to a fifth charge: Assault Causing Bodily Injury), I decided that this was the end of that trauma in my life.

    Recovery is a lifelong journey, but I’ve taken my power back. This is over because I spoke the truth and I forgave him. This ending has nothing to do with his cowardly lack of admission but instead my choice to leave it behind. I had the opportunity to face him at his sentencing and read him a victim impact statement which you can read here.

    This event was in the middle of a reckoning in the evangelical church (in my case, the Southern Baptist Convention and it’s foreign missions organization, the International Mission Board) and the #churchtoo movement. It’s been encouraging to see the baby steps they are taking to prevent and heal sexual abuse that’s happened in the church. It’s frustrating that (yet I am grateful for) the mainstream media bringing attention to it after years of voices within the church trying, but it is what it is, nonetheless. A personally meaningful and memorable piece was when Rachel Martin from NPR’s Morning Edition took the time to listen to my story. The last-minute of the interview is a perfect example of holding space for someone in their grief.

    In the journey over the last year and a half, I saw the need for a resource for those who support survivors. I began writing it with the intent to self-publish it, but the publisher of my first book decided to pick this one up. My latest book, Healing Together, A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors, released on October 15, 2019, through Zondervan. You can get a copy here.

    As I did in 2017, I don’t expect to pick up the pen professionally again at this point. I began nursing school in 2017 and after a year hiatus due to the criminal investigation, I intend to finish my BSN at the end of 2023 and continue on to graduate school to work in psychiatric nursing. My current job at a DFW hospital system, which I love, the joy of serving my family and my patients and my focus on my education is more than enough to prevent my hands from being idle.

    Practices in Healing

    Some have asked what therapies and practices I’ve found to be most effective in my healing. I say the word practice because that’s exactly how it works. We practice. Sometimes we master it and sometimes we fail. The point is, we practice. Have grace and be gentle with yourself.

    The below practices and resources are the ones that I’ve personally found to be exceptionally helpful at healing trauma and opening up space for me to find new joy, make daily choices to continue to grow, stay healthy, and not allow the trauma of the past to linger within my body now that the threat is gone. It’s been about nine months of intentionally choosing to move within this flow, and while there are challenging days and events, I’ve found that far more often than not, I feel balanced, calm, and hopeful. Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor or psychologist, so please check with your own health care providers to see what healthy options are available to you in your unique situation.

    Physical Health

    • Eating a completely vegetarian (no meat or fish) diet, consuming fewer animal products (usually humanely curated cheese, butter, and eggs), fewer processed foods (keep in mind, we have a three-year-old so boxed mac and cheese is a staple).
    • Drinking a lot of water. A LOT. No soda or alcohol, and coffee as needed but only until noon.
    • Going to bed ideally by 9 pm (10 pm at the latest) and waking up by 5:30 am (6:30 am at the latest) even on weekends. In either case, listening to my body and giving it grace for the exceptions is just as important.
    • Exercising in some capacity once or twice a day with slow-paced exercise. For me, it’s been yoga, mostly power yoga (yoga combined with HITT and calisthenics) for 30 minutes a day (and if I can’t do that, at least 10 in the morning or before bed). I also try walking the dogs every night after Charlotte goes to bed but when it’s cold or windy, Tim graciously walks them. Also, stretching every morning and before bed.
    • Practicing deep breathing in the morning, at lunch, before bed, and as needed.
    • Being more intentional about my posture. This tiny act helps breathing, the energy I put out into the space around me, and my confidence. Who knew?

    Mental and Emotional Health

    Spiritual and Relational Health

    Out of all the health compartments, this is the one I struggle with the most. I’m introverted so I refuel alone, and after working a full day with 20-30 patients and coworkers, even on the best of days (most of them!) I am mentally fulfilled and also exhausted. Even with my introvertedness, I prefer face-to-face contact, and I’m horrible at responding to email and texts. I communicate with my best friends (who don’t live in DFW) on Snapchat just so we can use video instead of texting.

    With that disclosure, here are some goals I’ve set for myself and that I’m intentionally taking baby steps to accomplish. Remember: practice.

    • I want to join interest groups. There are a few health collectives/co-ops and yoga and hiking groups I’m trying to get the courage to show up to and practice in a group. I’ve gone to a few meetings of a DFW group that works to communicate the research behind psychedelics to people who’ve never looked at these medications in a therapeutic way. As a future psychiatric nurse practitioner hoping to help survivors of trauma, this area (if you can’t tell) is incredibly interesting to me. The group also exists to educate those who choose to use psychedelics about their risks and best practices so that if someone chooses to use these substances, they do so in an informed way. To be clear: the group does not encourage or promote the use of these medications, it is not a place to buy or sell them and anyone who joins with the intent or expression to do so is not allowed to participate. It’s an incredibly diverse group of professionals of all ages, students, city leaders, law enforcement, and religious leaders.
    • I’ve started to explore the desire (it’s a very, very, very small desire) to start attending church again. The place where Charlotte goes to preschool is a part of a UMC church close to where we live, and we went to a couple of services there when she had events during the Sunday services. Maybe. Maybe.
    • I’m preparing (it’s on my bedside table) to read some classic Christian literature that I used to find encouraging in the past. Maybe I’ll even pick up a Bible again. Part of this effort, as well as the desire to explore going to church, is to cautiously open up the doors for Charlotte to begin to understand the importance of faith in her life. I’m not sure what this looks like yet, but for now, being open to the idea is a scary step.

    Being mindful and aware of every day and every choice has reshaped my heart’s desire into unplugging from online spaces as my norm. And like in 2017, I plan on being less engaged online and more engaged in the tangible interactions in front of me (not that there is anything wrong or bad about choosing to be engaged online; that’s an entirely valid place to exist and helps many, many people). I’ll still pop in from time to time, and I’m encouraged by rekindling old friendships and forming new friendships over the last couple of years.

    I think that’s it for now. I’ve been writing this over a series of my “uninterrupted 30-minute lunch breaks” and I need to go back to work. I’ll probably be back some time. Probably. Maybe. We’ll see.

    Regardless, I’m grateful. Thank you.

    Postscript: More About Healing Together

    Here’s the back copy of Healing Together, so you can see if it’s a helpful resource for you. I’m pretty proud of it, to be honest. The work I’ve done in nursing school researching and practicing trauma-informed methodologies proved to be extremely useful in this book. It’s not a picture-perfect “I went through trauma. I healed. Jesus saved me. He’ll save you too” kind of book. My beliefs are changing within where they are rooted and “healing” is a big word with a lot of nuanced meaning. It’s my goal that the book informs you about what trauma does to our bodies and that it offers some gentle suggestions for walking alongside someone who’s been abused.

    Sex is such an intimate topic historically wrapped in shame and when someone shares they were sexually abused, we may not know how to respond.

    With recent #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements, we are learning just how many men, women, boys, and girls have suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted person, often family members or leaders in the church. Sexual abuse is rampant in modern society and now–sometimes many years later–sexual abuse survivors are sharing their stories.

    Anne Marie Miller is a survivor of childhood clergy sexual abuse and has shared her journey toward healing with audiences all over the world. After speaking with thousands of survivors and their loved ones, she saw the need for a fundamental and practical guide for helping supporters of sexual abuse survivors understand the basics of abuse, trauma, healing, and hope. Drawing from her own experience as a survivor and evidence-based research, Anne addresses these questions and more in Healing Together:

    What is sexual abuse?

    How can I help survivors?

    Who are predators and how do they groom victims?

    How does trauma affect survivors?

    What happens when someone doesn’t remember the details of their abuse?

    How does abuse wound the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of people who have been abused?

    When and how should authorities be contacted?

    How do you talk to your children about sexual abuse?

    What are the warning signs of abuse?

    Is healing possible?

    Whether you are a spouse, a family member, a friend, or a church leader looking for easy-to-navigate resources to understand and support sexual abuse survivors, you’ll find answers and hope in these pages.

    You can get a copy of Healing Together: A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors right here or if you’re looking for a bulk discount for 5+ books @ $5.00 a book, you can click right over here and use the discount code “HEALING” to get that price.

  • Practical Steps You Can Take to Heal from Trauma and PTSD

    Practical Steps You Can Take to Heal from Trauma and PTSD

    As we get closer to the release of Healing Together: A Guide for Helping Sexual Abuse Survivors, I thought I’d share some practical steps I’ve found to be helpful as I’ve spent the last year and a half healing through the revival of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) that bulldozed me after reporting my childhood clergy sexual abuse (you can read my story here, here, here, and here, and my victim impact statement I read to Mark Aderholt, the man who abused me, at his sentencing just a couple of months ago.

    Trauma affects us in every way: physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Over the next few days, I’ll be posting some practical steps survivors can take to help begin healing in every area of life.

    Why Healing Is Overwhelming

    I’ve broken these down into those five areas, and I’m intentionally labeling them each as individual “selves,” i.e, physical self, emotional self, etcetera. Yes, trauma damages a person holistically, in every system, but so frequently survivors, as a subconscious survival mechanism, disassociate and compartmentalize these various parts of who we are. Part of recovery is integrating them back together.

    If we’re not in touch with our whole “self” yet, trying to heal a little in every area all at once can get messy and confusing and we can feel defeated. Have you ever woke up on a particularly motivated day and thought, “Alright. This is it. I’m going to do it. I’m going to do it all and do it now. I’m tired of being tired all the time.”

    Maybe you started eating healthy, made that counseling appointment, signed up for that book club and to run that 5k. You told your boss you can work more hours, you bought a planner, made a vision board, and reorganized your pantry.

    We try to do all these things at once so we can feel like our pre-trauma selves. But, let’s say your mental health isn’t doing so great so as you take on all these engaging tasks, your mind gets exhausted and overwhelmed. It’s a quick way to burn out (and when I burn out, it’s easy to ruminate on what a failure I perceive myself to be).

    I think the key is going slow, evaluating what areas we’re most affected in, affirming that it’s okay to be exactly where you are, and using our strengths as we take one. step. at. a. time. This will help us strengthen our weaker selves so we have the margin to continue healing and functioning in everyday life.

    In Healing Together, I write:

    The body of a survivor suffers great harm. It was the body that was violated first. In any case, another person took what God created for his good and his glory and tarnished it with evil. God does not hold the survivor responsible for what happened to their body, and he sees him or her as pure. He grieves over the pain that was caused.

    To survive the abuse physically and emotionally, survivors
    often disassociate or disconnect from sensations in their bodies.
    For survivors, being mindful and present in our bodies after
    abuse has occurred is a difficult task and can cause anxiety.

    Reconnecting with our bodies requires a lot of hard work, and
    usually professional help.

    Anne Marie Miller, Healing Together: A Guide for Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors

    Three things I have found tremendously helpful as I’ve tried to learn how to care for my physical self are:

    • Drink water. All the time. Pee twenty times a day. This is so important for your blood pH and electrolyte balance. I don’t like water. Find a way that you can tolerate if you’re like me. Drink, drink, drink. If I fill up my to-go coffee thermos before bed and keep it on my bathroom counter, it reminds me to guzzle down a couple of cups of water first thing in the morning, and then I use the thermos for my coffee before heading out the door.
    • Feed my gut nutritious food, and not feel like a failure when I eat the 682 calorie chocolate chip cookie at Panera.

      (I’m not going to lie to you, so let’s get the elephant out first. I LOVE COOKIES. I love them more than most things in my life. They are my biggest dopamine providers. Panera has an almost 700 calorie cookie that is meant to be shared. I have eaten two of them in one sitting. Obviously, I know this should not be the norm and thankfully, I intentionally do not go to Panera often because I know that I will regret my choices.)

      I try and live by the 80/20 rule. 80% of my food is whole food (as close to the original way it was made), is plant-based (I am 100% vegetarian meaning no fish, white meat, red meat, any meat), and is colorful. Eat every color of the rainbow in your food every day. Lately, I’ve been trying to find organic items that I can reasonably afford, and avoiding any built-in seasonings (extra preservatives and sodium) or extra ingredients (especially things with the word “isolate” in them). I find when I eat this way, I feel amazing and actually crave more nutritious food.

      Notice that I didn’t say “good” food or “bad” food here. Food does not have an intrinsic moral value. The key is eating nutritious food. It requires more time, more effort, more planning, more cooking, and I understand that all those things are hard to even want to do when everything else in our body is telling us to celebrate when we get out of bed and shower some days (which is also totally okay and you have permission to do).

      Here, I’ve found there is a paradoxical effect. The more time I take with grocery shopping, with reading the ingredients, with washing and prepping healthy things on Sunday evening (FWIW: that’s my worship service; you cannot immerse yourself in the colors and smells of God’s creation without being enamored. I am more grateful in my spirit when cutting up fresh cilantro than trying to “pray” the way I was taught growing up). I find I have more time during the week to eat, enjoy, have healthy options (less regret), and that gives me space to walk in my week knowing my family and I will be fed, and my physical self that needs healing is taking in food that is meant to flood my blood with vitamins and nutrients which heal damaged cells, keep my gut healthy and my immunity strong (usually not the case when we’re our system is producing extra of the stress hormone cortisol). I have more energy. I just feel better.

    Some of the foods and beverages I’ve fallen in love with in this season are:

    • multicolored carrots
    • multicolored cauliflower
    • radishes
    • all the berries, apples, peaches, bananas (never go anywhere without a banana), cucumbers, sweet peppers, grapes (cotton candy grapes anybody?)
    • strawberry Caprese salads (baby kale, strawberries, spinach, mozzarella cheese freshly torn, basil, tomatoes, loaded with flax and chia seeds and nuts with a little balsamic glaze on the side).
    • oatmeal with fresh or baked fruit and loads of cinnamon
    • columbian coffee with oat milk creamer
    • using veggie or lentil pasta (green lentil is the best) and mashed up chickpeas for the “meat” vibe in spaghetti sauce
    • mixed, whole grain rice stir-fried with whatever veggies I have chopped up, and baked tofu (it’s not gross, I promise)
    • heaps of fresh fruit and vegetables cut up and ready to eat in the fridge and on the counter
    • steamable plain veggies: super cheap, super easy, super good for you
    • one of my easiest go-to meals is microwaved brown rice topped with microwaved broccoli with whatever beans and sometimes microwaved sweet potato chunks. 10 minutes or so, $4-$5, and gives us at least 3-5 servings.
    • 92% dark chocolate in the freezer
    • mashed avocado with hard-boiled egg (I recommend these if you occasionally eat egg since they’re more humane than most) on whole-grain toast (bonus if you can find one with seeds. My favorite is a Texas brand
    • Kombucha and other teas
    • Some of my 20% foods are Kashi’s Go Love chocolate granola, Morning Star Popcorn “chicken,” various meat-free pizzas (Amy’s cheese or one with a cauliflower crust), pad Thai with vegan Thai sauce, and quesadillas (made with whole wheat tortillas, vegetarian black refried beans, a teeny tiny sprinkle of cheese, microwaved and then grilled in a pan, topped with corn, sliced sweet peppers, guac, and plain almond milk yogurt in lieu of sour cream).
    • One other physical practice I’ve been slowly integrating is moving more. I don’t want to call it “exercise” because “exercise” conjures up pictures of gyms and people running outside and sweating and I am not that girl. I have tried to be that girl. I am not that girl.

      Introverted me who is extremely uncomfortable exercising in front of people (a trait common amongst sexual abuse survivors) found that intentionally waking up early before my family (all the experts are right: the more you do it, the more you want to), doing yoga all by myself and watching the sun rise is immensely therapeutic. Yes, that means sometimes I’m awake at 5:15 am but it has been worth it. Amazon Prime, as well as YouTube, have free yoga programs from beginner all the way to expert and some integrate HIIT training and others are gentle and modified for people with injuries. You can always do yoga later, or some days not at all. At night, after our daughter is in bed, I take the dogs out for 20-30 minutes walking around in the quiet evening (pepper spray in hand because of hypervigilance).

      I try to do both of these things at least five times a week. I find I want to do them more. It’s the weirdest thing. Also, some days my body or mind says I need to get more rest, maybe not wake up early at all, forego the official “work out” and I’m learning to respect what I need for each day without judgment.

      I’ve had to remind myself none of this is meant for weight loss. It’s not a way to drop a dress size before your cousin’s wedding or the holidays. If I look at it as taking very small steps to take care of me, the pressure is off. Go at your own pace. Do what’s reasonable for you. Eat 50/50. Eat a vegetable. Walk once a week. Run a marathon. Do whatever is right for you at this moment and don’t take on someone else’s journey as your own.

    Unexpected Gifts

    What’s surprised me with doing this over the last few months is how much I have slowed down and take time to find beauty around me. I have been awed by little flowers, immersed in the flavor of a blackberry, felt the tingle in my mouth from a kombucha, melted in a hot cup of perfectly balanced creamy coffee, saved frogs and lizards from their demise as potential dog treats on walks, and learned about what stars are shining bright on my walks.

    I hope somehow these ideas that I’ve adopted into my daily habits can somehow be helpful to you. Everyone is different. Everyone needs different things. Let this list be a starting point for you. Maybe it can give you some ideas to adopt in a way that is right for your healing.

    Find something your body needs, give your body that thing and celebrate that you are becoming healthier with each cucumber, each attempt at downward-facing dog, or drinking that extra cup of water today.

    As my counselor says: You got this.

    Next up is Part 2: Mental Health.

  • Anne Marie Miller’s Victim Impact Statement after Guilty Plea from Mark Aderholt and Other Women Come Forward

    This morning, I had the opportunity to do something I never thought I would be able to do, emotionally or logistically: tell Mark Aderholt how the sexual abuse he inflicted on me as a teenager affected me, and that I forgave him. I did both at his hearing today at the Tarrant County Courthouse.

    Sarah Smith, who first shared my story last year after Mr. Aderholt’s arrest, wrote about the hearing here. She has become such a trusted friend in the last year. Just a day after coming back from an overseas (much needed) vacation, she traveled all the way up to Dallas to be present. The gallery was full of supporters: friends from twenty years ago and friends I met just today who have been fiercely encouraging over the last year. My family was there, and Tim stood by me as I read the statement. I am eternally grateful for everyone who was there in person or in spirit.

    I wanted to touch on a couple of things before you read the statement:

    • Mr. Aderholt was charged with a fifth crime: assault causing bodily injury. This is the crime he pleaded guilty to, and it’s a misdemeanor. I knew of this plea deal ahead of time, and knew of the sentence it likely carried. The judge did hand down the maximum sentence for this crime, but many people have expressed how the punishment is not fitting of the crime. He will not be on any registries and as long as he keeps the terms of his probation, there will actually be no record of his crimes on a background check.

      Over the last year, I have learned how unspeakably complicated the criminal justice system is. So many variables go into each and every case. While I think we all can agree that Mr. Aderholt is not facing the criminal penalty he should be, the DA’s office asked for my input and wishes during plea negotiations. This included taking into consideration the emotionally charged prospect of a jury trial, facing a relentless and brutal cross-examination by his defense attorney, the impact of a trial on my family and a potential verdict of not guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. I fully trust the prosecuting attorney and the final outcome. For what it’s worth, I do not believe this will be the last time Mr. Aderholt is in a courtroom. I know the court of public opinion (and media) are appropriately convicting of his actual offenses, should he apply for a job in ministry and the organization does a quick internet search.
    • You will notice in my statement a very important paragraph and relatively new development: I am not the only woman Mr. Aderholt has taken advantage of sexually. While these stories are not mine to tell, they are first-hand and disturbing. They have been authenticated by an independent party. The other women helped me write this and it was with their approval that I could share this in court. They can and should (and will) keep full agency of their stories. I believe there are even more people out there who have been affected by Mr. Aderholt’s manipulation.

    Others have come forward in the past few days and shared that you used their vulnerability for your sexual gratification, at times even doing so after you were told to stop.

    -Anne Marie Miller, Victim Impact Statement for Mark Aderholt
    • When I read the statement from Mr. Aderholt’s attorney, Justin Sparks, I literally almost threw up in my mouth. This does not reflect the plea agreement in the courtroom (the judge said something to the effect of “are you pleading guilty to this charge because you are guilty of this charge?” to which Mr. Aderholt agreed.) To hear that he still maintains his innocence and he agreed to this only for the sake of the lesser punishment and for his own “closure” is reprehensible and indicative of how truly deceived this man is.

      Mr. Sparks’ statement is a complete lie. Mark did plead guilty to the crime of bodily injury. If he “maintains his innocence” that just proves he either lied to the judge (hi, perjury!) or he is lying through his attorney. One more notch in the deception belt. What is on record, his pleading guilty, is the truth. What he said in the courtroom is the only thing that matters. What he said to the media is what he pays his lawyer to do: spin the truth. “Mark agreed to this result because the original allegations were abandoned and for closure.” WRONG. He pleaded guilty because he said he did it. Check the court records. Defending someone to the best of your ability is your job, Mr. Sparks. By saying he took the plea deal for reasons other than his admission implies he lied under oath when he pleaded guilty.

      Also in Mr. Sparks’ statement, he makes it seem like the DA just gave up on the case and whipped out an offer. This is TOTALLY false. We had always prepared to go to trial. On the last docket, the defense approached and asked for time and if the DA would consider a negotiation as an alternative to an open plea (trial by judge). We agreed and they came back to the DA’s office with the desire to have the charge changed to a misdemeanor. He is taking advantage of the fact the DA’s office cannot comment on cases so he can literally spew any kind of false information without accountability. I’m here to tell you every insinuation in his statement is 100% false.

    I am so glad this is over. As I state, this is the end not because of any confession or admission of guilt (which, even though he said the word, “guilty,” he evidently didn’t mean it after all), or him asking me for forgiveness (he didn’t even look me in the eye one time in the 10 minutes I read my statement, even though I said I would like to look him in the eye to tell him).

    It is over because I have spoken the truth into the world and I have forgiven him. The only lies that have any power any more are the lies he tells himself.

    Thank you for all of your support and prayers over the years, especially this last one. I’m going to sign off for a couple days and cuddle my little girl and celebrate the end of this with my family.

    Honorable Judge Hagerman: I want to thank you for this opportunity to give this statement. I would also like to thank Mr. William Knight and Detective Charles Cisneros who wisely and compassionately utilized the criminal justice system to hold Mr. Aderholt accountable for his character and actions.

    And before I address the defendant, I want to express gratitude to my husband Tim for supporting me with enduring and sacrificial love during this turbulent time, to my family and friends, including those standing with me today in flesh and in spirit, for their encouragement, love, and prayers, and to our daughter Charlotte who gives me the strength to move beyond this trauma into a courageous and joy-filled life.

    Now, I would like to address the defendant, Mr. Mark Aderholt.

    My family moved from Abilene to Arlington a couple of weeks into my junior year of high school, and I was completely alone. I knew nobody outside of my family and my parents were desperately trying to make ends meet. I was questioning my faith for the first time in my life because of the way the church treated us before we moved. I grieved the rich community I left behind, so I tried to do the one thing I knew how to do in pursuit of finding friends: be the good Christian girl.

    Because we weren’t going to church, I reached out to several pastors on America Online trying to find someone who could help me start a See You at the Pole event at my school. You responded to my email and we met at a McDonalds at the Hypermart off Cooper and Bardin in Arlington. After my mom met you and went to do her shopping, we talked over french fries. When we were done, we went to find my mom and the two of you exchanged seminary and missionary stories before we went our separate ways.

    My See You at the Pole event failed completely and I was having a crisis of faith and identity. You encouraged me to not give up, and you invited me over to your apartment to talk and pray.

    Finally, I thought. A friend.

    I went to your apartment, a bottom floor one bedroom in North Arlington. As we spent time together, we got to know each other. You told me about Pampa and your time at Wayland Baptist and your mission trips and your school. You told me about your family and your sisters—one was my age, give or take. 

    We had fun: We went to Kroger in your blue Grand Am and bought ice cream. You took me to have dinner at Razoo’s in Sundance Square. You kissed me and we acted silly at Greenbriar Park when a car flashed their lights at us. “Let’s give them a show,” you said. I wanted to buy a yellow truck like the one you parked next to at your apartment. You said girls who drove yellow trucks were hot.

    I felt blessed to have you, this man of God, as my friend. We sat on your floor to watch a movie. As your arm brushed against mine—and then stayed there for a moment, I remember feeling nervous but excited. Did you want to be more than friends? You held my hand. You kissed me. And then you kissed me more. 

    On the floor next to your TV, you were on top of me kissing. You rolled off of me for a moment and propped your head up on your arm. You asked if I was a virgin and I awkwardly said yes. You told me you weren’t, that you lost your virginity when you were 13, but it was a mistake you wouldn’t make again.

    You continued kissing me and your hands wandered all over my body. No boy had ever touched me the way you touched me, or in the places you touched me. And you were no boy. You were a man, almost a decade older than my sixteen years. I was afraid to say no, afraid that I would lose one of my only friends. 

    We met many times over my junior year in high school. And out of nowhere, you ended it.

    You told me you were engaged and getting married later that year to a girl you met overseas. She was coming back to the states in the summer and could never find out about us. 

    That was the moment everything changed. Beyond violating my body, when you told me to never talk to you again, you broke my spirit. 

    The world was no longer safe and even the Godliest of men could not be trusted. I was just a body with breasts and hips and thighs and other things too intimate to name. I felt ashamed of what we did, humiliated in my naïveté. You didn’t care that I was already lost and alone and hurting when I met you. In fact, you took advantage of my vulnerability. I was the least likely person to tell anyone what you did. And although it took some time, you were mistaken.

    When I turned 25 and was mentoring a 16 year old girl, I had a revelation just how inappropriate it was for you to pursue a romantic relationship with a girl who had only recently earned her drivers license. I realized you intentionally and dishonorably harmed me and violated me in the most intimate way. This wasn’t a bad break up: You manipulated me. 

    You sexually abused me.

    I told leaders at the International Mission Board of the Southern Baptist Convention what you did, and after they investigated it, they determined I was telling the truth. But they let you resign and over the next decade, you were promoted in your career in the SBC. I could never reconcile why they’d let you do that. It didn’t make sense. Now we know that you continued advancing because you were dishonest with everyone about your past. 

    When the #MeToo movement was going viral on social media, I was mostly offline, busy as a new mom, changing diapers and starting nursing school.  As I looked down at my daughter and reflected on an article a friend sent, I thought to myself, “What am I going to tell her when she’s older? How am I going to make the world safer for her?” Surely there was something more I could do. 

    I decided to report you to the authorities and go public with my story, knowing it would be a step to reclaim the truth in this false narrative you directed for so long. Knowing it was a step to put an end to the power of your dishonesty. 

    On July 3, a year ago tomorrow, you were arrested.

    I am grieved your family has experienced such pain because of your actions. However, you also need to know the dramatic and traumatizing way your disregard for me as a woman and as a sister in Christ has affected me.

    Nine years ago, I checked myself in to an inpatient counseling facility. I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder because of what you did to me.

    I wanted to heal: I wanted to be able to not have a panic attack or feel a searing pain between my legs when I had sex. I didn’t want to shake with fear every time I saw a mid-nineties blue Grand Am. I wanted to drive down Highway 360 to visit my parents without getting nauseous when I passed your old apartment. I didn’t want to feel dread driving by Greenbriar Park every time I went to spend time with my grandparents. Even this year as I would visit my dying grandmother, I would see that park. Something as sacred as her final days were cloaked in the shadows of evil from when you sexually abused me.

    During the investigation last year, there were days I couldn’t get out of bed because of my anxiety. Our daughter, who had just taken her first steps, toddled to the bedroom door saying,  “mama, mama” and my husband would redirect her saying, “mama’s sleeping,” even though I wasn’t. I was so exhausted, but yet I couldn’t stop crying. I thought my husband and daughter would be better off without me: a broken, hopeless person.

    Mark: you need to know that what you did to me made me want to kill myself many times. I even tried once a few years ago, but I couldn’t figure out how to work the gun. 

    On Mother’s Day last year, about a month after the investigation started, I headed to Nashville and went to inpatient therapy again because of my suicidality. While I was there, you were coming home from a mission trip, telling people about a fabricated lawsuit you were supposedly settling with me: a woman from your past who was suing you—something, by the way, that has never happened. When you were on your plane home, I was in an ambulance heading to Trauma Bay #2 of Skyline Hospital in Nashville, out of my therapy treatment two weeks early, because of a freak accident. During a game of baseball, someone lost their grip on the bat and it missiled into my jaw, breaking it in four places. I’ve had four surgeries, two bone grafts, plates and screws and braces and implants. My face will never be the same. 

    The cost of this accident and all of the mental health expenses over the last two decades has a price tag of hundreds of thousands of dollars. This is just one more way I’ve suffered because of the abuse, and it will forever affect my family’s financial future.

    When I first wrote this victim statement, I wrote about how I prayed that you were a statistical anomaly. I wrote about how I hoped I was the only person you sexually violated. 

    I have since learned you are not an anomaly. 

    I am not the only woman you took advantage of. 

    Others have come forward in the past few days and shared that you used their vulnerability for your sexual gratification, at times even doing so after you were told to stop. There are hearts everywhere damaged by your refusal to own up to what you’ve done. The truth is exploding out from all the places you have hidden it. You can no longer hide in the duality you live in. 

    Mark, here we are, face to face, 22 years after seeing each other for the last time. My heart is no longer broken. It has been rebuilt by love and faith and those who have helped carry it and patch it over the years.  I never thought I’d see you again, ever, but now I can and I want to look you in the eyes and tell you I forgive you. 

    I forgive you, Mark. For all of the pain, the time I had to spend away from loved ones, the fear of intimacy, and the financial losses. I forgive you for stealing the good I believed about the world and for damaging the image of a perfect and loving God who I still often doubt cares for me or protects me. 

    I forgive you. And my heart aches for the person-the man-you could be if you would just tell the truth and accept the responsibility that comes with it.

    I used to believe that in order for this ordeal to be over, you needed to tell the truth and ask me to forgive you. I know now that’s not the case. This is over because I have spoken the truth. It’s over because I have forgiven you. Your lies have no more power. 

    This is over, Mark. This is the end.

    I do pray, however, that it is a new beginning for you.

    I pray you begin to feel the pulse of conviction pursuing your heart. 

    I pray you begin to immerse yourself in the repentance and forgiveness you have spent your life proclaiming but never fully experiencing. 

    I pray that you begin to choose to live honorably and honestly for yourself and for your family.

    And I pray you will know the holy and saving power of God’s perfect and unconditional love. God loves you so much, Mark. Please ask for the strength and the help you need to be made whole. He does not forsake those he loves. He hasn’t forsaken me. He won’t forsake you either. 

  • Abuse of Faith Article Part 4, Abused by Missionaries

    Today, the Houston Chronicle released the fourth part of their Abuse of Faith series, this one titled Abused by Missionaries. My story is included, including a darn powerful video done by Jon Shapely. We went to the apartment where my abuse occurred several times, and he captured the raw response I had returning to that location.

    Credit: Houston Chronicle

    As a result of going public with my story last year, the International Mission Board of the Southern Baptist Convention began an independent external investigation of their handling of past cases, including mine, and current policies related to sexual abuse. During the examination, I have had multiple opportunities to provide input, including raising concerns with how IMB handled my case when I reported my abuse in 2007.

    Several months ago, without knowing when this article would release, the organization asked if I could meet with them so we could discuss my situation to talk about what was not handled appropriately in the past and to learn specifics about the recommendations made by Gray Plant Mooty and how they will be implementing them.

    I had the opportunity to meet face-to-face with a member of IMB senior leadership and an officer of the Board of Trustees. The senior leader and officer recognized that some aspects of my case were not handled appropriately and apologized to me on behalf of the IMB. I also had the opportunity to ask questions and share my thoughts about IMB’s implementation of the examiner’s recommendations. I was encouraged by what they said and the additional details they shared. They assured me that IMB will make the changes recommended by GPM nd will move toward implementing best practices for prevention and response, even in many cases going beyond their legal duty.

    Here’s to hoping.

    In other news, nursing school is getting more intense and my book Healing Together has some exciting things happening behind the scenes. Above all, I have been learning just how valuable every moment is that I spend with my family, and I’m looking forward to pouring all of who I am-with as little distraction as possible-into my marriage and my daughter.

    I am still committed to advocating and doing everything I can to bring light to where light needs to be brought, shining it on other parts of the system that are not moving forward.

    As always, thank you. I am so grateful for your support and prayers and faithfulness.

    Anne

  • A Note to Some Folks: Mark Aderholt Lied to You

    A Note to Some Folks: Mark Aderholt Lied to You

    I’ve been debating writing this post for some time. As news of Mark Aderholt’s resignation and subsequent arrest became public last year, I received emails (and a phone call or two) from people who knew him. Before he was arrested, and I assume when he started to figure out something was going on, he created an entirely false narrative to explain what was happening.

    From my understanding based on multiple sources, around the same time as he went on a mission trip to Hong Kong, he told people in his circles that he pursued a “normal” relationship with a woman (some said he “gave a sanitized version” of the story that came out in the Star-Telegram). That woman was accusing him of things that did not happen and sued him. He then told them that he was finalizing the settlement and the lawsuit would be settled shortly after he returned from his trip.

    This, on all accounts, is completely false.

    • He did not pursue a “normal” relationship with a woman in his past. He pursued a physical/sexual relationship with a 16-year-old girl. And, according to his written personal testimony (which I have seen first hand), he did this while he pursued a courtship with the woman who is now his wife. He met her shortly before he returned to the US in 1996 and said he knew around the time they met that she was the woman he was going to marry. He sexually abused me from September 1996 through April 1997. She returned the summer of 1997 from being overseas and they married in December 1997. They later moved to Hungary to serve with the IMB.
    • The only time I have ever communicated directly with Mark after he was married was in 2006, when I emailed the email address listed on his missionary website. I did this at the suggestion of my (non-licensed) church counselor. The letter was to state the facts of what happened to the best of my memory, let him know that I forgave him, and I think that I was moving on with my life (though I don’t remember for sure on that last part. I know it was what I wrote in my journal about sending the letter). I never got a reply to that.
    • Given that, I have never sued Mark or filed any lawsuit of any kind. I have never written a demand letter. I have never even hired an attorney to explore that or attempt that. The only time I have retained counsel was during my divorce in 2010, to make sure that everything was done by the book relating to my divorce filing, and that alone.
    • As such, there was never a lawsuit, so there was never an attempt to settle or a settlement. His claim of settling a lawsuit is entirely false. I have never sued anyone, though I explored the option to sue Milestones in Tennessee for damages after my jaw was broken in four places as a result of one of their recreational activities. However, for several reasons, I did not sue them. I’ve never, ever sued anyone or settled a lawsuit.
    • I wanted to make this information public because I have no idea how many people he lied to about this. In conversations with various people that knew him, they learned they were also lied to about the reason he returned to the US after he resigned (before he could be terminated) when the IMB determined he abused me and, once again said Mark did not confess to the full truth of the relationship with me. He told people that God very clearly called them back to the US to train missionaries and nothing about the fact that he would no longer be able to serve as an IMB missionary because he was determined to have been credibly accused of sexually abusing a minor.

    I know it’s hard to reconcile Mr. Aderholt’s apparent double life. He did so much good and was well liked by many. I was enamored by his personality when I was a teenager, and I trusted him too. It is my hope that he will decide to come clean and own his dishonesty, apologize and ask forgiveness from those to whom he lied. If you were a person that he lied to, I am truly sorry for whatever pain or loss you experienced. I’m here to answer any questions or provide any documentation you need.

    With sorrow for what’s been lost and hope for restoration and justice for everyone involved,

    Anne Marie Miller

  • On Life, School, Career, Writing, Faith and the Future (AKA I’m not Abraham and if God is God and Time Will Tell).

    There’s this thing happening on social media where you compare pictures of the present to pictures from ten years ago. So much of the revival of this site has been focused on my #MeToo #ChurchToo #SBCToo story. If you’re someone who’s been around these parts for the last decade, you know there have been significant changes in my life during that time. I thought we’d play a little game of catch up. Please feel free to comment if you are still around (or if you’re new and want to say hi.) I’d love to see some familiar names and faces from the past and know what you’re up to.

    A Brief History

    I remember starting back on Xanga in 2003-2005, and then invented FlowerDust.net (now owned by a Canadian marijuana company, which totally makes me laugh). Next, because I was tired of being called “That Flowerdust Girl” instead of Anne Jackson at conferences, I dropped the moniker for something much more serious, so those pastors would take a 28-year-old girl who wrote church leadership books more seriously. AnneJacksonWrites.com was born and now someone squatted it in Singapore.

    After my divorce in 2010, I declared social media bankruptcy and deleted all my accounts and then after my remarriage in 2013, I switched my site name (again!) to annemariemiller.com, re-started social media in 2018 when the news about my sexual abuse and the arrest of the pastor who did it…now, here we are. I’m kind of on social media and not sure really what to do, so there is not one iota of strategy to any of this.

    On Life, School, and Career

    Tim and I got married on the eastern shores of Oahu in March 2013. We went from freelancing and owning our own business in Nashville to working at a church in Lubbock (and somehow ended up on a reality show house hunting). After only a few months in a very toxic leadership environment, Tim resigned and we moved back to Iowa, where he’s from. We got pregnant (quite miraculously) in 2015 and Charlotte was born the summer of 2016.  Wanting to move close to my family for school and for Charlotte, we moved to the DFW area in summer 2017. Tim has a sweet job doing video at a great company here in DFW and I’m in nursing school while working as needed with at-risk pregnant women (along with some other OB and occasionally internal medicine) at a local hospital. I love, love, love it.

    I should have my RN when I’m 40 and my BSN shortly after. Then, it’s off to the races for my APRN and DNP. It’s my hope (at this point) to go into advance practice forensic nursing or pediatric and adolescent psychiatry so that I can help sexual abuse survivors and their families in a very tangible way. Charlotte is currently acing preschool with an A in coloring and painting, a B in potty training and a C in PE. She does not have her daddy’s athletic ability. She’s currently named with the prestigious awards of “Most Likely to Be a Stand Up Comedian” and “Best Bear Crawl.”

    On Writing

    In 2014, I signed a two book deal (for my fourth and fifth published books) with Baker books. My book 5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know About Their Kids and Sex came out in 2016 and I realized I didn’t have anything else to say to the world. I bought back my contract (still paying that off.) and when I stopped writing, people stopped asking me to speak. If asked, I still do a couple of events a year. It’s fun and I do miss it.

    I’m currently working on self-publishing a book called Healing Together: A Guide for Helping Sex Abuse Survivors. It will be FREE (except for the paperback, which I will only charge the very minimum that Amazon requires me to charge for printing and shipping using their on-demand service). To pay for the minimal costs of writing that (editing, design, web hosting), I have a Patreon account that is currently receiving $77/month in donations and I’m grateful for every dollar that’s helping us pay for the cost of doing business. I hope to finish it and release it by Spring 2019.

    On Faith

    The last few years have been hard faith-wise. In 2014 and 2015 when we sold our business and Tim went to pastor in Lubbock, not only were we totally blindsided by the aforementioned toxic leadership in the church we left (on a side note, there were many people who attended that church that we consider dear to us), but we also went through at least two miscarriages, one being extremely traumatic.

    From the trauma of the church, to the miscarriages, another church experience back in Iowa, moving because of all these church situations…my faith started to get exhausted. I won’t speak for my husband’s, but it’s safe to say he’s probably at a similar place.

    I prayed for strength, for hope, for light, and for a little relief. Nothing. I chose to speak out about my abuse and report him to law enforcement. That only caused my trauma to resurface and I ended up needing to go into inpatient treatment again.

    While at the inpatient facility working on the trauma from my abuse, I was hit in the left jaw by a bat when someone swung at a water balloon and accidentally lost control of it. My jaw broke in four places and I had to stay in the trauma unit of Skyline Hospital in Nashville (where I was in treatment) for three days, and in the hospital a week. I lost one tooth immediately and will probably end up losing two more. My jaw was wired shut for 8 weeks, I’ve had 3 or 4 surgeries and have to get 2 more, maybe 3 (bone grafts and implants). I experienced the greatest amount of physical pain I have ever experienced and because of that, developed a fantastic (sarcastically said) physical dependence on opioids because of the high doses I needed for pain control during the two months of surgeries and the relatively long term use. So now, I’m doing a taper and withdrawal plan for that.

    I have braces now which also wire in a fake tooth (my front left tooth). I’ll have to get implants and veneers when the braces come off in two years. The entire ordeal cost almost $500,000 when everything is included and our out-of-pocket is in the tens of thousands of dollars and no, the facility did not offer to cover any of those expenses and yes, I’m seeking some legal remediation in that area but in the off chance that works, it’s years away. Right before I reported my abuse, before inpatient treatment, and before getting hit in the face with a bat, we bought a house.

    The timing was…horrible.

    So, in short: trauma on trauma on trauma on trauma on trauma on top of watching money fly out the window faster than the speed of a bat flying at your face.

    To say God is silent is almost an understatement. Some people say it’s spiritual warfare, others say I was “protected” because I’m not dead. I just know that I don’t know and I really don’t even care at this point. People refer me to Christian books or speakers or podcasts and even though I’m nodding my head and am grateful for their thoughts, because of my time in that industry, I am cynical, I don’t trust people in it, and people who I used to “work” with (speak with, endorse their books, travel with, write with) have mostly been absent during this traumatic time. So, no thank you. Hard pass.

    I pray only out of superstition, to be quite honest. I don’t know how “God” operates anymore so I definitely don’t want to NOT pray for my family’s protection just in case there is some spiritual safety net that’s catching any “attacks” coming our way.

    People say, “the devil just wants you to shut up” or “he wants you to live in fear.” Well, guess what? I’m not Abraham. I’m sorry, but if it comes between fulfilling some calling in my life outside of my family and the safety of my family, you better believe I’m going to choose my family every time. And when you (I) am operating under the question of God’s very existence and presence and interference in our daily life, the foundations of the Christian belief system don’t apply to the way I even process spirituality right now. If I don’t believe with uncertainty that God has a plan or that he operates as I’ve been taught in my protestant upbringing, in my middle-class American thinking, points about “warfare” or “all things working for good” aren’t in the spectrum of what I’m thinking. And if all of this sounds selfish, you’re right, it does. And right now, I’m okay with that.

    If God is God in the way I thought I knew him, I suppose he’s okay with the space I need to figure it out, and life will continue. And if God is God in the way I thought I knew him, he’ll show up, and life will continue. And if he isn’t okay with it and/or he doesn’t show up, then life will continue.

    On The Future

    It’s pretty simple. The justice system will take care of my abuse and I fully trust the Tarrant County DA’s office with that. I may or may not have to testify in a public trial and in front of the man who abused me.

    I’ll go to school and go to work and write this book and release it with no expectations other than to hope all of it helps some people along the way.

    Tim and I will continue to love each other, to love our daughter, and to be responsible adults who care about people and the world and we’ll do our best to raise our daughter to do the same.

    Maybe we will be surprised by God or maybe we already were.

    Time will tell.

    And maybe over time, I’ll tell you

    (if it’s even worth telling, of course).

    For what it’s worth, here’s me in January 2009 and me now.


     

     

  • Sexual Abuse Survivor Update: Mark Aderholt, International Mission Board & Southern Baptist Convention

    It has been over four months since Mark Aderholt, the man who sexually abused me in 1996 and 1997, when I was 16 years old, was arrested and charged with three felonies: two counts of Indecency with a Child–Sexual Contact and one count of Sexual Assault of a Child under the age of 17.

    This arrest made headlines because the Southern Baptist Convention’s mission arm, the International Mission Board, knew about the abuse, found it to be credible after an internal investigation in 2007, and did not report it to authorities or within the SBC, citing they could potentially face legal issues if they had let Aderholt’s future employers know that he sexually abused a teenager when he was a student at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. That’s why he was able to get a job pastoring in an SBC church two months after he resigned from the IMB, and climbed the ranks into a state convention executive position.

    Even after his arrest, the IMB held defensive ground until their then-president, David Platt, returned from remote Africa and found out about the “extremely disturbing” situation. He and Dr. Russell Moore, president of the SBC’s Ethics and Religious Liberties Commission (ERLC), called to apologize and asked what I wanted them to do. I said I wanted them to open up my case and others to make sure any sexual abuse or misconduct that was criminal was reported to authorities and to make sure there were no other victims during Aderholt’s tenure overseas. Platt went over his public statement to make sure it addressed everything I wished and that night, released it. The following day, SBC president J.D. Greear, who was also aware of the incident, announced the SBC was launching a sexual abuse study group which was funded $250,000 in September.

    I wanted to issue this update to address questions I’ve received since all this happened.

    • Mr. Aderholt will be facing the Tarrant County grand jury very soon–within the next few weeks from what I understand. I am meeting with the ADA and prosecutor for this case this week. If he is indicted, he will have the chance to enter his plea (guilty/not guilty/etc.)
    • I emailed the IMB to get an update and received a reply from the current interim president, Clyde Meador. Mr. Meador was aware of my abuse in 2007 and was one of the people I spoke to from the IMB about it back then. He said I should expect to hear from the third party investigators (I do not know who this group is) in fall. I have yet to hear from them.
    • I have not been contacted by anybody in the SBC about the sexual abuse study group and from what I have been able to see in my brief glances on social media, it appears relatively obscure as far as any actionable details.
    • There have been a few public panels put on by the ERLC and other SBC entities, but unfortunately, I have not seen any true action taking place that is any different than before.
    • I do not see anything new that helps prevent abuse, that is looking into past credible abuse, or that is offering support to known survivors of abuse within the SBC. At a minimum, I absolutely think there should be a fund to help survivors receive trauma-informed therapeutic help.
    • I’ve decided I need to do what I can to help other survivors. I’m writing and self-publishing a book called Healing Together: A Guide for Helping Sexual Abuse Survivors that will be out as soon as I can get it done. I am hoping by the end of the year at the latest. Following me on social media is probably the best way to find out about it if you’re interested. (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram)

    It may appear the SBC has a mountain of a task to climb and in many ways it does; that’s what happens when you allow crime and sin to dirty up under your rugs for so long.

    At the same time, it’s really not that difficult.

    How? They could be in contact with survivors to by writing a short email or a dialing up a quick phone call. Any words of, “How are you? How can we pray? How is your family?” from the powers-that-be who have made promises to reconcile these wounds would actually make a huge difference, at least to me.

    I have communicated my personal wishes and clearly stated that hearing nothing from the SBC would be painful. In a majority of the places where I stated this, those requests have gone unanswered. And as I predicted, the silence is painful. They know and yet they do not act.

    I was hopeful this summer when these big statements were made. That hope, however, has been tempered by silence and relative inaction. In my case, instead of closing the gap of mistrust caused by the SBC, it continues to widen…maybe a bit more slowly now, but the stitches are being torn apart and the wound is still raw and open.

    Lest you think I’m sitting in a puddle of tears, not all is in despair: I am most encouraged and supported by local authorities and law and order. Constant contact, support, sincere inquiries into wellbeing, victim support services, face-to-face meetings, “we want to make this right for you and here is how we are doing it,” and people keeping promises make the criminal side of this ordeal a bit more bearable. Also, a HUGE amount of support from online–other survivors, pastors I don’t know, and people I have met along the way–has also been a great source of encouragement.

    Nursing school is going well and we are excited to be in our new home for the holidays, ending what seems to be a constant stream of moving and rentals. Charlotte is 2 1/2 and it’s a fun and crazy age that has us laughing and crying and sometimes visits to urgent care for big bumps on heads. Tim’s work has been incredibly supportive in giving him time off to even financially assisting with some medical bills. Even a VPs Tim’s company of 10K+ employees pulled me aside once to ask how this case is going and how we are doing—he saw it in the local paper here. I was amazed he put the awkwardness away and asked, “how are you?” and it spoke life into my heart.

    That’s all I have for now. Don’t give up asking for what is owed. Don’t hesitate to report your abuse. Ask for help. And don’t give up hope, but at the same time, learn not to expect it from the places you think it should come from, like the church.

    That’s what I’m learning (again) anyway.

     

    [edit: Need to add this to my post: there are 2 leaders who’ve been constant & supportive of me in this situation: Ed Stetzer and Dr. Russell Moore. I understand many people have many different feelings about lots of issues surrounding them, but they have both been very supportive. Worth noting. I also know they hosted 2 of the panels I have mentioned that I’m happy for, but don’t think they (the panels) do much. However, I want to give credit where credit is due and we have been grateful for their prayers and support on many occasion.]

  • Dear Dr. Christine Blasey Ford: As You Look Kavanaugh in the Eyes, I’m Thinking of You

    Dear Dr. Ford:

    As you look Brett Kavanaugh in the eyes on Thursday, I’m thinking of you.

    I’m a stranger to you, so it may not matter, but I’m proud of you for coming forward in such a high-stakes and public way. The entire country, maybe the entire world, is watching the hearing on Thursday where you and Mr. Kavanaugh will be testifying.

    Credit: Democracy Now

    You’ve opened up to the most intimate part of your life, released a weight you’ve carried for almost forty years, and in that vulnerability, there is no doubt in my mind you’ve been wounded. I’m not on social media much these days and in my limited reading, I’ve seen the polar and bitter opposites debating your truth, damning your courage, and pruning your life to pieces bit-by-bit, as you were a wounded animal on the side of the road and strangers on social media or in the news are vultures preying on you, shredding you to pieces until all that remains is dry bones.

    Dr. Ford, I believe you. And my heart is with you.

    Earlier this year, I reported the man who sexually assaulted me to police and a couple of months later, he was arrested and charged with three felonies. He was not a candidate for the United States Supreme Court, but in his own pond, he was a big fish. He is a conservative family man who was well respected in evangelical circles and who had a position of power and authority.

    The story made it on the news in a few places, and when it hit TV news in the town where he was a pastor for a really long time, people were shocked. The emails I received that I must be lying because everyone who knew his character knew he could not have committed the crimes he did, sexually assaulting and abusing a sixteen-year-old girl when he was a 25-year-old seminary student and youth pastor. And it happened over the course of several months. If I continued going back to him, why should he be punished for it? Clearly, I was consenting. And of course, why bring it up now, after all these years. I’m exhausted from explaining the answer as I’m sure you are too.

    When my story was published as front-page news in a Star-Telegram, I read the man who assaulted me is maintaining his innocence. His lawyer’s comment, “Mark is innocent and this case will be tried in court” sucked the air out of my lungs then, just as it does now as I type it.

    It is likely I will have to sit in a court and only a few attorneys away, my abuser will be sitting. He will watch me walk up to the stand and I’ll have to sit in a wooden box with a judge on my right and tell every horrific detail of my abuse to both strangers and the public, all while he is sitting there, fully aware that the light in my truth will bring the darkness of his lies out. Fully aware that this is his reckoning. That the road of his denial over the last 22 years, whether direct or omitted, ends.

    While TV and movie courts typically elevate the freedom and justice of a survivor speaking his or her truth, what is left out is the panic-ridden moments that fuel each and every day, stealing life and joy. We play the reel of our court hearings in our minds days, months, even years before they happen. The Hollywood dramas don’t show we feel like we’re going crazy and that every ounce of denial from the person who preyed on us hammers only more shame and guilt and loss deeper and deeper into our cores.

    When I learned I will have to sit in a courtroom with the man who sexually assaulted me 22 years ago, and who has denied it ever since, 99% of my will wanted to go back to the detective who worked so fiercely and yet so kindly on my case and tell him I can’t do it. Not because I made it up, but because I am not strong enough to face my abuser. His lies hold a power over me that is pure, unadulterated terror. I don’t even know why.

    But you see, and I know you understand, there is this 1%. And this 1% is so violently stronger than then 99% that feels all-consuming. The 1% for me is my daughter and every other little girl, whether she is two-years-old like mine or 91 years old like my grandma, but every – little – girl needs a voice to go before hers.

    • A voice that says I don’t care who you think you are, you have done something evil and you have not yet paid the consequences for it, let alone admitted to it.
    • A voice that says I am worth fighting for and the pain and joy and loss your actions caused in my life deserve to be heard and justified.
    • A voice that says, yes, I’m sorry that many people have been hurt in the wake of this truth coming to light, but you know as much as the next guy that the truth does set you free. Why you didn’t believe this for yourself is on you, and not on me.

    Dr. Ford, you have been on my mind and heart since you were first asked to testify in this hearing. When you first said “not yet” I fully understood. When they asked you to do it so soon, my heart raced in fear for what you must be feeling. And when you said yes, my gratitude for your bravery left me speechless.

    I know you carry the weight of what this man did to you even now. I know you feel sadness for his family and his friends and the people who feel so completely deceived by him. I carry that weight too, and it is not easy.

    But thank you, Dr. Ford. Thank you for going first in this situation where the man who assaulted you completely maintains his innocence. It is a lion’s den not many can say they are thrown into, and yet you willingly jumped in.

    When my time comes, I will be carrying the strength you have given us all with me as I look the man who assaulted me into his eyes and speak the truth, one more time, in one more step to freedom.

    [AUTHOR’S NOTE: I have received emails about this asking me to defend why I think Dr. Ford is not making this up or to remove this since Kavanaugh was confirmed. The people reading this who wrote those emails do not understand the point of this post.

    This is not an op-ed on Dr. Ford; it is a thank you note. We share the same situation: she claims someone assaulted her and he maintains his innocence. I claim someone assaulted me and that man also maintains his innocence.

    If all you get from this blog entry is the fact it’s up in spite of his confirmation, you’re missing the point. I’ll be selfish here. This post is about my fear that is brought about by the Kavanaugh hearing. So don’t email me your political thoughts. I immediately delete those emails and I don’t read them. Thank you.]

     

  • Anne Marie Miller’s Statement on Her Sexual Abuse Story and the International Mission Board Cover Up

    When I signed off my blog in May 2017, I never thought I’d be writing on this platform again. I definitely didn’t expect a year later, in between my daughter’s diaper changes and first steps, I would be meeting with detectives and going back into inpatient trauma treatment.

    I didn’t know I would learn Mark Aderholt, the man who sexually abused me when I was sixteen years old–whom I reported to the International Mission Board in 2007–was not reported to local authorities (contrary to their policy mentioned in a recent statement). I didn’t know I would learn he had an opportunity to resign instead of being terminated (also contrary to their recent statement). The IMB’s General Counsel stated Aderholt was not terminated from his role and was not reported to authorities.

    The collision of learning about Aderholt’s upward mobility and increased responsibility within the SBC, potential access to vulnerable people groups with his travels, and the IMB’s failure to report both to authorities and within the SBC spurred me to make a personally difficult and necessary decision: reporting him to law enforcement.

    Because of the overwhelming evidence of this crime, the Crimes Against Children unit of the Arlington, Texas Police Department quickly accepted, investigated, and when deemed credible, passed the case along to the Tarrant County District Attorney who then issued warrants for this man’s arrest. He was arrested, jailed, and released on bond–all within three months of my original police report.

    If there was one statement I could delete from human language in regard to sexual abuse reporting, it would be, “Why did he/she wait so long to report? Why now?” and I would like to address that in this post.

    • First and foremost, sexual trauma is brutal. The pain, shame, and confusion that happens when someone is violated on a physically intimate and in my case, a spiritual level destroys a person. It is more common than not that people do not immediately recognize or report sexual trauma. There are evidence-based studies that confirm this. To expect an abuse survivor to head over to the police soon after he or she was violated is insensitive, ill-informed, and without compassion.
    • For me, I did not recognize my abuse as abuse until I was my abuser’s age in 2005. When I was serving in student ministry at the age of 25, one night at a coworker’s 25th birthday party, I had a realization of how inappropriate a sexual relationship between a 25-year-old and a 16-year-old is. Serendipitously the following day, I saw a television program on the grooming process most predators use and it mirrored my experience. I was forever changed. The next day, I went to a counselor in my church to discuss it. I still didn’t realize what occurred was an actual crime. She was not well versed in mandatory reporting and did not know she needed to report this either.
    • Two years later in 2007, in my process of healing, I continued to realize the gravity of what happened. My abuser was a missionary overseas with the IMB and when a friend who was a pastor learned of my abuse, he immediately went to the IMB to report it. The IMB conducted an internal investigation after the abuser denied it, and they unanimously determined the abuse happened. They asked me if I wanted to report it to law enforcement. I said I didn’t think I could emotionally handle it. In my mind, if a criminal investigation was anything like the IMB investigation, I knew I couldn’t handle it. They did not ask if they could report it. They inappropriately crossed boundaries with their questions that had nothing to do with why we all were there, which was humiliating. The correct answer is “We’re sorry you don’t feel like you can report it. We have to, regardless. Let us walk you through this and help you with any psychological trauma that may result.” This team was not trauma-informed and the pain that was caused directly and significantly affected my physical and emotional health over the past ten years. After opening my deepest wound, they left me with no care plan or any offer of any help for my activated emotional state. I had one, off-the-record conversation with the IMB psychologist who reassured me it was normal for me to not remember every detail of my abuse—a common trauma response that disturbed me greatly. That was the only tangible psychological care I was offered or received. The financial cost for both physical and mental health treatment has always been a struggle too, and there is no way to seek any relief nor has any financial assistance been offered at any point in time despite knowing of my various hospitalizations. This is contrary to their policy to provide compassionate care to abuse survivors.
    • In my former career as an author and speaker in the evangelical world (2008-2016), I spoke generically but freely about my abuse. It’s mentioned in old blogs, each of my books (though when it was written or spoken about, I changed minor details to protect my abuser’s and the IMB’s identity, at the IMB’s request, and because general publishing rules require it).

    So, while it initially took me almost a decade to recognize it as abuse, immediately after I did, I took action on it.

    I have been speaking about my abuse since 2005.

    It is well documented by the IMB itself that they have known about my abuse since 2007. However, on July 10, 2018, they said: “The IMB learned about the charges against [Aderholt] from the Star-Telegram’s July 9 report.” (Update: They say they specifically meant “the criminal charges” in this instance.)

    They have ignored my question of how can he still serve within the SBC after he was terminated for such a serious thing, and I did not get a response.

    The question isn’t why did I not report it (because I did) but why did the IMB not report it eleven years ago or at any time in the last ten years that I have brought my questions up to them?

    Over the last couple of weeks, as I continued to realize the amount of ignorance in regard to sexual abuse demonstrated by many of those within SBC churches and entities, I saw the power in sharing my story grow more necessary and I could no longer in good conscience keep silent about the inaction of the IMB.

    It is necessary for me to publicly come out with my story because I have been speaking about my abuse for so long, both privately in the IMB investigation and publicly in my past career, the question, “why now?”–although NEVER should apply in any sexual misconduct–definitely does not apply in my story.

    My hope in sharing my story is four-fold:

    • It is my hope that by coming forward publicly, those with similar stories who have felt unheard or who have not felt safe enough to report their abuse can and will come forward and find freedom. It is a freedom that is painful and terrifying to walk into, but it is freedom nonetheless. If you are a survivor of abuse and do not know your next steps, please email me. I could not have walked down this road without support from others who know the law and who have walked down this road in their own life. It’s time for me to pass this on. You are not alone. Please. Email me.
    • It is my hope that by coming forward publicly, the SBC will see that there is a systemic problem and there are intentional efforts to cover up sexual abuse within not only its churches but within its peripheral entities and finally, once and for all, change this. The idol of autonomy within the SBC hurts people and protects the people who hurt them. This cannot happen anymore and because of the well-documented inaction in my case, to argue otherwise is impossible.
    • It is my hope that by coming forward publicly, I am letting the SBC formally know I am personally willing and passionately interested in helping develop systems to create change and am open to that conversation.  I am a woman who is gifted in communication, system development, and I possess a deep understanding of and empathy for abuse survivors. I am hopeful about this, SBC. Reach out to me. Please let me and other people help you. You can no longer hide under autonomous systems that have been proven over time to be inefficient and/or non-existent. You must take responsibility for changing this and the time to do so is now. 
    • Finally, it is my hope that by coming forward publicly, whether you are a survivor, an abuser, the loved one of a survivor or abuser, or simply a bystander to all this, that we all will know the hope, love, freedom, and joy that is found through a saving relationship in Christ. It is through this relationship that I have the hope, love, freedom, and joy that I have and these things fuel each and every imperfect step I take.

    Be kind to others, and gentle with yourself.

    With love and gratitude,

    anne-sig

    Anne Marie Miller

    PLEASE NOTE: This is my formal statement on the reports that have been published today. If there is something that was not answered here that is both appropriate and relevant, please email me at anne@annemariemiller.com. 

    To clarify, my abuse was never violent or forced.

    I may not be able to respond to all emails and I may have a friend assist me in answering, but know your email will be read and I will pray for you if you request. If you need assistance with reporting sexual abuse and don’t know where to go, please email me and I will help you.

    Due to a recent accident, I am having several invasive surgeries this week so I may not be able to respond immediately depending on if I am in surgery/recovery. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

    Also, thank you for your respect for mine and my family’s privacy. It’s still incredibly raw and not easy to speak about, so your grace is appreciated. Please be kind in your responses publicly, and show love to those who show pain or ignorance. Believe the best. It’s the only way we can move forward together.