The last few days, I’ve been in the Kansas City area for my best friend’s wedding.
I don’t mention it in Mad Church Disease, but Kansas City was the launching pad for the book. The church I reference when I ran 120 mph, didn’t rest, and ended up in the hospital…all here. The question on the back of the book, “Is working in this church interfering with your communion with Christ?” was asked to me here. I was told my dreams were “too big” here. I got in trouble for unwisely expressing my idealistic ideas here.
But the lesson most learned was how to heal after being hurt.
That’s where Chapter 11- the final chapter of Mad Church Disease – comes into play.
If you haven’t read it, you can download it here if you’d like. It’s title is Processing through Pain.
Driving by my old church, my old Starbucks, my old house…all these things brought back so many memories. Every time I’d go somewhere public, my heart would race a little bit. I was afraid of running into the person who hurt me four years ago.
Four years..it seems like a lifetime ago. But the hurt still hasn’t gone away. And it’s still impacts me, my ministry, and my ability to take risks. I don’t assert myself like I normally did. I stay really quiet and don’t speak my?mind as much as?I should. I choose my battles too carefully.
In the chapter, I quote something Penelope Trunk said to me at SXSW08 when I met her after a session. (I also had spinach in my teeth and she told me about it. Nice, Anne Jackson. Nice.)
“People are afraid to be amazing.”
I wish I had it figured out by now. I’ve forgiven, the bitterness usually stays at bay, but that fear of getting crushed again keeps a part of me silenced. I’m afraid to?be amazing -?to live to my full potential?-?because last time I was there, my dreams were shot through the heart.
What about you? I know with as many people read this blog, there have got to be some walking wounded. We are each responsible for our own healing…I’m not as consistent as I’d like to be, but I try taking risks or speaking my mind even when it’s scary. What are some steps that you’re taking to live again and to trust again?