Category: Hmmmm

ok, so, i get a lot of emails around christmas and easter from really stressed out church leaders/staff/volunteer/family members, the like.

and i’m curious…

easter weekend makes you feel…

your vote is anonymous, but feel free to discuss as well…

from flibbityfluent…

“Serve the stranger not as a strategy but as an act of love.”

this morning i have been catching up on blogs (and a big thank you to everyone who supported us by linking and talking about our trip). i left around lunch time to get a diet cherry dr. pepper from sonic (coke light didn’t cut it for me when i was gone) and drive around. it’s the best way to process stuff for me.

ipod charged and plugged in, it didn’t matter what i was listening to. i cried.

for three hours straight i cried.

for what? i’m not sure. for lots of things. the heaviness in my heart. the jumble of confusion in my brain. for our little girl linet. for missing new friends. for missing old friends in kansas and in dallas. for our trip to scotland two years ago. for the homes we visited in uganda. for the children too sick to get up at the aids clinic we went to. the adjustment from living in kansas and dallas and oklahoma all in a three-year time frame. for the fact that today i’m 28 years old and have less of a clue about anything than i did when i was 23. for my friends who live across the country that i can text and email and how they respond within moments saying they’ll pray. for other friends who bend over backwards to help me understand not only the things i feel now, but deeper things that are surfacing with my emotions as raw as they are. for the million happy birthday messages on my facebook that make me smile and the voicemails of friends singing it to me.

three hours straight i’ve cried.

wait. didn’t i say i was a thinker?

so much for that.

i was reading something a moment ago about people making a difference.

i think the difference has already been made.

we just have to step up and into it.

this has been my day…

mr. ragamuffin soul, his lovely wife whittaker woman, the wonderful shlog, blogfather randy elrod, myself, and a few other secret participants (who will be revealed at a soon but not soon enough date) will be taking a very long journey.

one that requires vaccines for lots of scary diseases. that’s the nurse who stuck my arm with live yellow fever buggers at 3:30 today.

one that requires me to sign a release form that says this:

The undersigned has been informed of the U.S. State Department briefing on this country and understands the risks that may result from such participation including, but not necessarily limited to, acts of violence perpetrated upon the undersigned individually or in a group, kidnapping, piracy, hijacking, and/or the possibility of accident, disease, or death. The undersigned nevertheless has voluntarily chosen to participate.

NEVERTHELESS…i have voluntarily chosen.

ominous.

exciting.

watch monday for a huge announcement that the blog world has never seen before!!!

this thought of not doing anything for christ has really played itself out in writing my book.

obviously, i can’t exactly ask god to email me my completed manuscript. i have to pray about it. i have to listen. i have to type it. i have to email it to my editor. i have to meet deadlines.

but as i am writing, it seems as if during the process, i fall into one of two zones.

one where i’m doing the writing.

or one where i’m just pressing the keys.

i know that sounds so corny, so spiritually-hokey, but as i read and re-read things i’ve written, it is VERY obvious which zone i was in. and it’s not like the stuff i write is bad. but the other words from the other zone are just…so different.

when i find myself in a dry spell, i realize i have not been filling myself to begin with.

how can i type words from the spirit to his church when i have separated myself from him?

this year i have only one resolution: to do less.

i’m not talking about simplifying, either. i mean that very literally.

i will do less.

this doesn’t mean i’m complacent. it doesn’t mean i’m lazy. it doesn’t mean i’m apathetic. it doesn’t mean i’m going to sit on my rump all day and google stuff. that’s not what i mean at all.

lately i’ve been studying a really great book that has caused me to re-evaluate my typical complicated way of thinking and doing things.

normally i think, “i want to do more for christ.”

may i be so bold to state: i don’t want to do anything for christ.

the more and more i walk along this road the more and more i realize how backwards i have it. i cannot do anything for christ. the things that are done through me for his kingdom are just that. they are done through me.

in the aforementioned book, watchman nee talks about the process of saving someone who’s drowning.

if they’re doing all they can, fighting to stay afloat, there’s no way somebody can rescue them. they’ll take both the rescuer and themselves down under.

they only way you can rescue a struggling swimmer is to either let them freak out until they’re too tired to do it anymore, or you have to knock them unconscious in order to bring them back.

i have been desperately treading water far too long.

and i really don’t want to be knocked unconscious.

i am going to go and walk in the fact that everything god has accomplished is done. and i just need to lose more of myself and let him guide my steps. i need to get out of the way.