Anne Marie Miller

Category: Marriage

Practicing Trauma Recovery and Replanting My Feet
In 2017, I never thought I’d be back in the writing world. I “retired” and went into nursing school and closed down this blog and my public social media. I began that goodbye saying, “This is my final post.” It wasn’t, and so I won’t say that this is my final post. I only have two feet to put in my mouth and I’ve used both of them up.

The Revival

In 2018, I decided to report my childhood sexual abuse. Mark Aderholt, the man who sexually abused me in 1996, was arrested and indicted on four felonies: Indecency with a Child: Sexual Contact and Sexual Assault of a Child under 17 years old. While the Tarrant County DA accepted a plea bargain presented by the defense (Aderholt pleaded guilty to a fifth charge: Assault Causing Bodily Injury), I decided that this was the end of that trauma in my life.

Recovery is a lifelong journey, but I’ve taken my power back. This is over because I spoke the truth and I forgave him. This ending has nothing to do with his cowardly lack of admission but instead my choice to leave it behind. I had the opportunity to face him at his sentencing and read him a victim impact statement which you can read here.

This event was in the middle of a reckoning in the evangelical church (in my case, the Southern Baptist Convention and it’s foreign missions organization, the International Mission Board) and the #churchtoo movement. It’s been encouraging to see the baby steps they are taking to prevent and heal sexual abuse that’s happened in the church. It’s frustrating that (yet I am grateful for) the mainstream media bringing attention to it after years of voices within the church trying, but it is what it is, nonetheless. A personally meaningful and memorable piece was when Rachel Martin from NPR’s Morning Edition took the time to listen to my story. The last-minute of the interview is a perfect example of holding space for someone in their grief.

In the journey over the last year and a half, I saw the need for a resource for those who support survivors. I began writing it with the intent to self-publish it, but the publisher of my first book decided to pick this one up. My latest book, Healing Together, A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors, released on October 15, 2019, through Zondervan. You can get a copy here.

As I did in 2017, I don’t expect to pick up the pen professionally again at this point. I began nursing school in 2017 and after a year hiatus due to the criminal investigation, I intend to finish my BSN at the end of 2023 and continue on to graduate school to work in psychiatric nursing. My current job at a DFW hospital system, which I love, the joy of serving my family and my patients and my focus on my education is more than enough to prevent my hands from being idle.

Practices in Healing

Some have asked what therapies and practices I’ve found to be most effective in my healing. I say the word practice because that’s exactly how it works. We practice. Sometimes we master it and sometimes we fail. The point is, we practice. Have grace and be gentle with yourself.

The below practices and resources are the ones that I’ve personally found to be exceptionally helpful at healing trauma and opening up space for me to find new joy, make daily choices to continue to grow, stay healthy, and not allow the trauma of the past to linger within my body now that the threat is gone. It’s been about nine months of intentionally choosing to move within this flow, and while there are challenging days and events, I’ve found that far more often than not, I feel balanced, calm, and hopeful. Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor or psychologist, so please check with your own health care providers to see what healthy options are available to you in your unique situation.

Physical Health
- Eating a completely vegetarian (no meat or fish) diet, consuming fewer animal products (usually humanely curated cheese, butter, and eggs), fewer processed foods (keep in mind, we have a three-year-old so boxed mac and cheese is a staple).
- Drinking a lot of water. A LOT. No soda or alcohol, and coffee as needed but only until noon.
- Going to bed ideally by 9 pm (10 pm at the latest) and waking up by 5:30 am (6:30 am at the latest) even on weekends. In either case, listening to my body and giving it grace for the exceptions is just as important.
- Exercising in some capacity once or twice a day with slow-paced exercise. For me, it’s been yoga, mostly power yoga (yoga combined with HITT and calisthenics) for 30 minutes a day (and if I can’t do that, at least 10 in the morning or before bed). I also try walking the dogs every night after Charlotte goes to bed but when it’s cold or windy, Tim graciously walks them. Also, stretching every morning and before bed.
- Practicing deep breathing in the morning, at lunch, before bed, and as needed.
- Being more intentional about my posture. This tiny act helps breathing, the energy I put out into the space around me, and my confidence. Who knew?
Mental and Emotional Health
- Sticking with a good psychiatrist and getting genetic testing. I had a psychiatrist before I reported my abuse, and I saw her a couple of times and then switched to my PCP for refills because I thought I couldn’t afford her. When things got a little screwy, I went back to her and I decided I couldn’t not afford her. She offered genetic testing for psychotropic medication because I was having some abnormal responses to SSRIs. Usually, these tests are pricey but it turns out they offer huge discounts depending on your financial need. The test showed that I don’t metabolize SSRIs so they build up in my system. Imagine a medication that is supposed to lift up your mood just getting piled up in your body. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I had some major panic attacks and worry. The test showed that another medication that is a mood stabilizer would work in my body well. It did. I’ve been on it for almost two years now and it does exactly what it needs to do. If you can find a psychiatrist who also does psychotherapy, you’ll find a gem.
- In addition to medication management and some talk therapy, I’ve started seeing a coach that practices EFT, or Emotionally-Focused Therapy. EFT is a little less traditional and seems a little hippy-dippy, but it focuses on identifying the negative and uncomfortable emotions you are feeling and listening to what they’re trying to tell you. Your mind realizes that these emotions, although awful to feel, are there to help you and not harm you. It uses the meridian system and often utilizes something called tapping. If you watch some YouTube videos, it seems absolutely assinine that tapping rhythmically on points in your body would help, but this is one of the most helpful activities I’ve done for my mental health. It’s been night and day different. My anxiety is much, much less (I’ve been able to get off anxiety medication and only take it in the most relenting situations which is usually just a couple of times a month. I never thought that would be possible!) It’s an entirely different modality of understanding with and sitting with uncomfortable emotions, seeing them as an asset and not a burden to get rid of. I can’t reiterate how life-changing this relationship and this therapy have been. Because it doesn’t fall under “typical” therapy protocol, my coach has become a dear friend.
- In the last year, I’ve had seven ketamine infusions. Ketamine is used as anesthesia but has recently gained FDA approval to be used in treatment-resistant depression, trauma, anxiety and pain disorders. It’s another relatively expensive investment, but it has been one of the most effective treatments I’ve used. At the beginning, it felt like I needed it often, but now, I don’t have any feeling that I need it again. Ketamine infusions have proven incredibly effective at de-escalating suicidal ideation within a matter of a couple of hours.
- Keep an eye out for psychedelics. While I don’t recommend the use of illegal substances or condone participating in illegal activities, I have been following the research carefully. Medication like MDMA (ecstasy), LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms) have been fast-tracked by the FDA for many mental health issues: addiction, PTSD, depression, anxiety, end-of-life stress/fear of dying in cancer patients. They’re some of the safest and most studied medication out there, but they were stigmatized in the 1970s when they were labeled as Schedule I drugs. Thankfully the data are so strong that the government is now accepting the troves of research that show just how effective these chemicals are when used in a clinical setting with trained therapists and long-term integration. It’s not a one-and-done experience and it won’t be available to pick up at Walgreens, but I have a strong feeling that these medications will be available and changing many, many lives within the next two to ten years.
- It’s difficult to separate physical and mental/emotional health, so add the Physical Health category back into this one. Yoga and sleep, in particular, have been mind-savers.
- Journaling. As a writer, you think journaling would come naturally. It doesn’t. I’ve found that keeping a short fitness and food journal, as well as a daily gratitude journal, are really good practices for my mental and emotional well-being.
- Reading (listening to) books about different approaches to understanding and healing trauma. A few favorites: The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter and Miracles (Bruce Lipton, Ph.D), How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence (Michael Pollan), The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Bessel van der Kolk, MD), The Psychadelic Explorer’s Guide: Safe, Therapeutic and Sacred Journeys (James Fadiman, Ph.D), Following Jesus: Finding Our Way in an Age of Anxiety (Henry Nouwen).
Spiritual and Relational Health

Out of all the health compartments, this is the one I struggle with the most. I’m introverted so I refuel alone, and after working a full day with 20-30 patients and coworkers, even on the best of days (most of them!) I am mentally fulfilled and also exhausted. Even with my introvertedness, I prefer face-to-face contact, and I’m horrible at responding to email and texts. I communicate with my best friends (who don’t live in DFW) on Snapchat just so we can use video instead of texting.

With that disclosure, here are some goals I’ve set for myself and that I’m intentionally taking baby steps to accomplish. Remember: practice.
- I want to join interest groups. There are a few health collectives/co-ops and yoga and hiking groups I’m trying to get the courage to show up to and practice in a group. I’ve gone to a few meetings of a DFW group that works to communicate the research behind psychedelics to people who’ve never looked at these medications in a therapeutic way. As a future psychiatric nurse practitioner hoping to help survivors of trauma, this area (if you can’t tell) is incredibly interesting to me. The group also exists to educate those who choose to use psychedelics about their risks and best practices so that if someone chooses to use these substances, they do so in an informed way. To be clear: the group does not encourage or promote the use of these medications, it is not a place to buy or sell them and anyone who joins with the intent or expression to do so is not allowed to participate. It’s an incredibly diverse group of professionals of all ages, students, city leaders, law enforcement, and religious leaders.
- I’ve started to explore the desire (it’s a very, very, very small desire) to start attending church again. The place where Charlotte goes to preschool is a part of a UMC church close to where we live, and we went to a couple of services there when she had events during the Sunday services. Maybe. Maybe.
- I’m preparing (it’s on my bedside table) to read some classic Christian literature that I used to find encouraging in the past. Maybe I’ll even pick up a Bible again. Part of this effort, as well as the desire to explore going to church, is to cautiously open up the doors for Charlotte to begin to understand the importance of faith in her life. I’m not sure what this looks like yet, but for now, being open to the idea is a scary step.
Being mindful and aware of every day and every choice has reshaped my heart’s desire into unplugging from online spaces as my norm. And like in 2017, I plan on being less engaged online and more engaged in the tangible interactions in front of me (not that there is anything wrong or bad about choosing to be engaged online; that’s an entirely valid place to exist and helps many, many people). I’ll still pop in from time to time, and I’m encouraged by rekindling old friendships and forming new friendships over the last couple of years.

I think that’s it for now. I’ve been writing this over a series of my “uninterrupted 30-minute lunch breaks” and I need to go back to work. I’ll probably be back some time. Probably. Maybe. We’ll see.

Regardless, I’m grateful. Thank you.

Postscript: More About Healing Together

Here’s the back copy of Healing Together, so you can see if it’s a helpful resource for you. I’m pretty proud of it, to be honest. The work I’ve done in nursing school researching and practicing trauma-informed methodologies proved to be extremely useful in this book. It’s not a picture-perfect “I went through trauma. I healed. Jesus saved me. He’ll save you too” kind of book. My beliefs are changing within where they are rooted and “healing” is a big word with a lot of nuanced meaning. It’s my goal that the book informs you about what trauma does to our bodies and that it offers some gentle suggestions for walking alongside someone who’s been abused.

Sex is such an intimate topic historically wrapped in shame and when someone shares they were sexually abused, we may not know how to respond.

With recent #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements, we are learning just how many men, women, boys, and girls have suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted person, often family members or leaders in the church. Sexual abuse is rampant in modern society and now–sometimes many years later–sexual abuse survivors are sharing their stories.

Anne Marie Miller is a survivor of childhood clergy sexual abuse and has shared her journey toward healing with audiences all over the world. After speaking with thousands of survivors and their loved ones, she saw the need for a fundamental and practical guide for helping supporters of sexual abuse survivors understand the basics of abuse, trauma, healing, and hope. Drawing from her own experience as a survivor and evidence-based research, Anne addresses these questions and more in Healing Together:

What is sexual abuse?
How can I help survivors?
Who are predators and how do they groom victims?
How does trauma affect survivors?
What happens when someone doesn’t remember the details of their abuse?
How does abuse wound the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of people who have been abused?
When and how should authorities be contacted?
How do you talk to your children about sexual abuse?
What are the warning signs of abuse?
Is healing possible?

Whether you are a spouse, a family member, a friend, or a church leader looking for easy-to-navigate resources to understand and support sexual abuse survivors, you’ll find answers and hope in these pages.

You can get a copy of Healing Together: A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors right here or if you’re looking for a bulk discount for 5+ books @ $5.00 a book, you can click right over here and use the discount code “HEALING” to get that price.
December 26, 2019
Anne Marie Miller’s Victim Impact Statement after Guilty Plea from Mark Aderholt and Other Women Come Forward
This morning, I had the opportunity to do something I never thought I would be able to do, emotionally or logistically: tell Mark Aderholt how the sexual abuse he inflicted on me as a teenager affected me, and that I forgave him. I did both at his hearing today at the Tarrant County Courthouse.

Sarah Smith, who first shared my story last year after Mr. Aderholt’s arrest, wrote about the hearing here. She has become such a trusted friend in the last year. Just a day after coming back from an overseas (much needed) vacation, she traveled all the way up to Dallas to be present. The gallery was full of supporters: friends from twenty years ago and friends I met just today who have been fiercely encouraging over the last year. My family was there, and Tim stood by me as I read the statement. I am eternally grateful for everyone who was there in person or in spirit.

I wanted to touch on a couple of things before you read the statement:
- Mr. Aderholt was charged with a fifth crime: assault causing bodily injury. This is the crime he pleaded guilty to, and it’s a misdemeanor. I knew of this plea deal ahead of time, and knew of the sentence it likely carried. The judge did hand down the maximum sentence for this crime, but many people have expressed how the punishment is not fitting of the crime. He will not be on any registries and as long as he keeps the terms of his probation, there will actually be no record of his crimes on a background check.
  
  Over the last year, I have learned how unspeakably complicated the criminal justice system is. So many variables go into each and every case. While I think we all can agree that Mr. Aderholt is not facing the criminal penalty he should be, the DA’s office asked for my input and wishes during plea negotiations. This included taking into consideration the emotionally charged prospect of a jury trial, facing a relentless and brutal cross-examination by his defense attorney, the impact of a trial on my family and a potential verdict of not guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. I fully trust the prosecuting attorney and the final outcome. For what it’s worth, I do not believe this will be the last time Mr. Aderholt is in a courtroom. I know the court of public opinion (and media) are appropriately convicting of his actual offenses, should he apply for a job in ministry and the organization does a quick internet search.
- You will notice in my statement a very important paragraph and relatively new development: I am not the only woman Mr. Aderholt has taken advantage of sexually. While these stories are not mine to tell, they are first-hand and disturbing. They have been authenticated by an independent party. The other women helped me write this and it was with their approval that I could share this in court. They can and should (and will) keep full agency of their stories. I believe there are even more people out there who have been affected by Mr. Aderholt’s manipulation.
Others have come forward in the past few days and shared that you used their vulnerability for your sexual gratification, at times even doing so after you were told to stop.
-Anne Marie Miller, Victim Impact Statement for Mark Aderholt
- When I read the statement from Mr. Aderholt’s attorney, Justin Sparks, I literally almost threw up in my mouth. This does not reflect the plea agreement in the courtroom (the judge said something to the effect of “are you pleading guilty to this charge because you are guilty of this charge?” to which Mr. Aderholt agreed.) To hear that he still maintains his innocence and he agreed to this only for the sake of the lesser punishment and for his own “closure” is reprehensible and indicative of how truly deceived this man is.
  
  Mr. Sparks’ statement is a complete lie. Mark did plead guilty to the crime of bodily injury. If he “maintains his innocence” that just proves he either lied to the judge (hi, perjury!) or he is lying through his attorney. One more notch in the deception belt. What is on record, his pleading guilty, is the truth. What he said in the courtroom is the only thing that matters. What he said to the media is what he pays his lawyer to do: spin the truth. “Mark agreed to this result because the original allegations were abandoned and for closure.” WRONG. He pleaded guilty because he said he did it. Check the court records. Defending someone to the best of your ability is your job, Mr. Sparks. By saying he took the plea deal for reasons other than his admission implies he lied under oath when he pleaded guilty.
  
  Also in Mr. Sparks’ statement, he makes it seem like the DA just gave up on the case and whipped out an offer. This is TOTALLY false. We had always prepared to go to trial. On the last docket, the defense approached and asked for time and if the DA would consider a negotiation as an alternative to an open plea (trial by judge). We agreed and they came back to the DA’s office with the desire to have the charge changed to a misdemeanor. He is taking advantage of the fact the DA’s office cannot comment on cases so he can literally spew any kind of false information without accountability. I’m here to tell you every insinuation in his statement is 100% false.
I am so glad this is over. As I state, this is the end not because of any confession or admission of guilt (which, even though he said the word, “guilty,” he evidently didn’t mean it after all), or him asking me for forgiveness (he didn’t even look me in the eye one time in the 10 minutes I read my statement, even though I said I would like to look him in the eye to tell him).

It is over because I have spoken the truth into the world and I have forgiven him. The only lies that have any power any more are the lies he tells himself.

Thank you for all of your support and prayers over the years, especially this last one. I’m going to sign off for a couple days and cuddle my little girl and celebrate the end of this with my family.

Honorable Judge Hagerman: I want to thank you for this opportunity to give this statement. I would also like to thank Mr. William Knight and Detective Charles Cisneros who wisely and compassionately utilized the criminal justice system to hold Mr. Aderholt accountable for his character and actions.

And before I address the defendant, I want to express gratitude to my husband Tim for supporting me with enduring and sacrificial love during this turbulent time, to my family and friends, including those standing with me today in flesh and in spirit, for their encouragement, love, and prayers, and to our daughter Charlotte who gives me the strength to move beyond this trauma into a courageous and joy-filled life.

Now, I would like to address the defendant, Mr. Mark Aderholt.

My family moved from Abilene to Arlington a couple of weeks into my junior year of high school, and I was completely alone. I knew nobody outside of my family and my parents were desperately trying to make ends meet. I was questioning my faith for the first time in my life because of the way the church treated us before we moved. I grieved the rich community I left behind, so I tried to do the one thing I knew how to do in pursuit of finding friends: be the good Christian girl.

Because we weren’t going to church, I reached out to several pastors on America Online trying to find someone who could help me start a See You at the Pole event at my school. You responded to my email and we met at a McDonalds at the Hypermart off Cooper and Bardin in Arlington. After my mom met you and went to do her shopping, we talked over french fries. When we were done, we went to find my mom and the two of you exchanged seminary and missionary stories before we went our separate ways.

My See You at the Pole event failed completely and I was having a crisis of faith and identity. You encouraged me to not give up, and you invited me over to your apartment to talk and pray.

Finally, I thought. A friend.

I went to your apartment, a bottom floor one bedroom in North Arlington. As we spent time together, we got to know each other. You told me about Pampa and your time at Wayland Baptist and your mission trips and your school. You told me about your family and your sisters—one was my age, give or take.

We had fun: We went to Kroger in your blue Grand Am and bought ice cream. You took me to have dinner at Razoo’s in Sundance Square. You kissed me and we acted silly at Greenbriar Park when a car flashed their lights at us. “Let’s give them a show,” you said. I wanted to buy a yellow truck like the one you parked next to at your apartment. You said girls who drove yellow trucks were hot.

I felt blessed to have you, this man of God, as my friend. We sat on your floor to watch a movie. As your arm brushed against mine—and then stayed there for a moment, I remember feeling nervous but excited. Did you want to be more than friends? You held my hand. You kissed me. And then you kissed me more.

On the floor next to your TV, you were on top of me kissing. You rolled off of me for a moment and propped your head up on your arm. You asked if I was a virgin and I awkwardly said yes. You told me you weren’t, that you lost your virginity when you were 13, but it was a mistake you wouldn’t make again.

You continued kissing me and your hands wandered all over my body. No boy had ever touched me the way you touched me, or in the places you touched me. And you were no boy. You were a man, almost a decade older than my sixteen years. I was afraid to say no, afraid that I would lose one of my only friends.

We met many times over my junior year in high school. And out of nowhere, you ended it.

You told me you were engaged and getting married later that year to a girl you met overseas. She was coming back to the states in the summer and could never find out about us.

That was the moment everything changed. Beyond violating my body, when you told me to never talk to you again, you broke my spirit.

The world was no longer safe and even the Godliest of men could not be trusted. I was just a body with breasts and hips and thighs and other things too intimate to name. I felt ashamed of what we did, humiliated in my naïveté. You didn’t care that I was already lost and alone and hurting when I met you. In fact, you took advantage of my vulnerability. I was the least likely person to tell anyone what you did. And although it took some time, you were mistaken.

When I turned 25 and was mentoring a 16 year old girl, I had a revelation just how inappropriate it was for you to pursue a romantic relationship with a girl who had only recently earned her drivers license. I realized you intentionally and dishonorably harmed me and violated me in the most intimate way. This wasn’t a bad break up: You manipulated me.

You sexually abused me.

I told leaders at the International Mission Board of the Southern Baptist Convention what you did, and after they investigated it, they determined I was telling the truth. But they let you resign and over the next decade, you were promoted in your career in the SBC. I could never reconcile why they’d let you do that. It didn’t make sense. Now we know that you continued advancing because you were dishonest with everyone about your past.

When the #MeToo movement was going viral on social media, I was mostly offline, busy as a new mom, changing diapers and starting nursing school. As I looked down at my daughter and reflected on an article a friend sent, I thought to myself, “What am I going to tell her when she’s older? How am I going to make the world safer for her?” Surely there was something more I could do.

I decided to report you to the authorities and go public with my story, knowing it would be a step to reclaim the truth in this false narrative you directed for so long. Knowing it was a step to put an end to the power of your dishonesty.

On July 3, a year ago tomorrow, you were arrested.

I am grieved your family has experienced such pain because of your actions. However, you also need to know the dramatic and traumatizing way your disregard for me as a woman and as a sister in Christ has affected me.

Nine years ago, I checked myself in to an inpatient counseling facility. I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder because of what you did to me.

I wanted to heal: I wanted to be able to not have a panic attack or feel a searing pain between my legs when I had sex. I didn’t want to shake with fear every time I saw a mid-nineties blue Grand Am. I wanted to drive down Highway 360 to visit my parents without getting nauseous when I passed your old apartment. I didn’t want to feel dread driving by Greenbriar Park every time I went to spend time with my grandparents. Even this year as I would visit my dying grandmother, I would see that park. Something as sacred as her final days were cloaked in the shadows of evil from when you sexually abused me.

During the investigation last year, there were days I couldn’t get out of bed because of my anxiety. Our daughter, who had just taken her first steps, toddled to the bedroom door saying, “mama, mama” and my husband would redirect her saying, “mama’s sleeping,” even though I wasn’t. I was so exhausted, but yet I couldn’t stop crying. I thought my husband and daughter would be better off without me: a broken, hopeless person.

Mark: you need to know that what you did to me made me want to kill myself many times. I even tried once a few years ago, but I couldn’t figure out how to work the gun.

On Mother’s Day last year, about a month after the investigation started, I headed to Nashville and went to inpatient therapy again because of my suicidality. While I was there, you were coming home from a mission trip, telling people about a fabricated lawsuit you were supposedly settling with me: a woman from your past who was suing you—something, by the way, that has never happened. When you were on your plane home, I was in an ambulance heading to Trauma Bay #2 of Skyline Hospital in Nashville, out of my therapy treatment two weeks early, because of a freak accident. During a game of baseball, someone lost their grip on the bat and it missiled into my jaw, breaking it in four places. I’ve had four surgeries, two bone grafts, plates and screws and braces and implants. My face will never be the same.

The cost of this accident and all of the mental health expenses over the last two decades has a price tag of hundreds of thousands of dollars. This is just one more way I’ve suffered because of the abuse, and it will forever affect my family’s financial future.

When I first wrote this victim statement, I wrote about how I prayed that you were a statistical anomaly. I wrote about how I hoped I was the only person you sexually violated.

I have since learned you are not an anomaly.

I am not the only woman you took advantage of.

Others have come forward in the past few days and shared that you used their vulnerability for your sexual gratification, at times even doing so after you were told to stop. There are hearts everywhere damaged by your refusal to own up to what you’ve done. The truth is exploding out from all the places you have hidden it. You can no longer hide in the duality you live in.

Mark, here we are, face to face, 22 years after seeing each other for the last time. My heart is no longer broken. It has been rebuilt by love and faith and those who have helped carry it and patch it over the years. I never thought I’d see you again, ever, but now I can and I want to look you in the eyes and tell you I forgive you.

I forgive you, Mark. For all of the pain, the time I had to spend away from loved ones, the fear of intimacy, and the financial losses. I forgive you for stealing the good I believed about the world and for damaging the image of a perfect and loving God who I still often doubt cares for me or protects me.

I forgive you. And my heart aches for the person-the man-you could be if you would just tell the truth and accept the responsibility that comes with it.

I used to believe that in order for this ordeal to be over, you needed to tell the truth and ask me to forgive you. I know now that’s not the case. This is over because I have spoken the truth. It’s over because I have forgiven you. Your lies have no more power.

This is over, Mark. This is the end.

I do pray, however, that it is a new beginning for you.

I pray you begin to feel the pulse of conviction pursuing your heart.

I pray you begin to immerse yourself in the repentance and forgiveness you have spent your life proclaiming but never fully experiencing.

I pray that you begin to choose to live honorably and honestly for yourself and for your family.

And I pray you will know the holy and saving power of God’s perfect and unconditional love. God loves you so much, Mark. Please ask for the strength and the help you need to be made whole. He does not forsake those he loves. He hasn’t forsaken me. He won’t forsake you either.
July 2, 2019
On Life, School, Career, Writing, Faith and the Future (AKA I’m not Abraham and if God is God and Time Will Tell).

There’s this thing happening on social media where you compare pictures of the present to pictures from ten years ago. So much of the revival of this site has been focused on my #MeToo #ChurchToo #SBCToo story. If you’re someone who’s been around these parts for the last decade, you know there have been significant changes in my life during that time. I thought we’d play a little game of catch up. Please feel free to comment if you are still around (or if you’re new and want to say hi.) I’d love to see some familiar names and faces from the past and know what you’re up to.

A Brief History

I remember starting back on Xanga in 2003-2005, and then invented FlowerDust.net (now owned by a Canadian marijuana company, which totally makes me laugh). Next, because I was tired of being called “That Flowerdust Girl” instead of Anne Jackson at conferences, I dropped the moniker for something much more serious, so those pastors would take a 28-year-old girl who wrote church leadership books more seriously. AnneJacksonWrites.com was born and now someone squatted it in Singapore.

After my divorce in 2010, I declared social media bankruptcy and deleted all my accounts and then after my remarriage in 2013, I switched my site name (again!) to annemariemiller.com, re-started social media in 2018 when the news about my sexual abuse and the arrest of the pastor who did it…now, here we are. I’m kind of on social media and not sure really what to do, so there is not one iota of strategy to any of this.

On Life, School, and Career

Tim and I got married on the eastern shores of Oahu in March 2013. We went from freelancing and owning our own business in Nashville to working at a church in Lubbock (and somehow ended up on a reality show house hunting). After only a few months in a very toxic leadership environment, Tim resigned and we moved back to Iowa, where he’s from. We got pregnant (quite miraculously) in 2015 and Charlotte was born the summer of 2016. Wanting to move close to my family for school and for Charlotte, we moved to the DFW area in summer 2017. Tim has a sweet job doing video at a great company here in DFW and I’m in nursing school while working as needed with at-risk pregnant women (along with some other OB and occasionally internal medicine) at a local hospital. I love, love, love it.

I should have my RN when I’m 40 and my BSN shortly after. Then, it’s off to the races for my APRN and DNP. It’s my hope (at this point) to go into advance practice forensic nursing or pediatric and adolescent psychiatry so that I can help sexual abuse survivors and their families in a very tangible way. Charlotte is currently acing preschool with an A in coloring and painting, a B in potty training and a C in PE. She does not have her daddy’s athletic ability. She’s currently named with the prestigious awards of “Most Likely to Be a Stand Up Comedian” and “Best Bear Crawl.”

On Writing

In 2014, I signed a two book deal (for my fourth and fifth published books) with Baker books. My book 5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know About Their Kids and Sex came out in 2016 and I realized I didn’t have anything else to say to the world. I bought back my contract (still paying that off.) and when I stopped writing, people stopped asking me to speak. If asked, I still do a couple of events a year. It’s fun and I do miss it.

I’m currently working on self-publishing a book called Healing Together: A Guide for Helping Sex Abuse Survivors. It will be FREE (except for the paperback, which I will only charge the very minimum that Amazon requires me to charge for printing and shipping using their on-demand service). To pay for the minimal costs of writing that (editing, design, web hosting), I have a Patreon account that is currently receiving $77/month in donations and I’m grateful for every dollar that’s helping us pay for the cost of doing business. I hope to finish it and release it by Spring 2019.

On Faith

The last few years have been hard faith-wise. In 2014 and 2015 when we sold our business and Tim went to pastor in Lubbock, not only were we totally blindsided by the aforementioned toxic leadership in the church we left (on a side note, there were many people who attended that church that we consider dear to us), but we also went through at least two miscarriages, one being extremely traumatic.

From the trauma of the church, to the miscarriages, another church experience back in Iowa, moving because of all these church situations…my faith started to get exhausted. I won’t speak for my husband’s, but it’s safe to say he’s probably at a similar place.

I prayed for strength, for hope, for light, and for a little relief. Nothing. I chose to speak out about my abuse and report him to law enforcement. That only caused my trauma to resurface and I ended up needing to go into inpatient treatment again.

While at the inpatient facility working on the trauma from my abuse, I was hit in the left jaw by a bat when someone swung at a water balloon and accidentally lost control of it. My jaw broke in four places and I had to stay in the trauma unit of Skyline Hospital in Nashville (where I was in treatment) for three days, and in the hospital a week. I lost one tooth immediately and will probably end up losing two more. My jaw was wired shut for 8 weeks, I’ve had 3 or 4 surgeries and have to get 2 more, maybe 3 (bone grafts and implants). I experienced the greatest amount of physical pain I have ever experienced and because of that, developed a fantastic (sarcastically said) physical dependence on opioids because of the high doses I needed for pain control during the two months of surgeries and the relatively long term use. So now, I’m doing a taper and withdrawal plan for that.

I have braces now which also wire in a fake tooth (my front left tooth). I’ll have to get implants and veneers when the braces come off in two years. The entire ordeal cost almost $500,000 when everything is included and our out-of-pocket is in the tens of thousands of dollars and no, the facility did not offer to cover any of those expenses and yes, I’m seeking some legal remediation in that area but in the off chance that works, it’s years away. Right before I reported my abuse, before inpatient treatment, and before getting hit in the face with a bat, we bought a house.

The timing was…horrible.

So, in short: trauma on trauma on trauma on trauma on trauma on top of watching money fly out the window faster than the speed of a bat flying at your face.

To say God is silent is almost an understatement. Some people say it’s spiritual warfare, others say I was “protected” because I’m not dead. I just know that I don’t know and I really don’t even care at this point. People refer me to Christian books or speakers or podcasts and even though I’m nodding my head and am grateful for their thoughts, because of my time in that industry, I am cynical, I don’t trust people in it, and people who I used to “work” with (speak with, endorse their books, travel with, write with) have mostly been absent during this traumatic time. So, no thank you. Hard pass.

I pray only out of superstition, to be quite honest. I don’t know how “God” operates anymore so I definitely don’t want to NOT pray for my family’s protection just in case there is some spiritual safety net that’s catching any “attacks” coming our way.

People say, “the devil just wants you to shut up” or “he wants you to live in fear.” Well, guess what? I’m not Abraham. I’m sorry, but if it comes between fulfilling some calling in my life outside of my family and the safety of my family, you better believe I’m going to choose my family every time. And when you (I) am operating under the question of God’s very existence and presence and interference in our daily life, the foundations of the Christian belief system don’t apply to the way I even process spirituality right now. If I don’t believe with uncertainty that God has a plan or that he operates as I’ve been taught in my protestant upbringing, in my middle-class American thinking, points about “warfare” or “all things working for good” aren’t in the spectrum of what I’m thinking. And if all of this sounds selfish, you’re right, it does. And right now, I’m okay with that.

If God is God in the way I thought I knew him, I suppose he’s okay with the space I need to figure it out, and life will continue. And if God is God in the way I thought I knew him, he’ll show up, and life will continue. And if he isn’t okay with it and/or he doesn’t show up, then life will continue.

On The Future

It’s pretty simple. The justice system will take care of my abuse and I fully trust the Tarrant County DA’s office with that. I may or may not have to testify in a public trial and in front of the man who abused me.

I’ll go to school and go to work and write this book and release it with no expectations other than to hope all of it helps some people along the way.

Tim and I will continue to love each other, to love our daughter, and to be responsible adults who care about people and the world and we’ll do our best to raise our daughter to do the same.

Maybe we will be surprised by God or maybe we already were.

Time will tell.

And maybe over time, I’ll tell you

(if it’s even worth telling, of course).

For what it’s worth, here’s me in January 2009 and me now.

January 17, 2019
Update: Anne Marie Miller’s Response on the Aderholt Indictment plus SBC and IMB Responses

On Mr. Aderholt’s Indictment:

It has been a while since I’ve updated what’s been happening with Mr. Aderholt on my site. On December 19, the Tarrant County, Texas, Grand Jury met and indicted Mr. Aderholt on four felony charges: three charges of indecency with a child under 17 and one charge of sexual assault of a child under 17. I do feel the need to clarify the word “assault” here. Never was my abuse violent. He did not rape me, as the name suggests. I’ve never been comfortable with explaining the details publicly, so if you’re inclined to go and look at Texas Penal Code and find out what that means, by all means, it’s a free internet. But one thing I’ve always wanted is transparency and to speak with clarity when it comes to the things I am sure of and disclosure when there is confusion.

His next date is a court date on January 15 where he will enter his plea. We expect it will go all the way to a trial setting. Having to share the details of this trauma publicly gives me a lot of anxiety, but if Mr. Aderholt continues to deny the facts of what happened and maintains his innocence, that’s what will have to happen. I have full confidence in the Tarrant County DA’s office and there already has been so much evidence presented. Not only did the IMB conclude in 2007 that abuse occurred (though they called it an inappropriate relationship and not abuse) after I reported it to authorities in Spring 2018, they conducted a several-months-long investigation that concluded there was enough evidence for his arrest. From his arrest, the DA’s office further gathered evidence and presented it to a grand jury. I was told that because of my age at the time (16) many grand jurors think that’s close enough to 17, which is the age of consent in Texas, so I was given a 50/50 probability for his indictment. When he was indicted for more charges than he was originally arrested for, it was encouraging to know these folks saw the full extent of what happened and realized the gravity of the crime.

On my personal response:

The range of emotions after his indictment are all over the place. I’m happy because the truth is being heard and actionable steps are being taken by the criminal justice system. I’m grieved because of the messages I’ve received from people who know Mr. Aderholt that also range from denial to confirmation; some say it’s something he could never do and others say they weren’t surprised. I cannot imagine what his family is going through and from the day I knew he and his wife married as he told me they would, I hurt for her. I regret not emailing her back in 1997 because maybe all of this could have been prevented. His kids are old enough to understand and the consequences for what he’s done can realistically separate his family for a long time. Knowing the love I have for my daughter and how being away at work stirs in me a longing and a missing like no other, how much uncertainty and anxiety they must be experiencing. I grieve for them the most; I am not the only victim. I pray for them, and Mark, daily. I’ve also felt incredibly supported online and with friends and most family.

On the International Mission Board (IMB)’s response:

The IMB (who knew about the abuse in 2007 and failed to report it) has hired a law firm to conduct an investigation into how they handle misconduct. It seems to be entirely a self-serving action rather than a victim-serving one. They want to keep their “staff and their families safe”” overseas and no mention is made about past victims or the responsibility to protect the very vulnerable with whom they work. Someone from the firm contacted me but it was before the Grand Jury hearing so I wasn’t at liberty to speak with them. I am now, and will keep you posted on those conversations.

On the SBC’s response:

As far as the SBC response, after many emails asking for specific help-help outside of summits and study groups-I received this email back from JD Greear.*

Dear Anne,

Thanks so much for reaching out. I continue to grieve over all that has happened, to the degree that I find myself unsure what to do or say other than to pray and to do everything in my power to get this right. I do understand what you are saying: committees and study groups by themselves are not enough. And I agree. As you know, my authority as Southern Baptist Convention President is limited, but we must insist churches (and institutions) act in ways that help survivors and deter predators, and do all we can to educate them with the means to do so. That is the purpose of my initiatives in this. My heart’s desire is to do everything I can to explore tangible action steps that can make a difference from this point forward, and that’s what I am doing. I know that this was a big week, and I continue to pray for healing and justice for you. –JDG

I replied with some very specific struggles (a very absent faith and hope and trusting God in a spiritual desert) and specific suggestions: connecting me with some pastors or counseling resources in DFW for instance (it’s been over 3 years since I’ve been to church). Surely his “limited authority” as president of the SBC” can connect me to a few local places for help. I have not heard back and it’s been over two weeks.**

On the reality of it all

I am learning to put no hope into institutional or organizational entities. I will never, ever see the help or receive the support I need from the people who should be and are held accountable for this. Instead, I continue to take refuge in my little family, in school, and at work and knowing that I will be able to serve families of trauma victims so they will not have to live with decades of trauma hiding in their bodies. I apply to upper-level nursing school this summer and I’m so excited.

On the book, Healing Together: A Guide for Helping Sexual Abuse Survivors

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Also, with the holidays, moving into a new house, and starting a new job, I haven’t had an iota of time to work on “Healing Together” or to update the Patreon page for that matter.

BUT HERE’S A BIG THING: I have decided to make Healing Together: A Guide for Helping Sexual Abuse Survivors COMPLETELY FREE as an eBook/PDF and make the paperback as inexpensive as I can using Amazon’s Createspace which I used to self publish the reprint of Mad Church Disease, Beating Burnout, and my Advent book.

I don’t want people to think I am capitalizing on my–or anybody else’s–trauma. I don’t want to make money on a book. I don’t want money to get in the way of people finding help and healing. The whole “Christian” publishing industry burned me out so badly with its expectations and that is why I bought back my last book contract. I didn’t want to write, and I had nothing to say to the world through that medium.

If you do pray, please pray for me as I write and that book and hopefully, through Patreon, we can get our very basic costs of doing business (web hosting, design, editing) taken care of. ANY and ALL extra funds will go to help SURVIVORS. PERIOD. All of it. Tim’s and my jobs provide our income. This project is not about padding the Millers’ bank account. I’ll talk more about Patreon next time I write and share how you can contribute to the basic business costs of me self-publishing this book (and how to give more if you want to give to survivor funds).

As always, thank you for your love, prayers, faith, and kind words. They matter. And you matter too.

Anne Miller

*&**: I’ve updated this to reflect an email I received this evening after posting this. In my original post, I made a snarky comment that Mr. Greear only emailed me after the Star-Telegram wrote about the absence of communication from the SBC. In my initial response to him, I told him that I found the timing curious but would choose to believe the best. My earlier post did not reflect me “believing the best” and for that I apologize. I was wrong. Since posting this, I received another email from Mr. Greear following up with me on tangible way he is trying to support me/us. I am grateful for his reply.

January 2, 2019
Sexual Abuse Survivor Update: Mark Aderholt, International Mission Board & Southern Baptist Convention
It has been over four months since Mark Aderholt, the man who sexually abused me in 1996 and 1997, when I was 16 years old, was arrested and charged with three felonies: two counts of Indecency with a Child–Sexual Contact and one count of Sexual Assault of a Child under the age of 17.

This arrest made headlines because the Southern Baptist Convention’s mission arm, the International Mission Board, knew about the abuse, found it to be credible after an internal investigation in 2007, and did not report it to authorities or within the SBC, citing they could potentially face legal issues if they had let Aderholt’s future employers know that he sexually abused a teenager when he was a student at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. That’s why he was able to get a job pastoring in an SBC church two months after he resigned from the IMB, and climbed the ranks into a state convention executive position.

Even after his arrest, the IMB held defensive ground until their then-president, David Platt, returned from remote Africa and found out about the “extremely disturbing” situation. He and Dr. Russell Moore, president of the SBC’s Ethics and Religious Liberties Commission (ERLC), called to apologize and asked what I wanted them to do. I said I wanted them to open up my case and others to make sure any sexual abuse or misconduct that was criminal was reported to authorities and to make sure there were no other victims during Aderholt’s tenure overseas. Platt went over his public statement to make sure it addressed everything I wished and that night, released it. The following day, SBC president J.D. Greear, who was also aware of the incident, announced the SBC was launching a sexual abuse study group which was funded $250,000 in September.

I wanted to issue this update to address questions I’ve received since all this happened.
- Mr. Aderholt will be facing the Tarrant County grand jury very soon–within the next few weeks from what I understand. I am meeting with the ADA and prosecutor for this case this week. If he is indicted, he will have the chance to enter his plea (guilty/not guilty/etc.)
- I emailed the IMB to get an update and received a reply from the current interim president, Clyde Meador. Mr. Meador was aware of my abuse in 2007 and was one of the people I spoke to from the IMB about it back then. He said I should expect to hear from the third party investigators (I do not know who this group is) in fall. I have yet to hear from them.
- I have not been contacted by anybody in the SBC about the sexual abuse study group and from what I have been able to see in my brief glances on social media, it appears relatively obscure as far as any actionable details.
- There have been a few public panels put on by the ERLC and other SBC entities, but unfortunately, I have not seen any true action taking place that is any different than before.
- I do not see anything new that helps prevent abuse, that is looking into past credible abuse, or that is offering support to known survivors of abuse within the SBC. At a minimum, I absolutely think there should be a fund to help survivors receive trauma-informed therapeutic help.
- I’ve decided I need to do what I can to help other survivors. I’m writing and self-publishing a book called Healing Together: A Guide for Helping Sexual Abuse Survivors that will be out as soon as I can get it done. I am hoping by the end of the year at the latest. Following me on social media is probably the best way to find out about it if you’re interested. (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram)
It may appear the SBC has a mountain of a task to climb and in many ways it does; that’s what happens when you allow crime and sin to dirty up under your rugs for so long.

At the same time, it’s really not that difficult.

How? They could be in contact with survivors to by writing a short email or a dialing up a quick phone call. Any words of, “How are you? How can we pray? How is your family?” from the powers-that-be who have made promises to reconcile these wounds would actually make a huge difference, at least to me.

I have communicated my personal wishes and clearly stated that hearing nothing from the SBC would be painful. In a majority of the places where I stated this, those requests have gone unanswered. And as I predicted, the silence is painful. They know and yet they do not act.

I was hopeful this summer when these big statements were made. That hope, however, has been tempered by silence and relative inaction. In my case, instead of closing the gap of mistrust caused by the SBC, it continues to widen…maybe a bit more slowly now, but the stitches are being torn apart and the wound is still raw and open.

Lest you think I’m sitting in a puddle of tears, not all is in despair: I am most encouraged and supported by local authorities and law and order. Constant contact, support, sincere inquiries into wellbeing, victim support services, face-to-face meetings, “we want to make this right for you and here is how we are doing it,” and people keeping promises make the criminal side of this ordeal a bit more bearable. Also, a HUGE amount of support from online–other survivors, pastors I don’t know, and people I have met along the way–has also been a great source of encouragement.

Nursing school is going well and we are excited to be in our new home for the holidays, ending what seems to be a constant stream of moving and rentals. Charlotte is 2 1/2 and it’s a fun and crazy age that has us laughing and crying and sometimes visits to urgent care for big bumps on heads. Tim’s work has been incredibly supportive in giving him time off to even financially assisting with some medical bills. Even a VPs Tim’s company of 10K+ employees pulled me aside once to ask how this case is going and how we are doing—he saw it in the local paper here. I was amazed he put the awkwardness away and asked, “how are you?” and it spoke life into my heart.

That’s all I have for now. Don’t give up asking for what is owed. Don’t hesitate to report your abuse. Ask for help. And don’t give up hope, but at the same time, learn not to expect it from the places you think it should come from, like the church.

That’s what I’m learning (again) anyway.

[edit: Need to add this to my post: there are 2 leaders who’ve been constant & supportive of me in this situation: Ed Stetzer and Dr. Russell Moore. I understand many people have many different feelings about lots of issues surrounding them, but they have both been very supportive. Worth noting. I also know they hosted 2 of the panels I have mentioned that I’m happy for, but don’t think they (the panels) do much. However, I want to give credit where credit is due and we have been grateful for their prayers and support on many occasion.]
November 12, 2018
Dear Dr. Christine Blasey Ford: As You Look Kavanaugh in the Eyes, I’m Thinking of You
Dear Dr. Ford:

As you look Brett Kavanaugh in the eyes on Thursday, I’m thinking of you.

I’m a stranger to you, so it may not matter, but I’m proud of you for coming forward in such a high-stakes and public way. The entire country, maybe the entire world, is watching the hearing on Thursday where you and Mr. Kavanaugh will be testifying.

Credit: Democracy Now

You’ve opened up to the most intimate part of your life, released a weight you’ve carried for almost forty years, and in that vulnerability, there is no doubt in my mind you’ve been wounded. I’m not on social media much these days and in my limited reading, I’ve seen the polar and bitter opposites debating your truth, damning your courage, and pruning your life to pieces bit-by-bit, as you were a wounded animal on the side of the road and strangers on social media or in the news are vultures preying on you, shredding you to pieces until all that remains is dry bones.

Dr. Ford, I believe you. And my heart is with you.

Earlier this year, I reported the man who sexually assaulted me to police and a couple of months later, he was arrested and charged with three felonies. He was not a candidate for the United States Supreme Court, but in his own pond, he was a big fish. He is a conservative family man who was well respected in evangelical circles and who had a position of power and authority.

The story made it on the news in a few places, and when it hit TV news in the town where he was a pastor for a really long time, people were shocked. The emails I received that I must be lying because everyone who knew his character knew he could not have committed the crimes he did, sexually assaulting and abusing a sixteen-year-old girl when he was a 25-year-old seminary student and youth pastor. And it happened over the course of several months. If I continued going back to him, why should he be punished for it? Clearly, I was consenting. And of course, why bring it up now, after all these years. I’m exhausted from explaining the answer as I’m sure you are too.

When my story was published as front-page news in a Star-Telegram, I read the man who assaulted me is maintaining his innocence. His lawyer’s comment, “Mark is innocent and this case will be tried in court” sucked the air out of my lungs then, just as it does now as I type it.

It is likely I will have to sit in a court and only a few attorneys away, my abuser will be sitting. He will watch me walk up to the stand and I’ll have to sit in a wooden box with a judge on my right and tell every horrific detail of my abuse to both strangers and the public, all while he is sitting there, fully aware that the light in my truth will bring the darkness of his lies out. Fully aware that this is his reckoning. That the road of his denial over the last 22 years, whether direct or omitted, ends.

While TV and movie courts typically elevate the freedom and justice of a survivor speaking his or her truth, what is left out is the panic-ridden moments that fuel each and every day, stealing life and joy. We play the reel of our court hearings in our minds days, months, even years before they happen. The Hollywood dramas don’t show we feel like we’re going crazy and that every ounce of denial from the person who preyed on us hammers only more shame and guilt and loss deeper and deeper into our cores.

When I learned I will have to sit in a courtroom with the man who sexually assaulted me 22 years ago, and who has denied it ever since, 99% of my will wanted to go back to the detective who worked so fiercely and yet so kindly on my case and tell him I can’t do it. Not because I made it up, but because I am not strong enough to face my abuser. His lies hold a power over me that is pure, unadulterated terror. I don’t even know why.

But you see, and I know you understand, there is this 1%. And this 1% is so violently stronger than then 99% that feels all-consuming. The 1% for me is my daughter and every other little girl, whether she is two-years-old like mine or 91 years old like my grandma, but every – little – girl needs a voice to go before hers.
- A voice that says I don’t care who you think you are, you have done something evil and you have not yet paid the consequences for it, let alone admitted to it.
- A voice that says I am worth fighting for and the pain and joy and loss your actions caused in my life deserve to be heard and justified.
- A voice that says, yes, I’m sorry that many people have been hurt in the wake of this truth coming to light, but you know as much as the next guy that the truth does set you free. Why you didn’t believe this for yourself is on you, and not on me.
Dr. Ford, you have been on my mind and heart since you were first asked to testify in this hearing. When you first said “not yet” I fully understood. When they asked you to do it so soon, my heart raced in fear for what you must be feeling. And when you said yes, my gratitude for your bravery left me speechless.

I know you carry the weight of what this man did to you even now. I know you feel sadness for his family and his friends and the people who feel so completely deceived by him. I carry that weight too, and it is not easy.

But thank you, Dr. Ford. Thank you for going first in this situation where the man who assaulted you completely maintains his innocence. It is a lion’s den not many can say they are thrown into, and yet you willingly jumped in.

When my time comes, I will be carrying the strength you have given us all with me as I look the man who assaulted me into his eyes and speak the truth, one more time, in one more step to freedom.

[AUTHOR’S NOTE: I have received emails about this asking me to defend why I think Dr. Ford is not making this up or to remove this since Kavanaugh was confirmed. The people reading this who wrote those emails do not understand the point of this post.

This is not an op-ed on Dr. Ford; it is a thank you note. We share the same situation: she claims someone assaulted her and he maintains his innocence. I claim someone assaulted me and that man also maintains his innocence.

If all you get from this blog entry is the fact it’s up in spite of his confirmation, you’re missing the point. I’ll be selfish here. This post is about my fear that is brought about by the Kavanaugh hearing. So don’t email me your political thoughts. I immediately delete those emails and I don’t read them. Thank you.]
September 25, 2018
Anne Marie Miller’s Statement on Her Sexual Abuse Story and the International Mission Board Cover Up
When I signed off my blog in May 2017, I never thought I’d be writing on this platform again. I definitely didn’t expect a year later, in between my daughter’s diaper changes and first steps, I would be meeting with detectives and going back into inpatient trauma treatment.

I didn’t know I would learn Mark Aderholt, the man who sexually abused me when I was sixteen years old–whom I reported to the International Mission Board in 2007–was not reported to local authorities (contrary to their policy mentioned in a recent statement). I didn’t know I would learn he had an opportunity to resign instead of being terminated (also contrary to their recent statement). The IMB’s General Counsel stated Aderholt was not terminated from his role and was not reported to authorities.

The collision of learning about Aderholt’s upward mobility and increased responsibility within the SBC, potential access to vulnerable people groups with his travels, and the IMB’s failure to report both to authorities and within the SBC spurred me to make a personally difficult and necessary decision: reporting him to law enforcement.

Because of the overwhelming evidence of this crime, the Crimes Against Children unit of the Arlington, Texas Police Department quickly accepted, investigated, and when deemed credible, passed the case along to the Tarrant County District Attorney who then issued warrants for this man’s arrest. He was arrested, jailed, and released on bond–all within three months of my original police report.

If there was one statement I could delete from human language in regard to sexual abuse reporting, it would be, “Why did he/she wait so long to report? Why now?” and I would like to address that in this post.
- First and foremost, sexual trauma is brutal. The pain, shame, and confusion that happens when someone is violated on a physically intimate and in my case, a spiritual level destroys a person. It is more common than not that people do not immediately recognize or report sexual trauma. There are evidence-based studies that confirm this. To expect an abuse survivor to head over to the police soon after he or she was violated is insensitive, ill-informed, and without compassion.
- For me, I did not recognize my abuse as abuse until I was my abuser’s age in 2005. When I was serving in student ministry at the age of 25, one night at a coworker’s 25th birthday party, I had a realization of how inappropriate a sexual relationship between a 25-year-old and a 16-year-old is. Serendipitously the following day, I saw a television program on the grooming process most predators use and it mirrored my experience. I was forever changed. The next day, I went to a counselor in my church to discuss it. I still didn’t realize what occurred was an actual crime. She was not well versed in mandatory reporting and did not know she needed to report this either.
- Two years later in 2007, in my process of healing, I continued to realize the gravity of what happened. My abuser was a missionary overseas with the IMB and when a friend who was a pastor learned of my abuse, he immediately went to the IMB to report it. The IMB conducted an internal investigation after the abuser denied it, and they unanimously determined the abuse happened. They asked me if I wanted to report it to law enforcement. I said I didn’t think I could emotionally handle it. In my mind, if a criminal investigation was anything like the IMB investigation, I knew I couldn’t handle it. They did not ask if they could report it. They inappropriately crossed boundaries with their questions that had nothing to do with why we all were there, which was humiliating. The correct answer is “We’re sorry you don’t feel like you can report it. We have to, regardless. Let us walk you through this and help you with any psychological trauma that may result.” This team was not trauma-informed and the pain that was caused directly and significantly affected my physical and emotional health over the past ten years. After opening my deepest wound, they left me with no care plan or any offer of any help for my activated emotional state. I had one, off-the-record conversation with the IMB psychologist who reassured me it was normal for me to not remember every detail of my abuse—a common trauma response that disturbed me greatly. That was the only tangible psychological care I was offered or received. The financial cost for both physical and mental health treatment has always been a struggle too, and there is no way to seek any relief nor has any financial assistance been offered at any point in time despite knowing of my various hospitalizations. This is contrary to their policy to provide compassionate care to abuse survivors.
- In my former career as an author and speaker in the evangelical world (2008-2016), I spoke generically but freely about my abuse. It’s mentioned in old blogs, each of my books (though when it was written or spoken about, I changed minor details to protect my abuser’s and the IMB’s identity, at the IMB’s request, and because general publishing rules require it).
So, while it initially took me almost a decade to recognize it as abuse, immediately after I did, I took action on it.

I have been speaking about my abuse since 2005.

It is well documented by the IMB itself that they have known about my abuse since 2007. However, on July 10, 2018, they said: “The IMB learned about the charges against [Aderholt] from the Star-Telegram’s July 9 report.” (Update: They say they specifically meant “the criminal charges” in this instance.)

They have ignored my question of how can he still serve within the SBC after he was terminated for such a serious thing, and I did not get a response.

The question isn’t why did I not report it (because I did) but why did the IMB not report it eleven years ago or at any time in the last ten years that I have brought my questions up to them?

Over the last couple of weeks, as I continued to realize the amount of ignorance in regard to sexual abuse demonstrated by many of those within SBC churches and entities, I saw the power in sharing my story grow more necessary and I could no longer in good conscience keep silent about the inaction of the IMB.

It is necessary for me to publicly come out with my story because I have been speaking about my abuse for so long, both privately in the IMB investigation and publicly in my past career, the question, “why now?”–although NEVER should apply in any sexual misconduct–definitely does not apply in my story.

My hope in sharing my story is four-fold:
- It is my hope that by coming forward publicly, those with similar stories who have felt unheard or who have not felt safe enough to report their abuse can and will come forward and find freedom. It is a freedom that is painful and terrifying to walk into, but it is freedom nonetheless. If you are a survivor of abuse and do not know your next steps, please email me. I could not have walked down this road without support from others who know the law and who have walked down this road in their own life. It’s time for me to pass this on. You are not alone. Please. Email me.
- It is my hope that by coming forward publicly, the SBC will see that there is a systemic problem and there are intentional efforts to cover up sexual abuse within not only its churches but within its peripheral entities and finally, once and for all, change this. The idol of autonomy within the SBC hurts people and protects the people who hurt them. This cannot happen anymore and because of the well-documented inaction in my case, to argue otherwise is impossible.
- It is my hope that by coming forward publicly, I am letting the SBC formally know I am personally willing and passionately interested in helping develop systems to create change and am open to that conversation. I am a woman who is gifted in communication, system development, and I possess a deep understanding of and empathy for abuse survivors. I am hopeful about this, SBC. Reach out to me. Please let me and other people help you. You can no longer hide under autonomous systems that have been proven over time to be inefficient and/or non-existent. You must take responsibility for changing this and the time to do so is now.
- Finally, it is my hope that by coming forward publicly, whether you are a survivor, an abuser, the loved one of a survivor or abuser, or simply a bystander to all this, that we all will know the hope, love, freedom, and joy that is found through a saving relationship in Christ. It is through this relationship that I have the hope, love, freedom, and joy that I have and these things fuel each and every imperfect step I take.
Be kind to others, and gentle with yourself.

With love and gratitude,

Anne Marie Miller

PLEASE NOTE: This is my formal statement on the reports that have been published today. If there is something that was not answered here that is both appropriate and relevant, please email me at anne@annemariemiller.com.

To clarify, my abuse was never violent or forced.

I may not be able to respond to all emails and I may have a friend assist me in answering, but know your email will be read and I will pray for you if you request. If you need assistance with reporting sexual abuse and don’t know where to go, please email me and I will help you.

Due to a recent accident, I am having several invasive surgeries this week so I may not be able to respond immediately depending on if I am in surgery/recovery. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Also, thank you for your respect for mine and my family’s privacy. It’s still incredibly raw and not easy to speak about, so your grace is appreciated. Please be kind in your responses publicly, and show love to those who show pain or ignorance. Believe the best. It’s the only way we can move forward together.
July 13, 2018
Finding True Justice and True Grace in a #MeToo #ChurchToo Culture

Several times over the last ten years, I found myself in the city where the man who sexually abused me as a child lived. Most of the time I was terrified to accidentally run into him. Sometimes I became full of rage and fantasized seeing him at a gas station and attacking him. And other times I would get caught off guard by my grief and sit in my car weeping outside the hotel where I was staying.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, the myriad of emotions I experienced changed as naturally as the Texas sky in springtime. Sometimes I’d feel guilty about the complexity. Other times I wouldn’t.

I learned that each emotion had its place.

In March of this year, when I found out the man who abused me was never reported to law enforcement, a strong desire for justice gave me the extra courage I needed to walk forward. I felt validated knowing the criminal justice system would handle what the Southern Baptist Convention would not–and could not–handle. I felt a sweeping loss as my mental health suffered. I burned with indignation as this man, who already has taken so much of my life by his actions, consumed more: I lost sleep, I lost time with my daughter and my husband, and lost the easy joy I generally danced in.

There were parts of me that wanted to destroy him. There were parts of me that wanted to destroy myself.

And again, each emotion had its place.

As I worked with law enforcement, my detective encouraged me to not share the name of the man who abused me publicly until they had everything in order for the criminal case they’re working on. They understood this man’s current role and his access to vulnerable people, including children. Yet the benefits of not coming out with his name publicly outweighed the risks in regard to the integrity of the criminal investigation. I respected their wishes then and I respect them now.

Somehow this felt right and good and okay. Even though the only thing that remained between me exposing the man who did this to me was a “publish” button, I have yet to have peace about sharing my story in such a public way, most likely because of the condition of my heart. Some people have gone public and done it in a way that glorifies God while respecting the criminal process. I would have shared out of a place of vengeance.

I’m glad I had a little extra space to reconsider going public because, for me, it was not the right choice to make at the time.

Since I’ve been offline for most of the last two years, I guess I forgot how ruthless the voices on social media are…myself included. In the last month, since I shared my story online (without identifying my abuser), I’ve clicked on enough hashtags and read enough fodder to lose a little bit of faith in the world (and in myself).

Don’t mishear: there are some pretty awful people who have done some pretty awful things. Many well-respected men and women, especially within the SBC, have had their skeletons come out and be displayed for all the world to see.

In the court of public opinion, most are starting to pay a hefty price for their sins and for their crimes. I want to reiterate that the people who commit these horrid acts–and the ones who cover them up–are ultimately responsible for whatever consequences come their way.

But in all of this, there is something I just can’t get my spirit to shake off:

This court of public opinion–social media, newspapers, blogs–is not and should not be the final destination of justice. However, it seems as if most of us treat it as the highest court of all, damning those who have lied, cheated, stolen, raped, abused, and covered up to a man-made hell of Twitter firestorms, petty insults, unnecessary commentary, and misplaced desires to have the final word.

I understand as survivors of abuse we feel like we have no voice and now we can say whatever we want, when we want, to whomever we want. There is power in rediscovering our voice.

We cannot neglect our responsibility to be like Christ and we cannot evade the call to exercise wisdom with how we discuss these things, especially in public forums.

Justice and grace are not mutually exclusive.

Does the man who abused me, who stole so much of my life from me as a sixteen-year-old and over the last 22 years deserve the justice coming his way? Yes.

Does he deserve grace? No.

But here’s the thing: I don’t deserve that grace either.

I don’t write this in a self-deprecating manner.

I don’t intend to minimize what has happened to me or to the countless number of women and men, boys and girls, who have been abused in the worst possible ways, and in the name of Jesus.

The humbling reality we are faced with in this and in every part of our life is the very basic tenet of the Gospel: God so loved the world that He gave his only son to die for my sins, for your sins, and for the sins of the man who abused me.

This includes his sin of abusing me.

It is a grace none of us deserve but all of us can freely receive.

I’m afraid that the beauty of this grace is being buried alive by the permission we now have to speak freely. Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and in our attempt to bring the light into darkness, we are inadvertently suffocating out the Life the world needs to survive.

As we enter into this new climate of finding freedom from abuse that happened to us, let us not use this freedom as an opportunity to cause harm to others in the name of seeking justice.

Let us recognize the same God who sought us out and asked us, “Where are you?” seeks out all of us, even the criminals hanging on the cross.

When reconciliation plays out here on earth, may we remember the love of God that has reconciled us is also available to those who have hurt us.

May we give thanks that all of our brokenness is healed through the same holy man on the same holy cross. This man is near to us when we are brokenhearted and he is near to those who have hurt us when they are brokenhearted. He grieves for us when we are far from Him and he grieves for the world when they are far from him.

As justice begins to shine like the noon-day sun, may our hearts also shine with hope and grace for ourselves, for others, and for the world to come.

Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

June 6, 2018
The Miracle of Patience: A Letter to Our First Child

Virgin Mary Consoles Eve by Sister Grace Remington

Dearest One,

Your conception was a miracle. Ten months after our first miscarriage, six months after our second, and one week after I was simultaneously searching for a surgeon to perform a radical hysterectomy while being prayed over by friends and strangers because of a debilitating condition that affected my fertility, you were conceived.

It shouldn’t have even happened then. I ovulated a week early from an ovary that had no fallopian tube connecting it to my womb. But somehow, in some way, the other tube found you floating around, swept you up, and planted you into my innermost part.

Five weeks later, I was so tired, exhausted by an unmistakable fatigue I have only experienced twice in my life–once ten months before and once four months after that. Could it be? Could I be?

My cycle was a week late, so the next time I was at the market, I picked up a box of two tests. It was on sale and cheaper than the single. I followed the instructions. Waited two minutes. Only one line appeared. I wasn’t pregnant.

The tiredness continued throughout the week, but I chalked it up to Thanksgiving festivities and the new cold weather and grey skies. I woke up on Black Friday with the sun, and made my way to the guest bath, as not to disturb my sleeping husband (or the two dogs, who would start howling for the breakfast).

In a basket next to the sink, I saw the second test. Would five days make a difference? I gave in to the white, plastic temptation. Followed the instructions. Waited two minutes.

Two. Lines.

Immediately, two bold lines.

Just five days beforehand, I told Tim that I wasn’t pregnant, and our lives went on as normal. But now?

I went back into the bedroom and quietly sat by him with the test. I showed him. We held each other, dogs vying for our attention, unaware of the angels who were undoubtedly rejoicing with us.

A blood test and ultrasound first showed you–well, the small, almond-sized sac you were living in. We couldn’t see you just yet. A few weeks went by, and we first saw your plump head and your flickering heartbeat.

Now, here we are a third of the way in our journey to meeting you. I wish I could say the miracle of you was enough to remind me to be joyful and grateful at all times (as it should be), but I have not been the perfect carrier of life. I’ve been angry when I’m sick, or tired, or in pain. I’ve been upset at the way all the changing hormones in my body cause strange things to happen. Now that my old pants don’t fit and my body is slowly growing into something I don’t recognize, it’s been hard for my broken mind to adjust.

It’s almost like you know when I need a reminder. Just the other night after poking on my unfamiliar rounding belly, you leapt in my womb. It was such a strange and lovely feeling; a feeling I know will become normal over time. And soon, you’ll enter the world, and you will yawn and cry and pee and poop and spit up all over everything. And you will wrap your tiny fingers around one of mine or one of Tim’s. And you’ll change before our eyes and we won’t be able to remember every headache, cramp, or sleepless night.

Your presence is teaching me a patience far beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. In a world where I can get almost anything I need or want almost instantly, nine months seems like a terribly long time to wait for something. At times, it seems like July is an eternity away. But with each slow moment that passes, my mind is as equally slow to change to cherish every moment with you now–every non-repeated, hard, holy moment. It is a rhythm of grace I am happy to relinquish my fast, predictable pace to.

As a Christian for almost 36 years, I’ve been well versed in the miracle of the birth of Jesus. How a small, humble baby came to change the world; how he came to change me.

Sweet child, you are a miracle to me. You are changing me, silently now. As your fingernails form and your legs lengthen, my heart is reforming and my hope lengthens.

Sweet child, yes, I can’t wait to meet you. But I’m perfectly thankful for where you are now.

January 28, 2016