Anne Marie Miller

Author: Anne Marie Miller

  • A Decade and an Earthquake Later

    When I turned twenty, I was your typical former pastor’s kid living in rebellion – alcohol, clubs, bands, and a peer group nobody’s parents would approve of. Two months before my twentieth birthday, I had just ended a long term relationship – a month before we were supposed to get married.

    It was rough. I remember returning home the night of my twentieth birthday after having friends visiting throughout the week. My apartment door was wide open and nobody was inside. Littered on the floor were liquor bottles and pizza boxes. It took me three trips to the shared dumpster to empty out all the trash.

    Exhausted, I collapsed in my bed and cried myself to sleep.

    I was alone.

    I was twenty.

    And I needed to grow up.

    As I drifted off, I wondered what the week leading up to my thirtieth birthday would look like. Would I be married? Would I still be living in Dallas and working at an upscale internet company with an incredible salary?

    Would my stupid friends be more thoughtful and not trash my apartment on my birthday?

    Maybe I would take a trip to somewhere romantic when I turned thirty – like Paris or Rome or Madrid.

    An exotic trip to ring in my thirties…Now that sounded like a good plan.

    —

    Ten years later, here I am. I turn thirty next Friday, and the last decade has been filled with a million lifetimes. I sobered up. Moved around and now live in Nashville. I got married. Lost and found my faith a few times. Became a self-employed author with state-provided health care and no stock options. I traveled to Uganda. Then the Dominican. Then India.

    And because of the beautiful people I’ve met along the way, I’ve made a promise to tell the stories of people living with nothing to people living with everything.

    These two contrasting worlds need to collide. Because oftentimes, we confuse what having nothing and having everything look like.

    Ten years later, here I am. And I’m taking a trip for my thirtieth birthday.

    But instead of some idyllic European destination, I’m headed to Haiti.

    Following the recent earthquake, I felt numb.? It had been a long time since I had been angry at God, and do I dare even say doubt his sovereignty, but that’s where my heart teetered for the first week.

    It seemed hopeless.

    Sometimes, it still seems hopeless.

    A few weeks ago, I was invited to help out in Haiti with an organization called Adventures in Missions. They’ve been on the island of Hispaniola for years and have been working through local churches there long before the earthquake.

    Without a doubt, I knew I needed to go. Every obstacle in my way divinely disappeared, and I have to believe God’s been preparing me for this for a long time.

    I said yes. And so I’ll be in Haiti until February 17th – just two days before my thirtieth birthday.

    I realize it’s an honor to be able to serve in such a unique way, but there are bits and pieces of me that want nothing more than to stay home.

    Quite honestly, I’m terrified.

    If I think about it too long, or watch too much CNN, it just paralyzes me.

    However, I’ve vowed that when fear, or comfort, or some other little obstacle contrary to the Kingdom pops in my head the correct response is to do the exact opposite.

    Fear says, ?Haiti is dangerous. You have to take those malaria pills that make your stomach hurt and what if there?s another earthquake while you?re there? What if you get shot at? ? and Comfort says, ?You won?t have your choice of firm or soft pillows and it’s gonna smell like the rotting stench of death. You will see dead bodies. And you’ve never seen a real dead body before.?

    The people of Haiti didn?t plan to have their lives destroyed a few weeks ago.

    This is a whole new part of their story.

    As I spoke to my friend a couple of days ago when we were working on some of the details of the trip, we realized Haiti is never going to be restored.

    Haiti is going to be reborn.

    It has to be.

    And we all get to be a part of that story ? whether it?s by donating money or supplies or by getting on a plane at some point to help out using whatever skills you have.

    I?m grateful that it?s not only Haiti?s story, and it?s not only yours and mine, either.

    I have to believe that this is a story of a sovereign God who has a plan and purpose beyond anything we can imagine. And I?m grateful his breath is woven through each and every letter of each and every word of this new story as it is being written.

    —–

    (To read all Anne’s posts from Haiti, click here. You can also follow her on Twitter for updates from on the ground. The whole team can be found here on Facebook.)

    —–

  • The Fear of the Disciples and The Fear of Me

    “Follow me.”

    As I read through the Scriptures, whenever Jesus said “follow me” there was never any itinerary.

    He never said, “Follow me, and we’ll be staying at Martha’s house. She’ll make us a killer pot roast.”

    He never said, “Follow me, and I promise you won’t get sick or be hurt.”

    He never said, “Follow me, and we’ll be gone for a week, come back for a few days to do laundry and get our feet washed, and then we’ll set out again for another week.”

    He simply said…

    “Follow me.”

    Most of the time (in the situations with the disciples anyway) we are told that they left and followed Jesus. In some translations and occurrences, it even adds “without delay.”

    I am a bit compulsive when it comes to planning. For our wedding, I had a twenty page guidebook for every person in the wedding, color coded for when and where they needed to be, what the layout of the church was like, and phone numbers for every vendor, and everyone else in the wedding party.

    I color code my clothes in my closet and back when I had an office job, would plan out my outfits for the week, often times writing it down.

    I like to plan.

    Since the devastation in Haiti is so new and fresh, many logistics such as where we’ll be staying and what it will be like are only now being finalized, a few days before the trip.

    The teams already on the ground (God bless them – they went into the rubble and connected with their partner churches) have been working tirelessly to find us safe shelter.

    We’re working on who’s bringing what food so we are not draining what little resources the Haitians have. And I’m the weird one. The one who’s allergic to wheat, so I get to plan my own little menu.

    My trip to Haiti has already been adventure, and we haven’t left the States.

    It’s been an adventure in trust and reminding myself God is faithful. He’s never let me down.

    Our team currently knows the basics of what we are doing there – working with pastors, distributing supplies, caring for anyone who needs to be cared for and telling the stories of what we’re experiencing. But once we get on the ground to the base we’ll know specifically what we’ll be doing. If you’ve ever been on any kind of serious trip – especially one in a disaster relief area, you know flexibility is key because things change constantly.

    You can’t plan providential, healing moments.

    You can only show up and allow God to work through you in that very moment.

    Is the planner in me freaking out?

    A little bit.

    I wonder if the disciples shared in that fear – the fear of the unknown – the fear of non-specifics – when they left all they knew behind, and followed blindly trusting a Savior.

    They’re human.

    I’m sure they had to.

    I look at their example. History was changed by twelve men who answered yes to the call of “Follow me…” whether or not they were the slightest bit afraid.

    I take refuge in knowing God was in Haiti before the earthquake. He walks before us, and with us, and lays out each of our steps.

    Faith and hope and love cannot be stopped. They are supernatural forces of motion that only move forward.

    I have confidence in that much.

    That tiny mustard seed of faith to which I cling gives me strength to remove the mountain of fear from my heart. It’s that mountain which tempts me to retreat back into The Valley of the Comfortable.

    And into that valley, I must not go.

    Because I know that in The Valley of the Comfortable, the voice saying “follow me…” cannot be heard.

    Follow me…

    “Yea, as I walk…I will fear not.”

    (Or, to be quite honest with you, I’ll at least be trying.)

    ——

  • How Can I Pray for You?

    Sometimes, when my writer’s brain is empty and there aren’t blog posts streaming from my fingers, I take that as a sign that I need to shut up a little bit and reflect and refill.

    As I take some time to do that over the next few days, how can I pray for – or celebrate – with you?

    Feel free to leave your requests in the comments section or pass this along to a friend you know who might need some encouragement and prayer from others.

    Let’s have this weekend be a little more intentional – a little more focused – on carrying each others’ burdens and celebrating with each other as well instead of just another weekend of blogging and talking.


  • When’s the Last Time You…

    I have been a vocal opponent of the iPhone since it came out.

    I’ve been a Blackberry girl since before you were born.

    I swore I’d never get an iPhone.

    Ever.

    Then a friend gave me one.

    Free.

    So…I tried it for a few months, and we didn’t like each other.

    And AT&T…well, as they say – there’s a map for that.

    I broke my contract (rejoicing!) and moved over to Sprint.

    The iPhone went to South Africa

    I got a Palm Pre.

    And, I didn’t like it.

    The battery lasted 45 seconds.

    So, taking advantage of the 30-day swap policy, I went back to a Blackberry.

    And then I got another Blackberry, because only one (the Tour) is capable of going out of the country.

    YET…

    Evidently, I needed to have Sprint service for a year before they would activate my international option.

    And you see, I’m going to Haiti next week, and Moldova and Russia in April.

    (I need international service now!)

    After trying everything I could…they said they’d discount my early termination fee, but they just couldn’t switch on my international service.

    So I called AT&T and asked to come back. They were great. They waived fees, and gave me a credit.

    But when it came down to it, I had to choose…

    The iPhone, or a Blackberry.

    I’m a sell out.

    I chose the iPhone.

    BUT…AT&T also has a 30-day swap program, so…if the iPhone and I are incompatible again, I will be getting another Blackberry.

    (Hear me roar.)

    But for now…

    I have received so many text messages from friends who have called me out on my iPhone bashing.

    Laughing at me.

    Calling me names.

    Laughing at me more.

    Just now, as I write this blog, I got a text saying, “You cracked! I love it!!”

    Humble pie.

    When’s the last time you ate it?

    What flavor?

  • What’s Your “One Thing?”

    What’s the one thing in your life that God’s asking you to get rid of?

    That one habit?

    That one character trait?

    That one dream — that may be yours — but isn’t his?

    My one thing is getting my way.

    I like having things go my way.

    Like my cell phone should work internationally and my mail should be here on time and the person behind the counter should be nice and I should be able to eat cupcakes every day without gaining weight.

    I think that’s called entitlement.

    It must break.

    So…

    What is your one thing?

  • Please Pray!

    Although logistics, distribution, and communication are a huge part of our trip to Haiti next week, we know that your intercession and prayers for us while we are away are vital to this trip. Personally, I request prayer for health – I have a super weak stomach and a speaking engagement in the DC area a couple of days after I return and I want to stay well to serve in Haiti, and to share about it the weekend after in DC.

    There are many other things for which you can pray, and I ask you to leave those things in the comments on this post so we can read (and re-read) them as we travel and serve in Haiti. Below is a form that simply asks if you can commit to praying for us one (or more) days of our trip. Please pass this on to any of your friends who may be burdened for Haiti or are people of prayer.

    Thanks for your commitment to prayer for us while we’re gone and for your words and reminders of God’s faithfulness. I’ll be sharing more about the trip and the details next week.

  • I Need Your Help

    Thank you so much for contributing to my Haiti trip supply needs financially.

    (If you are just getting caught up – I needed $350 and within a few minutes we reached the goal and I replaced the original post with this one.)

    I CANNOT express how appreciative I am for your help.

    If you would like to contribute to Adventures in Missions (the organization with whom I’m going), you can click here to see our strategy for the trip and click here to donate to help provide supplies on the ground.

    LOVE YOU ALL.

  • Maddy’s Story

    I’ve been pondering what to name my bike.

    Evidently when you own bikes that cost more than your first car (or your second, for that matter) and you’re spending hours a week with it, it’s good for it to have a name.

    After much consideration, I’ve decided my bike’s name is Maddy.

    Here’s why.

    My friend Matthew Scheer passed away on his 31st birthday unexpectedly. It was the year 2000, and the night before we had shared a late night instant messaging session with each other (he lived in Tulsa, I lived in Dallas.) It went something like this:

    Matt: Hey, you’re on late.

    Anne: Yeah, I saw you were on and wanted to say happy birthday because I’m going to be out all day tomorrow.

    Matt: So, I got a bike for my birthday. I can’t wait to take it out. When you visit, we’ll have to go for a ride.

    Anne: Definitely. But you know I haven’t ridden a bike since I was thirteen.

    Matt: You’ll deal with it. Anyway, we’ll chat soon.

    Anne: Have a blast on your ride.

    The next evening after a very busy day at work, I had multiple messages on my answering machine from friends saying something happened to Matt. They wouldn’t say what. I finally reached Matt’s best friend, Kelly, and I remember standing in the middle of my living room as he said Matt went for his bike ride and had a cardiac arrest and died. The room around me swirled and it was like I had been sucked out of space and time in a weird vacuum. I fell to the floor. I couldn’t believe it.

    My friend Matt died riding his bike on June 8, 2000, on his 31st birthday, from an undiagnosed heart condition.

    On June 2, 2010, almost ten years to the date of Matt’s death, and shortly after my thirtieth birthday, I’ll be getting on a bike and riding across the country. It’s insane to think that I had a similar heart condition to Matt’s, but fortunately, mine was diagnosed and corrected.

    So, in honor of my friend Matt, my bike’s name is Maddy. That was Matt’s nick name and he hated it.


    After Matt’s death we learned so much about him. He secretly volunteered at a few places in Tulsa. He had a tattoo nobody knew about. He was an incredible writer. He had the biggest heart. It doesn’t seem fair that it stopped when it did.

    I wrote a poem about Matt’s funeral on my flight home, ten years ago.

    silhouettes of black pass by and
    flowers fragrant overwhelm
    the heavy air of sadness for
    you?re gone and in this madness
    i close my eyes, remember
    when we met upon that december
    day and now you?re gone
    (not far away)
    for on another day we?ll see
    each other and embrace just
    like there was no other time that
    had come between now and the minute
    when we said our last goodbye

    and now i start to cry

    standing for one last time
    i gaze upon your face and say farewell
    until we meet again, my friend
    close your eyes so peacefully rest
    your hands folded upon your chest
    as silhouettes of black pass by and
    flowers fragrant overwhelm

    So – Matt, I hereby designate my little Bianchi Vigorelli “Maddy” for you.

    (I’d break open a bottle of bubbly on it, but I don’t want to have to clean up the glass later.)

    —

    By the way, on my 30th birthday (which is just around the corner – 2/19!) I’ll have a special way you can contribute to Blood:Water Mission in support of the Ride:Well Tour. Just a heads up…


  • An Update on Being Bipolar

    It’s been a while since I shared with you my recent “maybe” diagnosis of a form of Bipolar II. “Maybe” because with mental health issues, it’s difficult to pin down exactly what the problem is until you’ve had a few therapy sessions, tried a few medications, and most importantly — given your brain chemicals time to catch up.

    When I blogged before, I mentioned I would be starting a drug called Topamax – an anti-seizure medicine that’s been used for migraine preventative and now mild forms of Bipolar II. It works by affecting your temporal lobe, which is the lobe that most of the symptoms from all these diseases stem from.

    After a little while on the Topamax, I decided it would be best for me to try something else. I felt fortunate in that I didn’t have any major side effects, however, it made me too emotionally stable.

    Isn’t that the point though? To reach a level of stability?

    Let’s just say while I was on it, no. This kind of stability is zombie stability. I didn’t feel the lows of my down days or the racing thoughts of my high days.

    I.

    Didn’t.

    Feel.

    Anything.

    And as someone who is a “9” (super high) “Feeler” on the Myers-Briggs, that says a lot.

    I didn’t laugh at outtakes from The Office or even have an ounce of empathy for another human soul.

    I was completely flat.

    It so happened that about the time I got off the Topamax, I got a phone call from a psychopharmacologist’s office here in Nashville. There aren’t very many psychopharmacologists anywhere, so when I tried to get an appointment four months ago, I was put on a waiting list of hundreds of people. And finally, it was my turn.

    At my appointment, I went through a one-hour indepth intake of previous medication, symptoms, and things in my life that could have triggered a response – my dad’s painful departure from ministry, an abusive relationship, a serious car accident…

    I still have one more intake appointment to go through, which is next week before I leave for Haiti. In the mean time, I’ve been taking a medicine I took several years ago when I went through a very stressful, very painful time in my life. I took it back then for an entirely different reason but remembered that I felt pretty good while I was on it. I talked to my doctor, he changed the dosage a little, and it’s been a month since I’ve been taking it.

    It’s been working pretty well and quite honestly, I hope they keep me on it.

    The last month has been about the best I’ve felt emotionally over the winter. Have I had down days and up days? Absolutely, but I’ve been able to cope with them. The racing thoughts that keep me awake at night have for the most part, been quieted. Sure, it makes me feel a little dizzy and groggy throughout the day, but that’s small price to pay for feeling just a little more “normal” than I’m used to.

    I really do appreciate the emails and tweets over the last couple of months that have asked how the medication has been doing and how I’ve been doing and the prayers that usually accompany them. Knowing there are people out there – some whom I’ve met and others I haven’t – walking through similar journeys helps me feel not so alone.

    So, thank you for saying “me too.”