Category: Hmmmm

after moving to dallas in 1996, i became quite fond of lake arlington. there is nothing beautiful about it – it’s small, off the beaten path, and overlooks some kind of factory which is always polluting the already hazy dallas atmosphere. following particularly rough days at school, boy problems, parent problems, or predictable teenage angst, the right bench next to the left dock was my bench, my place to go…to stare out at the lovely factory, watch the ducks fight with one another, or simply be still.

i continued this habit far into my early 20’s until i moved to kansas city. even then, on visits to my parents for the holidays, usually at some point i would make a trip out to the lake.

yesterday, i found myself on that side of the metroplex and decided it had been a while since i had paid tribute to my silent, but always available friend. my bench was free, so after clumsily walking over some big rocks wearing heels, i was able to sit and simply be still.

not very long after i took my place on the bench, a girl who was about ten came wheeling a bike over to the curb next to me, by the dock. she looked at me suspiciously, wondering if i could be trusted not to take her treasured bike. i suppose i passed the test as she wandered off to feed some of the ducks.

i looked at the bike. purple. tassles hanging out of the handlebars. little clip on stars on the spokes. and…training wheels?

the training wheels surprised me. i looked back over my shoulder, wondering if maybe i guessed her age wrong…or maybe she was a giant four year old, but no. easily ten.

training wheels? you’ve got to take them off sometime there, little lady.

after spending much of the previous week soul-searching, i have no doubt that this overly-worried ten year old and her training wheels were parked right in front of me on purpose.

there are areas in my life where i am still riding with my training wheels on. faith? check. trust in god’s plan? check. trust in others? check, check. worrying about the future? check.

i think i have a whole garage full of bicycles with training wheels on them.

the determined and stubborn part of me wants to go and rip them all off. quit taking my sleeping/anxiety/stress medicines which “keep me leveled out.” fight head-on the demons that invade my thoughts and debilitate my soul and my passion. i want to run through there like a crazy ninja-fighter and attack everything that stands in my way of fulfilling my purpose.

however, for whatever reason i can’t seem to fight. and i’m not really sure why. i know i’m tired of these training wheels, but i’m not sure if i’m ready for them to come off yet.

i love being an adult. it means that as i am toasting my turkey sandwich in our toaster oven, i can eat my ben & jerry’s first.

my friend sarah wrote something on her blog yesterday that really resonated in me. those who know me well, know my tendency to lean towards not only excellence, but perfectionism. this manifests itself in so many ways; holding unreachable expectations for myself, and also for others. at its ugliest, it becomes an obsessive quest in which i know there is not a realistic (or pretty) end.

she writes:

My perfectionism creates a demand for the unattainable…This perpetuates my self-hate and tendency to isolate – because if I can?t be perfect, no one will accept or love me, of course. Our society demands perfection. Everyone I encounter is “puttin? on airs,” as my dad would say. (Southern for pretending to be something you?re not). Image is everything. I loathe my imperfection. I wish I was pious enough to embrace it as a reminder of the abundant Grace which covers my imperfection. But I can?t claim to be anything of the sort. Imperfection to me spells disaster. On the one hand, I do seek to be transparent in some areas. What an oxymoron. Partially transparent.

for both sarah and me, a lot of our habits now were formed when we were children by external circumstances. a few glowing moments in my own life:

1) i got busted in the first grade because i would throw away any schoolwork that was returned to me with less than a 97 on it. i was a straight-a student pretty much my whole academic life, but anything lower than 97 wasn’t good enough. my teacher finally found my 94’s, 90’s, and 96’s in the trash and had a conference with my mother.

2) until i was in the fourth grade, i sang. i was in school plays. i took lead roles. i was in a bluebell ice cream commercial. i was even in a children’s touring group called “the little texas singers” (we’d wear cowboy hats & red bandanas). my mom would always encourage me to rehearse hours a day. that wasn’t the problem – i loved it! however, simply offering some constructive criticism on my vocal rehearsal, “you’re a little flat there, honey”…i stopped. if i couldn’t be perfect, then what was the point?

these minor decisions and thought processes i adopted when i was young have formed a full-on issue now. i’ve posted about it a few times (demolition of things not mortar, the power of human need) but i wonder if these feelings are an addiction of some kind. a control issue? definitely a trust issue. lots of fear involved. fear of disappointing. fear of being a disappointment.

hmmm.

anyone else feel this pressure?

Many people are upset and/or think that television and other media outlets have misused their power by showing the videos, photos, and parts of the manifesto from V-Tech killer, Cho Seung-Hui.

I disagree.

You must take into context my background in press, my current dealings in media (print & radio), and my journalistic nature. I have never marched at a free speech rally, but I completely agree with the words of Benjamin Franklin:

He who sacrifices freedom for security deserves neither.

People are upset because they think this media frenzy with the videos, photos, and writings will ignite other psychotic idiots out there to view Seung-Hui as a martyr. That this will envoke supressed feelings of violence. My personal belief is if you are already that screwed up, the concept of this situation is going to set those thoughts and actions in motion. It doesn’t take a video, photo, or manifesto to do that.

All it takes is the situation.

Some argue that Seung-Hui is getting exactly what he wanted – infamy. He got that before any of the NBC packet was released. He got that when he committed the largest mass killing in the history of the United States.

I believe it is the press’ job to report the news, and use their judgment to decide what is encompassed in that. And I believe it is our responsibility to change the channel if you don’t want to see it. And yes, there are sick freaks out there who will be fascinated by this guy, the photos, the videos, and the press gives them exactly what they want.

But that isn’t the press’ fault. That removes personal responsibility from those who choose to view such things. And if somebody out there goes out and copy-cats this guy, it is not the press’ fault. It is that person’s fault.

The media is also doing a great job remembering lives lost, dreams ended. You can’t deny that.

Anyway, there is my rant. I know from previous politically charged postings that the comments here could get ugly, so I ask that you respectfully comment.

And for a different point of view, please check out my dear friend Los’ blog.

Penny for your thoughts?

does anyone out there have problems sleeping? i have tried most of the typical expensive “sleep aids” and they do nothing for me, so i am currently on an anti-seizure medicine that is off labeled for insomnia. it helps me fall asleep but evidently it’s not a very deep sleep, as i wake up every hour or so when the train outside goes by. so, except for maybe one night this month, i have not been able to sleep through the night. if i increase the dosage, it just makes me feel drunk the next day but doesn’t help me stay asleep any better.

besides drugging myself into a coma, does anyone have any advice? i do breathing exercises and the whole “head-to-toe” relaxation, but like i said, the problem isn’t going to sleep – it is staying there.

i have learned today:

slow down, and be sensitive

in more detail… you never know what someone may be going through at any time, no matter how well you know them, or how often you see them. i bumped into a friend this morning and razzed him about his indecision on attending my birthday party next month. then he shared a very serious prayer request with me. and although this person knows me well enough to know i intended no harm in my incessant probing, if i would have taken the time to say, “hey, what’s up. how are you anyway?” i bet you a little more of the Spirit would have shown, and a little less of me.

so…i am going to continue to work on being less cynical. less sarcastic. and a little more sensitive.