tomorrow at 4:35 pm CDT i’ll be on the air with john & stephanie at 101.5 WORD fm in pittsburgh. we’ll be talking about forgiveness, based on my article “forgiving the unforgivable” (read it here at relevantmagazine.com).
so, all you pittsburghians (is that a word?) tune in!
after moving to dallas in 1996, i became quite fond of lake arlington. there is nothing beautiful about it – it’s small, off the beaten path, and overlooks some kind of factory which is always polluting the already hazy dallas atmosphere. following particularly rough days at school, boy problems, parent problems, or predictable teenage angst, the right bench next to the left dock was my bench, my place to go…to stare out at the lovely factory, watch the ducks fight with one another, or simply be still.
i continued this habit far into my early 20’s until i moved to kansas city. even then, on visits to my parents for the holidays, usually at some point i would make a trip out to the lake.
yesterday, i found myself on that side of the metroplex and decided it had been a while since i had paid tribute to my silent, but always available friend. my bench was free, so after clumsily walking over some big rocks wearing heels, i was able to sit and simply be still.
not very long after i took my place on the bench, a girl who was about ten came wheeling a bike over to the curb next to me, by the dock. she looked at me suspiciously, wondering if i could be trusted not to take her treasured bike. i suppose i passed the test as she wandered off to feed some of the ducks.
i looked at the bike. purple. tassles hanging out of the handlebars. little clip on stars on the spokes. and…training wheels?
the training wheels surprised me. i looked back over my shoulder, wondering if maybe i guessed her age wrong…or maybe she was a giant four year old, but no. easily ten.
training wheels? you’ve got to take them off sometime there, little lady.
after spending much of the previous week soul-searching, i have no doubt that this overly-worried ten year old and her training wheels were parked right in front of me on purpose.
there are areas in my life where i am still riding with my training wheels on. faith? check. trust in god’s plan? check. trust in others? check, check. worrying about the future? check.
i think i have a whole garage full of bicycles with training wheels on them.
the determined and stubborn part of me wants to go and rip them all off. quit taking my sleeping/anxiety/stress medicines which “keep me leveled out.” fight head-on the demons that invade my thoughts and debilitate my soul and my passion. i want to run through there like a crazy ninja-fighter and attack everything that stands in my way of fulfilling my purpose.
however, for whatever reason i can’t seem to fight. and i’m not really sure why. i know i’m tired of these training wheels, but i’m not sure if i’m ready for them to come off yet.
when my friend was on a mission trip in his high school years, the group of guys he was with had the luxury of a communal shower. i believe most high school boys would find this an awkward situation, trying to keep their insecurities hidden by staring very intently at the tile wall in front of them.
the rule of the communal shower was “eyes, straight ahead.” during the course of one of his showers, he heard a noise – a thud. looking down toward his feet, he noticed a bar of soap slide on the floor, right behind his legs. within seconds, a hand – only from the wrist up – grabbed the escaped bar. as quickly as the soap had appeared, it had disappeared.
it doesn’t take a genius to figure out whoever this alleged soap-dropping-person was had to come into pretty close contact with my friend’s then sudsy derriere. now, he was faced with a life-altering decision.
does he turn around and identify this brave (yet clumsy) person? or does he choose the safe route, eyes unmoving from the innocent tile wall?
he chose the wall.
yesterday while in kansas, i had a woman come up to me and introduce herself. she attends my old church and has been reading my blog. she was awesome and she thanked me for being transparent through this avenue of blogging.
i have to admit, this computer screen in some ways is like the wall at which my friend chose to stare. i am honored that you drop by in some way or another and read these mostly muddled thoughts i toss out into cyberland. but truth be told, it’s a LOT easier typing these things than it is physically talking about them with someone.
i got to spend some time today sharing about my struggles with stress and anxiety – things i have easily blogged about before (feel free to read through the “depression” category)…however, looking someone in the eye and saying, “yeah, this is where i really get hit” didn’t come out quite as elegant, witty, or as anonymous.
honestly, i think i was surprised about how uncomfortable it was talking about these issues in person with a small group of friends as compared to writing it for however many random strangers to read. and as therapeutic as blogging these things has been, and as much as other people have shared the “me too” connection through those posts, there is definitely a huge difference in the amount of difficulty sharing such messy things to real, live-in-front-of-you people as opposed to typing them out for the whole world to see.
all of this rambling to state the obvious: i don’t think blogging or an online community can take the place of real life interaction and sharing. can it compliment it? absolutely. i will talk until i’m blue in the face about the amazing things that can take place online.
but looking someone in the eye after they’ve been up and in your ugly parts is a completely different – and now i realize very essential – dimension.
this is my first official phone-to-blog post. I know I’m a little slow. and my phone automatically converts my lowercase “i” to uppercase. sigh.
anyway, I felt the need to pass on some essential information for both girls and guys regarding road trips and pit stops.
girls: hurry up. nobody at phillips 66 cares what you look like. neither does anyone you pass on the road. get in, get out. there’s a line of I-just-drank-a-lot-of-starbucks-two-hours-ago people waiting on you.
guys: flush. sometimes the sign on the door that says “men” really implies “men OR women who really hafta go and don’t want to wait behind three high school girls on a youth trip”…so some of us aren’t afraid to journey in the land of the splattered floor. please do the few of us brave girls a favor and flush your stuff so we can at least stomach being in there.
this concludes my soapbox. which I might add was also empty in the previously mentioned men’s room.
at lunch today, i was sitting alone at an awkwardly placed table inside an overland park, kansas panera. thinking the free wifi and yummy chicken salad (which is not so readily available in dallas) would be two wonderful lunch-time companions, i plugged in my dad’s laptop (i am laptopless at the moment) and got to email checking and book-writing things.
in my inbox, i have about 58 stories of ministry hurt people have chosen to share with me. i feel so humbled and grateful they are willing to open up such painful wounds. and if you are one of those people, i beg your patience…responding has been more difficult than i ever imagined.
after nibbling a while on my fruit, emailing a couple friends, and starting to chow down on the chicken salad, i felt particularly moved to read a specific email i had recently received. i read it once. twice. googled a few things. and read it a third time.
by the third time through, i could barely manage to swallow the bite that was in my mouth. not only was my heart breaking for the person and the journey he had been on, my stomach was twisted in a big knot because of what had happened within the leadership of this particular staff.
i have been a part of staff where a large moral failure has occured. twice. it is not pretty. however, i think we are often blinded to the fact that stuff like this happens all the time without going noticed. pastors who preach from the stage wisdom and purity are doing things i don’t feel comfortable writing about. and if you’ve been here a while, you know i’ll pretty much talk about anything.
my sin is no more or less pretty than the next guy. there are dark recesses in my mind, and in my heart. but as a christian and in leadership at a church, i know these places are there and i do my darndest to not dwell on them, to talk about them with my close friends. i certainly don’t play in the muck and call it fun.
more and more as i read these stories, i realize how many church leaders do think it’s all fun and games what they do behind closed doors. they become pastors because they want a power trip and abuse the freedom they have in their lives and in their churches. they bring other leaders down with them to those places.
they aren’t the ones taking the mad church disease surveys (or if they are, they aren’t being honest), but it is their coworkers who see it what is happening, or experience it directly then either leave because of it or stay and don’t say anything because of the ramifications of accountability.
there is a very dark underbelly to many churches – churches you know of and read about and probably even comment on the staff blogs – that are going through the motions while living in deep, real sin.
i shouldn’t be surprised, but today i literally felt ill about this. it is unspeakably sad, and the truth always comes to the light, so i feel badly for the congregations who will one day discover things they could never imagine happening within their church walls.
please pray for me as i continue to read these stories, especially the hard ones like this. please pray for the people who know things they wish they didn’t, and who are doing things they shouldn’t be doing.
i realized today more than ever that whatever mad church disease turns ends up being, it cannot simply be a trendy book with good principles and advice. there is so much more going on, and i pray that we have the courage to bring about change to the war which is happening literally each and every day.
for me, it was a bathroom stall tonight.
obviously, i won’t explain too much about that part, as a sentence like that needs no explanation.
after drinking far too much diet coke and raspberry tea, i journey off to the ladies’ room. as i am in the previously mentioned stall, i hear the door open, and slam…then the open, and slam…in the stall next to me.
i am thinking…either someone is really drunk, or someone is really upset. i depart my stall and start to wash my hands. my new neighboring stall friend comes out of hers, after blowing her nose. i do a discreet once-over in the mirror to see what we’re dealing with.
both drunk and upset. hmmm….i ponder if i should say anything.
the thinking didn’t last very long. she leans into the mirror, wiping her eyes and lets out a long and heavy sigh. i slowly ask her if she’s okay while i dry my hands. she stops, takes a look at me and says,
“i can’t believe how wasted i look! this is just so (deep breath) sad!”
she really didn’t look too bad, and i tell her.
“seriously? i mean look, look at my eyes and my make up. it’s %#@* everywhere!”
really. you look fine. cute shirt.
(sniffs, wipes nose on arm)
“i just can’t believe i got wasted at an applebee’s…*&^@!..but thank (hiccup) you.”
i hold the door open for her, smile. she smiles back.
hopefully something in that interaction was helpful. it’s funny who crosses your path sometimes.
I’ll be on Power Talk Live tonight discussing burnout at 9:00 pm CDT on 89.7 PowerFm here in Dallas.
Power Talk Live is a weekly show which addresses tough issues. You can listen live from anywhere by going to 897powerfm.com or if you live in the DFW area or South Oklahoma, you can pick it up on 89.7 FM.
Usually they do a call in segment so if you want to call in, you can call 214 (or 817) 787-1897 or if you are out of the DFW area, 1-866-787-1897.
I’ll also post the mp3 as soon as I get it back from them. Hope you can tune in! If not, I’d love your prayers!
I guess H.I.P.A.A. doesn’t work on presidents. :)
especially books written by my friend eric bryant. i’ve known eric for the last few years – back in the xanga days of 2004 even – but have never met him in person.
anyway, this summer he released a phenomenal book titled, “peppermint-filled pinatas: breaking through tolerance and embracing love“ which if you have ever stepped one foot in mosaic LA, where he serves as a navigator, you are immediately embraced by such a sense of acceptance and love. then you get to know more and more people there, and see what they’re doing in the community, and in mexico, and in the world and you know this isn’t just some attempt to write a book – eric is living this.
fortunately, they are shipping eric all the way down to the lone star state on monday (as well as some other places) and i will be taking off as soon as i can from my little third-floor office to trek to fort worth to finally meet eric. check out the dates below and if he’s going to be near you (fort worth’s a couple hours away with traffic so no excuses! if i can drive a little, so can you), go meet him, support him, and bring him some chocolate chip cookies.
i don’t even know if he likes them, but it’d be a nice gesture. and if he didn’t, you could always eat them instead.
July 20 – Alburquerque, NM – City on a Hill Church – 7pm Discussion and Book Signing | http://CityOnAHillabq.org/
July 22 – Houston, TX – Ecclesia Church, 10:30am and 5:30pm – www.EcclesiaHouston.org
July 23 – Fort Worth, TX – Barnes & Noble Bookstore Discussion and Book Signing at 7pm (1612 S. University Dr. #401, Fort Worth, TX 76107)
July 25 – Waco, TX – Mardel’s Bookstore Discussion & Signing at 4pm (4324 West Waco Drive, Waco, TX 76710 PH: 254-399-9237)
July 26 – Austin, TX – Mosaic Austin, 7:30pm Discussion and Book Signing + Music from Rob Lowe of Balmorhea | http://www.MosaicAustin.org/
July 28 – San Antonio, TX – Wayside Chapel, 6pm | http://WaysideChapel.org/
July 29 – San Antonio, TX – Wayside Chapel, 9:15am and 11am | http://WaysideChapel.org/
July 31 – Phoenix, AZ – North Phoenix Baptist Church (event details & registration here)
August 2 – Cleveland, OH – Cuyahoga Valley Church, 7-8:30pm | www.CuyahogaValleyChurch.com | event sponsored by Church of the Hills