In 2017, I never thought I’d be back in the writing world. I “retired” and went into nursing school and closed down this blog and my public social media. I began that goodbye saying, “This is my final post.” It wasn’t, and so I won’t say that this is my final post. I only have two feet to put in my mouth and I’ve used both of them up.
The Revival
In 2018, I decided to report my childhood sexual abuse. Mark Aderholt, the man who sexually abused me in 1996, was arrested and indicted on four felonies: Indecency with a Child: Sexual Contact and Sexual Assault of a Child under 17 years old. While the Tarrant County DA accepted a plea bargain presented by the defense (Aderholt pleaded guilty to a fifth charge: Assault Causing Bodily Injury), I decided that this was the end of that trauma in my life.
Recovery is a lifelong journey, but I’ve taken my power back. This is over because I spoke the truth and I forgave him. This ending has nothing to do with his cowardly lack of admission but instead my choice to leave it behind. I had the opportunity to face him at his sentencing and read him a victim impact statement which you can read here.
This event was in the middle of a reckoning in the evangelical church (in my case, the Southern Baptist Convention and it’s foreign missions organization, the International Mission Board) and the #churchtoo movement. It’s been encouraging to see the baby steps they are taking to prevent and heal sexual abuse that’s happened in the church. It’s frustrating that (yet I am grateful for) the mainstream media bringing attention to it after years of voices within the church trying, but it is what it is, nonetheless. A personally meaningful and memorable piece was when Rachel Martin from NPR’s Morning Edition took the time to listen to my story. The last-minute of the interview is a perfect example of holding space for someone in their grief.
In the journey over the last year and a half, I saw the need for a resource for those who support survivors. I began writing it with the intent to self-publish it, but the publisher of my first book decided to pick this one up. My latest book, Healing Together, A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors, released on October 15, 2019, through Zondervan. You can get a copy here.
As I did in 2017, I don’t expect to pick up the pen professionally again at this point. I began nursing school in 2017 and after a year hiatus due to the criminal investigation, I intend to finish my BSN at the end of 2023 and continue on to graduate school to work in psychiatric nursing. My current job at a DFW hospital system, which I love, the joy of serving my family and my patients and my focus on my education is more than enough to prevent my hands from being idle.
Practices in Healing
Some have asked what therapies and practices I’ve found to be most effective in my healing. I say the word practice because that’s exactly how it works. We practice. Sometimes we master it and sometimes we fail. The point is, we practice. Have grace and be gentle with yourself.
The below practices and resources are the ones that I’ve personally found to be exceptionally helpful at healing trauma and opening up space for me to find new joy, make daily choices to continue to grow, stay healthy, and not allow the trauma of the past to linger within my body now that the threat is gone. It’s been about nine months of intentionally choosing to move within this flow, and while there are challenging days and events, I’ve found that far more often than not, I feel balanced, calm, and hopeful. Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor or psychologist, so please check with your own health care providers to see what healthy options are available to you in your unique situation.
Physical Health
- Eating a completely vegetarian (no meat or fish) diet, consuming fewer animal products (usually humanely curated cheese, butter, and eggs), fewer processed foods (keep in mind, we have a three-year-old so boxed mac and cheese is a staple).
- Drinking a lot of water. A LOT. No soda or alcohol, and coffee as needed but only until noon.
- Going to bed ideally by 9 pm (10 pm at the latest) and waking up by 5:30 am (6:30 am at the latest) even on weekends. In either case, listening to my body and giving it grace for the exceptions is just as important.
- Exercising in some capacity once or twice a day with slow-paced exercise. For me, it’s been yoga, mostly power yoga (yoga combined with HITT and calisthenics) for 30 minutes a day (and if I can’t do that, at least 10 in the morning or before bed). I also try walking the dogs every night after Charlotte goes to bed but when it’s cold or windy, Tim graciously walks them. Also, stretching every morning and before bed.
- Practicing deep breathing in the morning, at lunch, before bed, and as needed.
- Being more intentional about my posture. This tiny act helps breathing, the energy I put out into the space around me, and my confidence. Who knew?
Mental and Emotional Health
- Sticking with a good psychiatrist and getting genetic testing. I had a psychiatrist before I reported my abuse, and I saw her a couple of times and then switched to my PCP for refills because I thought I couldn’t afford her. When things got a little screwy, I went back to her and I decided I couldn’t not afford her. She offered genetic testing for psychotropic medication because I was having some abnormal responses to SSRIs. Usually, these tests are pricey but it turns out they offer huge discounts depending on your financial need. The test showed that I don’t metabolize SSRIs so they build up in my system. Imagine a medication that is supposed to lift up your mood just getting piled up in your body. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I had some major panic attacks and worry. The test showed that another medication that is a mood stabilizer would work in my body well. It did. I’ve been on it for almost two years now and it does exactly what it needs to do. If you can find a psychiatrist who also does psychotherapy, you’ll find a gem.
- In addition to medication management and some talk therapy, I’ve started seeing a coach that practices EFT, or Emotionally-Focused Therapy. EFT is a little less traditional and seems a little hippy-dippy, but it focuses on identifying the negative and uncomfortable emotions you are feeling and listening to what they’re trying to tell you. Your mind realizes that these emotions, although awful to feel, are there to help you and not harm you. It uses the meridian system and often utilizes something called tapping. If you watch some YouTube videos, it seems absolutely assinine that tapping rhythmically on points in your body would help, but this is one of the most helpful activities I’ve done for my mental health. It’s been night and day different. My anxiety is much, much less (I’ve been able to get off anxiety medication and only take it in the most relenting situations which is usually just a couple of times a month. I never thought that would be possible!) It’s an entirely different modality of understanding with and sitting with uncomfortable emotions, seeing them as an asset and not a burden to get rid of. I can’t reiterate how life-changing this relationship and this therapy have been. Because it doesn’t fall under “typical” therapy protocol, my coach has become a dear friend.
- In the last year, I’ve had seven ketamine infusions. Ketamine is used as anesthesia but has recently gained FDA approval to be used in treatment-resistant depression, trauma, anxiety and pain disorders. It’s another relatively expensive investment, but it has been one of the most effective treatments I’ve used. At the beginning, it felt like I needed it often, but now, I don’t have any feeling that I need it again. Ketamine infusions have proven incredibly effective at de-escalating suicidal ideation within a matter of a couple of hours.
- Keep an eye out for psychedelics. While I don’t recommend the use of illegal substances or condone participating in illegal activities, I have been following the research carefully. Medication like MDMA (ecstasy), LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms) have been fast-tracked by the FDA for many mental health issues: addiction, PTSD, depression, anxiety, end-of-life stress/fear of dying in cancer patients. They’re some of the safest and most studied medication out there, but they were stigmatized in the 1970s when they were labeled as Schedule I drugs. Thankfully the data are so strong that the government is now accepting the troves of research that show just how effective these chemicals are when used in a clinical setting with trained therapists and long-term integration. It’s not a one-and-done experience and it won’t be available to pick up at Walgreens, but I have a strong feeling that these medications will be available and changing many, many lives within the next two to ten years.
- It’s difficult to separate physical and mental/emotional health, so add the Physical Health category back into this one. Yoga and sleep, in particular, have been mind-savers.
- Journaling. As a writer, you think journaling would come naturally. It doesn’t. I’ve found that keeping a short fitness and food journal, as well as a daily gratitude journal, are really good practices for my mental and emotional well-being.
- Reading (listening to) books about different approaches to understanding and healing trauma. A few favorites: The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter and Miracles (Bruce Lipton, Ph.D), How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence (Michael Pollan), The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Bessel van der Kolk, MD), The Psychadelic Explorer’s Guide: Safe, Therapeutic and Sacred Journeys (James Fadiman, Ph.D), Following Jesus: Finding Our Way in an Age of Anxiety (Henry Nouwen).
Spiritual and Relational Health
Out of all the health compartments, this is the one I struggle with the most. I’m introverted so I refuel alone, and after working a full day with 20-30 patients and coworkers, even on the best of days (most of them!) I am mentally fulfilled and also exhausted. Even with my introvertedness, I prefer face-to-face contact, and I’m horrible at responding to email and texts. I communicate with my best friends (who don’t live in DFW) on Snapchat just so we can use video instead of texting.
With that disclosure, here are some goals I’ve set for myself and that I’m intentionally taking baby steps to accomplish. Remember: practice.
- I want to join interest groups. There are a few health collectives/co-ops and yoga and hiking groups I’m trying to get the courage to show up to and practice in a group. I’ve gone to a few meetings of a DFW group that works to communicate the research behind psychedelics to people who’ve never looked at these medications in a therapeutic way. As a future psychiatric nurse practitioner hoping to help survivors of trauma, this area (if you can’t tell) is incredibly interesting to me. The group also exists to educate those who choose to use psychedelics about their risks and best practices so that if someone chooses to use these substances, they do so in an informed way. To be clear: the group does not encourage or promote the use of these medications, it is not a place to buy or sell them and anyone who joins with the intent or expression to do so is not allowed to participate. It’s an incredibly diverse group of professionals of all ages, students, city leaders, law enforcement, and religious leaders.
- I’ve started to explore the desire (it’s a very, very, very small desire) to start attending church again. The place where Charlotte goes to preschool is a part of a UMC church close to where we live, and we went to a couple of services there when she had events during the Sunday services. Maybe. Maybe.
- I’m preparing (it’s on my bedside table) to read some classic Christian literature that I used to find encouraging in the past. Maybe I’ll even pick up a Bible again. Part of this effort, as well as the desire to explore going to church, is to cautiously open up the doors for Charlotte to begin to understand the importance of faith in her life. I’m not sure what this looks like yet, but for now, being open to the idea is a scary step.
Being mindful and aware of every day and every choice has reshaped my heart’s desire into unplugging from online spaces as my norm. And like in 2017, I plan on being less engaged online and more engaged in the tangible interactions in front of me (not that there is anything wrong or bad about choosing to be engaged online; that’s an entirely valid place to exist and helps many, many people). I’ll still pop in from time to time, and I’m encouraged by rekindling old friendships and forming new friendships over the last couple of years.
I think that’s it for now. I’ve been writing this over a series of my “uninterrupted 30-minute lunch breaks” and I need to go back to work. I’ll probably be back some time. Probably. Maybe. We’ll see.
Regardless, I’m grateful. Thank you.
Postscript: More About Healing Together
Here’s the back copy of Healing Together, so you can see if it’s a helpful resource for you. I’m pretty proud of it, to be honest. The work I’ve done in nursing school researching and practicing trauma-informed methodologies proved to be extremely useful in this book. It’s not a picture-perfect “I went through trauma. I healed. Jesus saved me. He’ll save you too” kind of book. My beliefs are changing within where they are rooted and “healing” is a big word with a lot of nuanced meaning. It’s my goal that the book informs you about what trauma does to our bodies and that it offers some gentle suggestions for walking alongside someone who’s been abused.
Sex is such an intimate topic historically wrapped in shame and when someone shares they were sexually abused, we may not know how to respond.
With recent #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements, we are learning just how many men, women, boys, and girls have suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted person, often family members or leaders in the church. Sexual abuse is rampant in modern society and now–sometimes many years later–sexual abuse survivors are sharing their stories.
Anne Marie Miller is a survivor of childhood clergy sexual abuse and has shared her journey toward healing with audiences all over the world. After speaking with thousands of survivors and their loved ones, she saw the need for a fundamental and practical guide for helping supporters of sexual abuse survivors understand the basics of abuse, trauma, healing, and hope. Drawing from her own experience as a survivor and evidence-based research, Anne addresses these questions and more in Healing Together:
What is sexual abuse?
How can I help survivors?
Who are predators and how do they groom victims?
How does trauma affect survivors?
What happens when someone doesn’t remember the details of their abuse?
How does abuse wound the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of people who have been abused?
When and how should authorities be contacted?
How do you talk to your children about sexual abuse?
What are the warning signs of abuse?
Is healing possible?
Whether you are a spouse, a family member, a friend, or a church leader looking for easy-to-navigate resources to understand and support sexual abuse survivors, you’ll find answers and hope in these pages.
You can get a copy of Healing Together: A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors right here or if you’re looking for a bulk discount for 5+ books @ $5.00 a book, you can click right over here and use the discount code “HEALING” to get that price.
Sometimes the only way to return is to go.