Anne Marie Miller

Category: Hmmmm

  • Forgiveness and Reconciliation

    I never thought there was much difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. In my heart, it all kind of meant the same thing – letting go of pain that someone had inflicted on me. Usually this involved some type of “making up” process involving apologies, sometimes tears, and a hug to make everything alright.

    Twelve years ago, somebody hurt me in a very painful, inexcusable way. For years, I didn’t allow myself to work through the pain as I needed to. A couple of years ago, circumstances (which were mostly out of my control) caused me to stare at this wound square in the face.

    As strange as it sounds, I’ve never doubted that I forgave this person. I feel fortunate that, for the most part, forgiveness comes easy to me. There are probably only two situations in my life where I know I still need to work on forgiving someone, but this particular hurt isn’t one of them.

    However, as I was processing through healing during this time, I began questioning if i really had forgiven this person. Sure, the scabs had been peeled off and the wounds were fresh – and it hurt…badly, all over again.

    Someone who was helping me through this sent me an email. He encouraged me and said that what I was experiencing wasn’t me being bitter or holding on (which was what I was afraid I was doing) but that I was desiring reconciliation.

    I wanted for this person to own up to the mistake and for everything – painful as it would be – to be okay again.

    And I wanted for the relationship to be harmonized and restored completely.

    Later, I read this in a book:

    Joseph was reconciled with his brothers when they came to Egypt in search of grain. By the time his brothers reached Egypt, he was able to stand before them and confront them because he had no inner feelings that would keep him from having a relationship of unity and peace with them.

    Forgiveness is unilateral. You can forgive even if [someone] never admits [their wrong doing], is never sorry, and never changes. But reconciliation requires both people’s commitment to recovery, honesty, repentance, forgiveness, and communication. Even then, reconciliation is a long and difficult process of breaking down barriers and building trust.

    You may not ever be reconciled with a person that hurt you (or that you hurt).

    That part takes both people to work through.

    Forgiveness is a necessary, but not a sufficient condition for reconciliation.

    However, forgiveness is a decision that you make, and continue to make, regardless of the other person’s choice.

    And through the cross and grace and love, you can.

  • Circumstantial Relationships

    A couple of weeks ago, I asked where people felt most alone in their lives. Was it in their finances? Marriage? Singlehood (or is it singleness?) Church? Work?

    One of the recurring themes was this notion of relationships that appear rich for a certain amount of time, but when a given circumstance changes (like somebody moves or changes their place of employment or leaves a church), the people in those once close relationships seem to fall off the face of the earth.

    My dad was the pastor of four churches, and I remember him grieving relationships that would disappear. He would try and keep in touch with old friends but because we had moved, the relationships were more difficult to invest in. I’ve also been on staff at a handful of churches – one for several years – and some of the relationships I had that I thought would be lifelong changed the moment my zip code did.

    Even now, as we’ve lived in the Nashville area for about a year and a half, we’ve moved from Nashville to Franklin, and I have gone from working full time on a church staff to writing and speaking full time, which has me traveling at least thirty weekends a year so I’m rarely actually attending the church I was on staff at. It’s been interesting to see how some of my relationships have changed when the circumstances changed.

    In most cases, it seems like when our relationships are these “circumstantial” relationships, we tend to feel abandoned to some extent when they’re gone. Sometimes we reach out and aren’t met, and sometimes nobody moves and the relationship simply fizzles out.

    And maybe those relationships weren’t meant to be a seasoned friendship.

    And maybe that’s okay.

    All this thinking on circumstantial relationships has me wondering if sometimes, we aren’t intentional enough in keeping up with people with whom we were once close. I know I’ve been guilty of investing in a relationship because I knew it was mutually beneficial to some degree, and when that changed, I pulled away. And I know that I’ve been in relationships with people who have done the same.

    I’m just as guilty as using as I am of being used. Perhaps we all are.

    What role do circumstantial relationships have in our lives? If most of us seem hurt when these relationships end, maybe they were meant to go deeper than we’ve allowed them to. Are we too busy for nurturing and cultivating relationships outside of our everyday environments?

  • Envy Eats Away My Heart

    (*On a quick note, I changed hosts for my blog recently and if you encounter any problems, like this post not appearing after you click over from RSS or email, or a comment doesn’t show up right away, I’m so sorry. These issues should be resolved today. Thanks for your patience!)

    At the end of 2009, I purchased a small journal from Target. This little notebook serves the purpose of collecting random ideas that hit me at random times. It fits neatly in my purse so it goes with me everywhere. Assuming I actually have a pen in my purse (and not only eyeliner or lipstick to write with, which has happened on more than one occasion), it’s a nifty little tool to have.

    I was waiting for an appointment last week, and began thinking of topics to blog about and I kept writing the word “envy.”

    Envy is an odd duck.

    Since having a book (and now almost two books) release, I have had a few people mention they were envious of my life. And by “my life,” they confessed they were envious of what they perceived about “my life” because of my blog, or my books. A few days ago, a wonderful author named Rachel vulnerably shared about how she resented me (it’s a very lovely and honest post).

    When these conversations pop up, even as seldom as they do, they confuse me.

    Why? Because my life is well – just life. It’s nothing to be jealous of and find it interesting while people are wishing they may “be me” in some ways…

    …I’m wishing I was someone else.


    Don’t get me wrong: I feel incredibly lucky that during this season I can write books for a modest living and travel a bit to share a little hope here and there. I have also eaten enough humble pie to know this has little to do with me, if anything at all. As much as writing and speaking is not a “normal job” it’s still work. It’s still frustrating. There are things I hate about my work sometimes. It’s easy to get lonely and lazy. Questions of “am I good enough?” or “am I as good as…” or even “am I better than…” cycle in my mind day in and day out.

    And truth be told, envy plays a large part in that cycle.

    I see other bloggers and authors and speakers who seem to float from one puffy white cloud of God’s blessed goodness to another, whose marriages are picture perfect and friendships are solid and complete. They never seem to fight loneliness, or writers block, or carbs, or bad hair days. They don’t say “um” forty-seven times in a thirty minute talk and their words flow seamlessly from one noun to one verb. They are never “too passionate” and write thoughtfully instead of from a place of raw, immature emotion. They’re wise. Stable. And go to great parties or dinners and tweet about it and it seems like everyone else is there but, well, me. They’ll get credit for something and I won’t. They’ll get more money than I’ll get. Someone will review or endorse their book that won’t return my emails.

    And I get envious. (Obviously. And very whiny, too).

    It’s scary to admit that perhaps I’ve even allowed myself to become so envious that my heart is becoming bitter. I’ve forgotten to celebrate the good things others do and to mourn (and not silently rejoice) their falls.

    (Please tell me I’m not the only one who does this little mental happy dance when someone perfect makes a mistake…)

    Envy eats away at my heart, slowly, and quietly, and daily.

    And is it tragically ironic that I hate it when people perceive me in certain ways, and yet I do the exact same thing and place those exact same perceptions on others?

    Comparison. Perception. Assumption. Envy.

    This life thing can be messy and ugly sometimes.

    I’m so glad there’s grace. Aren’t you?

  • Exposing Everything on My Blog

    Several months ago, Leadership Network and Catalyst did an online event called “The Nines” where they asked 70+ leaders to make a quick video focusing on one message they had for other leaders.

    I felt the pressure to perform and planned up a fancy talk that would wow and amaze the thousands watching.

    However, something happened when I woke up to tape my talk. It was this gut feeling that I should just roll out of bed and talk about something I’m wrestling with: finding my identity in the way I want to be perceived, my platform, knowledge, etc., and not who I am in Christ.

    (You can watch that video here if you’d like).

    The point of this is, how I am perceived is still a huge problem for me. I hire people to take professional pictures of me. I want my hair to look good. I want how I look to be memorable because in a deep, dark part of my heart, there’s a part of me that wants to be affirmed and famous.

    I hate that part of my heart, but it’s there. I hate it. I fight it. I hate it.

    Because of the response the Nines video received, I decided to do a spin off of it and made a video of me going from made up to to made down. Pulled the hair back, took all the make up off.

    My face is bare.

    Red, and blotchy.

    No fun eyeshadow.

    The circles under my eyes are begging to be stared at.

    For men, I understand it may be different. One guy wrote in saying he shaved his beard after watching the first video because he was using that as a mask. For women, we do put a lot of time and energy into our appearance, and please hear me — that’s not a bad thing!

    It’s when it becomes our focus, when we use that as a mask to pretend to be somebody we’re not or because we want to be perceived as something else, that’s when it becomes an issue.

    I hope that in some way, you’ll also be inspired to lose the mask. Whether it’s with how you look, how you act, or how you want to be perceived. A 30 second video isn’t the magic pill that fixes my heart, but it’s a step to letting down my guard and exposing my heart — the good and the bad — to at least this tiny part of the Internets.

    Have a great weekend.

  • All Sheep Need Grass

    The other day, I was having a conversation with a very wise woman. She is both wise in her faith and wise in her years – a mother, a grandparent, and a spiritual shepherd of many women.

    We were talking about church attendance, and people new to the faith, and people familiar and strong in the faith, and sheep and shepherds.

    I started thinking about the words I have heard so many say, “I’m not being fed,” and the defensive, reactionary responses the other many shoot back…

    “Feed yourself.”


    While yes, if we look at the metaphors, babies need milk and adults need meat.

    But the bottom line of our conversation was this:

    We all need to eat.

    And to say, “feed yourself,” well, I found myself asking if that is a statement diametrically opposed to Biblical relationships and what Galatians says about carrying each others’ burdens?

    Shouldn’t we be feeding each other?

    To keep with the metaphor, shouldn’t we be looking around us, finding the weaker sheep and taking them to a spot with more grass? More life? The stronger of us can maybe go a day or two longer or leaner but the point of it is to be aware of each other and what we need?

    Because we all need…shouldn’t we help each other find nourishment instead of getting judgmental about it?

    I realize some pastors get defensive and say that “not getting fed” means someone is just lazy…that they aren’t picking up their Bible at home or aren’t engaged in relationships.

    While there are people that certainly fit that description, there are others that are quite the opposite…the more they dig into daily spiritual discipline, the more they realize what used to feed doesn’t nourish anymore…

    When you’re hungry, sure, any kind of food will keep you alive for a while…but you can’t always eat one thing. Your diet has to be balanced and healthy.

    All sheep need grass.

    And all shepherds should care for their sheep.

    And shouldn’t all fields provide a level of sustainable nourishment?

  • You Ask, I’ll Answer

    It’s been a while since I did a post where you guys ask me any question, and I’ll do my best to answer. The questions can be about writing, speaking, life, spirituality, or why possums die under my house.

    A few ground rules:

    • I don’t mind talking about theology, but I won’t argue. There are very smart people who can debate both sides of major theological issues well, and if they can’t agree, chances are we won’t be able to figure out the answers in this format.
    • I also don’t mind discussing politics, but again, I won’t argue. There are also some very polarizing issues on which I won’t voice my opinion publicly. If you ask one of these questions, I’ll let you know by politely declining to answer. :)
    • There are several of my frequently asked questions on the FAQ page of FlowerDust.net. You might want to check and see if your answer has already been given there.

    I’ll be checking these throughout the upcoming days to respond to as many as I can, and maybe pull out some interesting conversations for a future blog post.

    You ask – I’ll answer! Go!

  • Do You Feel Alone?

    My “theme” for 2009 was “Listen More, Talk Less.”

    For this year, it’s “We Are Not Alone.”

    Sometimes, I fail at living up to my theme’s implications, but it’s something I try and keep in the forefront of my mind when I make decisions about my career in writing and with my relationships.

    Since this is the first post of 2010, I’d like to combine the themes and ask you two quick questions. If you feel the need to leave an anonymous comment, please take that liberty.

    What kinds of topics do you want us to discuss on FlowerDust.net this year?

    In what areas of life do you feel most alone?

    I’ll go first in the comments and share what’s on my heart. Hope to see you there.

  • On Sex, Social Media, and Bipolar

    After reading through my Google Reader this week, it appears writing about your ten most clicked on posts for the year is the smart blogger thing to do.

    Anyway, I thought I’d see what my top ten blog posts were of 2009 and interestingly enough, a trend emerged.

    Here they are:

    10. This video I did on porn addiction.

    9. The Stigma of Bipolar Disorder

    8. Results to a survey on modesty and dressing sexy

    7. A video of Mike Foster and I sharing a message about sex at Community Christian Church in Chicago.

    6. The announcement that I was going to fast from social media for Lent

    5. The Death Notice of my personal Facebook Account

    4. An old post about emotional affairs

    3. The question asking “What’s one thing you can’t say in church?”

    2. Can girls be porn addicts too?

    1. Why is being gay a sin?

    Wow.

    We certainly have a lot of questions about sex. And social media. And more sex. And sex. And mental health.

    I went to see what words people would search for that would bring them to this site – to our conversations.

    Sure, I wrote the posts…but you contributed so much value to the message.

    People searched for:

    addicted to porn, questioning God, is being gay a sin, girls addicted to porn, female porn addiction, women addicted to porn, emotional affair, depression

    At first glance, it kind of sounds depressing. And dirty.

    But I don’t think it is.

    What makes me thrilled is that the amount of views just these ten posts and their comments have had over the last year has helped around 50,000 people realize they are not alone.

    They are not alone.

    And neither are you.

    And as we close out this year, I’d place my money on the fact you know someone that might need to read one of these posts.

    So there they are – easy to find, easy to share.

    We.

    Are.

    Not.

    Alone.

  • Do You Cuss?

    I realize there are much more important issues going on in the world right now, but sometimes we all need a free pass, even if it’s just for a moment.

    A couple of people informed me that the “cussing” I did in my last post was offensive.

    (So, if you were offended, I apologize for saying the word “cuss…”)

    (Sorry, one of the side effects of this new medicine is snark…)

    (Not really, but I’m going to blame everything on side effects anyway, okay?)

    Anyway, that got me wondering…

    Do you cuss?

    You can obviously leave your comment anonymously – I won’t tell anyone…but I thought it would be an interesting weekend conversation.