Author: Anne Marie Miller

I’ve always had leadership roles. In high school, in my career…whenever. I think I’m one of those people that when nobody else assumes responsibility, I typically take charge. Growing up, I took care of my little brother from a young age. It seems to come easily enough.

Recently, I’ve been struggling with what makes a leader a leader. I’ve been doubting my own gift mix and strengths. At least here in the Midwest, you have to be 30 or older, strong-willed, outgoing, sharp and have most of it – if not all of it – figured out. You have to wear suit outfits, wear pantyhose (for the ladies), or something business casual and keep your hair a normal color. You have to work a lot, and sacrifice downtime for “put in some extra hours this week” time.

I just don’t fit in.

I’m 25. I’m a little stubborn, but I won’t push to get my way. I’m introverted and an awkward speaker. I’m smart, but because I’m abstract, things that make sense quickly to some people…well, it takes me a while to catch on sometimes. I have nothing figured out. I wear distressed jeans with a T-shirt that says “G is for Gangsta.” I wear flip flops or ballerina shoes. I like making my hair all different colors. I will always take my day off, even on the busy weeks. And I get pissed off if I’m expected to not take a day off.

Leaders sacrifice. That’s what I’m told. I am supposed to sacrifice the way I dress, if I get tattoos or red highlights. If I feel like I would be ashamed to be called a leader while wearing my G is for Gangsta T-shirt, I probably shouldn’t wear it. (I don’t feel ashamed, so I do wear it…except now I can’t find it…) Those are the little things, so it’s said, so what’s the big deal if you have to sacrifice them? If they’re so little, why does it matter what I do?

Sometimes you have to put in extra time. Sometimes. Not all the time. And that call will always be mine.

I feel like the things I’m being asked (not verbatim, in some job-endangering way) to put aside are the things that make me who I am. I think it’s the environment that I’m in. Granted, nobody is standing over me with a sicle threatening me to change nor am I getting hounded on by my church….and not to knock it, or anyone I work for or with, but I am super and uberly confused on what is sacrifice and what is too much when it comes to being myself.

Days like today, I want to throw in the towel and say, “You know what? If this is leadership, you can have it.” To be honest (and yes, I realize some of the people I work for and with read this, and I’ll probably print this out and attach it to my evaluation since I haven’t filled in the “is there anything else you’d like for us to know” section yet), at times, I really miss a lot of things in my old job as a youth assistant, working with Chad. Freedom to be who I was. Freedom to fail. Freedom to try new things. To work on my strengths and to use them, to grow them.

Now I feel as if I sometimes have that freedom, and then at other times I feel completely confined, wallowing in the mundane (I know not everything is going to be exciting and enticing, but I feel like I’m just checking off a to-do list. A maintenance list.) and when I feel like that…I want to run. I don’t know to where, but to just run.

Where’s the line? Where’s the balance?

Quick post on the Leadership Summit: Asking myself two questions…

1) What is it that stirs a holy discontent in me?
2) What do I have to give back to God?

On #1, in each of us something stirrs our hearts and souls – a holy discontent. When something just isn’t right and it begins to drive us to some sort of impassioned craziness if we don’t do something about it. Many times we try and shut it off or run from it, but we should be feeding it. If it breaks our hearts, it must be breaking God’s as well – so he’ll look all across the earth to find us and choose us to be his tool to bring healing to whatever that discontent is in. Biblical reference – Moses seeing his people being beaten, then fighting each other. (Exodus 2) – God calling him to lead them out (Exodus 3)

At lunch, our pastor asked the people at our table, about 5 of us, what our holy discontent is. For once I knew exactly my answer (that never happens.)

Honestly at first I hesitated saying it. I don’t know why. I thought if I gave some canned answer I would “typically” give about equipping artists or engaging them in community (which I do feel strongly about)…I could just medicate it…one more time.

But I couldn’t. I had to say it. And I am so glad I did.

Mine is seeing broken and struggling churches, seeing those churches not getting help they need, and instead being beaten by the progressive and overextended church culture pressures that surround them. I see and weep for the effect that it has on church pastors and leaders and their families…knowing also the impact this has on the community around it – the people who are searching…..

I love my job. I love doing communications stuff. But that doesn’t keep me up at night. That doesn’t brew around in my head at 3am. THIS DOES.

I realized how much of this is tied to my past. In my comment at lunch, I said that this stirring was a new thing, within the last month – but as I reflect, it has been there for about 10 years. I saw members of my dad’s church (when I was 15 years old) attacking him and another one of our pastors. It burned a hole so deep inside and so quickly – I flipped open my bible (which being 15, I didn’t read it much) and instantly found Ephesians 4:3 – “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” I stood up in front of the church (keeping in mind I am extremely introverted in groups of more than a handful) and read the verse. I said something to the effect of, “I can’t believe that you guys call yourselves a church when you ignore a clear desire of God that’s in the Bible” and I walked out – having to pass by everyone as I went down the aisle and out the heavy wooden door. I climbed on the fire escape in the back of the building and wrote a letter to God that I still have today – pouring out my questions and asking for understanding of why we are so flawed – why so unjust to those who we are tied together with – bound and yoked to – as the body of Christ.

I never went back to that church. The next week, my dad and the other pastor resigned. Every time I would try to go to church, as soon as I saw the way they treated the leaders, or the way the leaders would lie or misuse trust, I would run. I couldn’t stand the way that my heart was breaking. After having my heart broken one last time by a youth pastor I looked up to so much – I said forget it, and didn’t go back for almost 6 years.

Now this pain – this, “Dark Night of the Soul” as James put it once and Hybels reiterated today – I know what it is.

I have no idea what to do about it.

I want to help these pastors, these churches – but who am I? A 25 year old girl with too many emotions, weaknesses, frailties…trying to understand and enter the world of a 45 year old man? (generally speaking….)

I have no idea what to do.

I just know I must.

“Don’t let your passion become annoying”
Ramblings through belief, immaturity, grace & wisdom.

I received one of the most memorable bits of advice about two months ago from speaker Rob Bell. I was in Michigan at a smaller conference and he had some time between two sessions where he invited anyone to suggest topics for the next session or just bounce questions off of him. I was completely surprised that only a handful of people jumped on the opportunity. At the same time, I was selfishly happy because we had a short moment to connect.

My question stemmed from a new and burning desire for complete, unadulterated and Spirit-filled authenticity in my leadership area at Westside. We have come a long way in the short time we have grown but at the same time, I see the trend in our church of copy-catting methods and practices from other churches. And on the other hand, I see churches smaller than Westside looking to us for the same things.

That part is really scary to me. I see the need to help other churches, but at the same time, before we put any of our resources out there, we need to have a plan for how to responsibly share these things with them – instead of just giving them the fish…showing them how to fish. How to gut the fish. Cook it up…or not…Sushi’s pretty good from what I hear. And run with them along the journey. Whatever. Maybe they want to put the fish on a piece of wood and mount it in their Family Life Center. Or maybe they want to use it to feed stray cats. Whatever God is leading them to do with their fish – I hope we can help them listen to that leading and don’t muffle it out instead.

There is purpose and wisdom in learning from the mistakes and successes of others; in fact, if I remember correctly a very wise man once said, “As iron sharpens iron….” But I believe in the unique and beautiful calling and inspiration the Father has given each of us to fulfill His kingdom purpose. Not just pastors or church staff or leaders – but all of us followers who are branches extending from the tree of life. I passionately believe that if we stop and listen closely…if we quiet the voices and the buzz of growth and progression and technology and postmodernism and relativity….maybe we can find that true authenticity that is birthed in us all by grace on a cross and a command to “Go..”

And that was the extent of my discussion with Rob. It actually was a lot shorter than everything I just wrote, but was comprised of the same idea.

How can we challenge those around us to be more authentic in this McDonalds-ized church culture?

He said it was something he’d definetely address and I walked off smugly, thinking how his response would affirm everything my little heart was crying out.

When it came time for my question – his very first sentence was, “First – don’t let your passion become annoying.”

I about lost my lunch. I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach. Talk about a discerning guy! He knew exactly where my heart was. When I get passionate about something, it consumes me. Which then I pass on to those around me. And it isn’t always with grace or openmindedness.

As I travel through the blogging world, every single day I read something somewhere that I disagree with. I see how more and more people are buying into this new way of doing church. Not that these influential churches aren’t reaching people or that lives aren’t changing. That is not in any sense what I am leading into. I just see how easily our minds are limited when we see successful churches and think that’s the only way of doing something.

I could write on for another three hours about this – but if you haven’t checked out now, you probably will soon. Sorry this is such a scattered post. I have a lot running through my mind and I’m really tired. But hopefully in this mess you’ll maybe get a glimpse of something I care about. And hopefully I can learn to graciously express my thoughts…and hopefully they’ll be graciously received.

Do you think that by modeling a church after a “successful” church, leaders may be quieting their unique callings and creativity? Should influential churches share in responsibility knowing some churches are copying their every move and recording their every word?

If you haven’t read the Dan Hasletine article in Relevant this month, you must do so. All I will say is it raises a lot of questions in my own head.

I know I’m part of this rebellious generation who is tired of religion and who has tons of questions – and when they read something like this article, it is easier than not to buy in to everything he says and take it for gospel, and allow that to form their viewpoint on the subject based on the one page article that they read.

I am not buying into his perspective completely, but it raises a lot of great questions. Example – it would take 3 billion dollars to feed everyone in Ethiopia and save countless lives. Yet in America, we spend 7 times that building new church facilities. SEVEN TIMES.

It talks about how the western church has bought into the lie that by doing all these things – fancy screens and coffee bars and sound equipment, that we have “invested in the lives” of the God-hungry American public. But God hasn’t changed – and we have slowly accepted the fact there are hungry, dying people in third-world countries – but we can’t wait to get Joe Smith his next cup of Starbucks before the next service.

My response – as a staff member of a church going through a building program, coffee bars and hi-tech purchases, I am going to share the article with our pastor and if he has some time, pick his brain about it. Is there a balance? I will share my conversation with him as well as more thoughts from the article later this week.

What are your thoughts?

wow.

i have so much to learn.

so many habits to let go of…

ways of thinking to change.

a new lens to look through.

being the same is making me sick.

i feel like i am watching our culture…our time in civilization depreciate.

culture (in all aspects) is like biology. a living, breathing cycle….but filled with the fingerprints of humanity’s interpretation of life.

it seems as if we are going in the direction of cloning everything, music. art. religion. methodology. ourselves.

why can’t we be different? why can’t we be authentic – to ourselves. to others. to our world. our world deserves nothing less from us.

personally speaking, my Father deserves nothing less from me. how can i glorify Him with what he has given me…set me apart to do…if i am just like everyone else? He is singing to me. a unique melody. just like he is singing to you.

but if we continue in this cycle of reproducing each other’s “songs,” it will eventually lead to the destruction of all things sacred. glory in it’s fullness will not exist. how can it?